Harry and Sue and Hans and Olivia are examples of couples who learned how to turn their problems and dreams into goals they accomplished together. Harry and Sue's daily details constantly tripped them up. By turning these hassles into goals, they were able to save their marriage. Once Hans and Olivia's daily details were smoothed out, they were ready to focus on a Relighting Romance Dream they'd had since early in their marriage.
Harry and Sue were desperate when they began to learn Relighting Romance Partnering. Married for five years with a sixteen-month,old baby, a three year-old toddler, and a budget stretched thin in spite of two full-time jobs, they were constantly overwhelmed and stressed. They blamed each other and their bond was frayed. Sue said,
If it weren't for the kids, we probably, would have divorced a while back even though we love each other deeply.
Harry added,
That's for sure! We were totally unprepared for the demands of adulthood when we married in our early twenties and started having babies. Keeping house, buying groceries, cooking, cleaning, and paying the bills seemed like a cakewalk before Josie and Andy came along. I guess we both missed the role modeling of how to juggle all aspects of family life while going to work full time. Get Girlfriend Come Back
Eager to get out of their crisis, Harry and Sue worked hard to stop blaming each other. They turned their complaints into mutual goals they worked toward together - smoothing out their household organization, coming together on parenting styles, reworking home and office schedules, and creating a realistic budget they both honored. As Sue explained,
It was so hard at first to think of a problem as a positive goal we could work for, but once we figured out how to do it, it was almost a pleasure. We were no longer rageful or silent or hurting because we put our smarts toward saying what we wanted instead of saying what was wrong.
Harry piped in,
What a relief that lesson was! Instead of saying to Sue as I barged in the door after work, "Why the hell did you have to use the credit card again and don't you know that the checking account is also overdrawn?!" and Sue shooting back, "Well if you had to buy the groceries and feed this family, and if you'd only get that raise..." and our entire evening being destroyed, we practiced biting our tongues. Then we took the scary, painful step of sitting down - often at first, then less frequently as things got better - to listen to what each other "really" wanted,
Sue added,
Yeah. It was pretty basic. At first we learned to say "I need your help with the grocery shopping and the dishes." Or, "Could you pick up the kids from daycare one day a week so I could go workout before coming home to make dinner?" Or, "I'm worried about our debts and really want us to get our finances under control. Let's figure out a way to do this."
Harry built on Sue's thought,
Those basic needs turned into goals like, "We agree to develop a clear budget and stick to it." Then we identified what we needed to do to accomplish that goal. Our action items included downloading QuickBooks, hiring someone to help set it up, and inputting six months of data from our financial accounts. Then we had a clear picture of our spending habits. Get Girlfriend Come Back
Sue added with a laugh,
Yeah, both good and bad! Seeing it so clearly helped us talk about next action steps including where to cut back and where to save. It was hard, but I think we both felt very mature as we gradually got our finances under control and found new ways to have fun that don't cost as much. Being home in the evenings is also more pleasant so spending doesn't have to fill that void.
Harry finished their story by saying,
Now that we had completed that financial goal we have made new ones for this year: look into the kids' college fund, buy more life insurance and redo our will, and put more money toward retirement. We've done this same goal setting/goal accomplishing process with each and every one of our issues over the past three years. It saved our marriage and there is no way I'm stopping this partnering now!
So what do you think of their stories? Next post, I'll give you 1 more story. At the mean time, you can check out Get Girlfriend Come Back to learn more.
