While their relationship was not in trouble, both Tim and Sophie wanted to live long, healthy lives and bring good nutrition and consistent exercise into their lifestyle. They valued doing it together to strengthen their partnership and to have active time together.
Tim and Sophie were stuck on how to arrive at a mutually satisfying exercise program they could consistently share.
They had their goal. Applying Step 10 of the process, Tim and Sophie laid out their individual ideas. Tim's choice was for he and Sophie to go running together. Sophie responded,
I'm not interested in running or training for a race like you are, but I do like to walk, and if you would consider compromising, I'd do some brisk walking with you three times a week after dinner.
Brisk walking was now on the table; however, Tim wasn't buying into it. At this point, Tim and Sophie were encouraged to keep these individual options on the table, and to come up with at least three totally, different ideas that pleased them both. They slowly began to play with ideas together. Tim said,
I'm wondering if we don't both need to do something totally new. When I really listen to Sophie and mirror back what she is saying, I learn more details about what she is saying. Sophie is telling me that she wants an exercise that's
1) challengang, but
2) not harsh, and
3) fits into our odd schedules.
I also like a challenge, and I can also work with her to find something not too harsh for her and an exercise that fits into our schedules - so all of her needs get met, and I am happy too.
As they talked together, they invented three new options: joining a regular evening Pilates class, purchasing exercise equipment for a home gym, and taking private yoga classes. In addition to listening and mirroring, they tried the Steps to Brainstorming exercise and the Map It Out exercise. Chances Of Getting Back Together After Break Up
Sophie remarked,
Mapping out our options on paper was fun. I think we were both surprised at how difficult it was to come up with three solutions we both agreed on, but after brainstorming at least ten ideas, we narrowed down our top choices to the three we could both enjoy. Then we started to get excited about the new alternatives.
Said Tim,
We talked about each idea, and the private yoga instruction really excited both of us. Now we love yoga, and we can schedule the lessons any time of the day or evening.
Sophie added,
Both of us love the new challenge. We can be doing the very same yoga movement, but I can go at my own pace and so can Tim. It's perfect for us.
Inventing New Options May Save Your Sanity
Rachel and Levi's situation was much more tenuous. They had to work hard to practice the earlier partnering steps and calm their relationship down before they could apply Step 10. Gradually they stopped sniping and snarling at each other and behaved in a more adult manner. As they did so, they created packets of time to talk and managed to have less chaotic dinners and bedtimes - enough so they stayed connected as a couple and as a family.
Thern they dialogued about many things and especially their different thoughts on Josh's outbursts and how to parent him. As they realized they needed ro come up with new solutions to their disagreements instead of stubbornly holding their private positions, Rachel and Levi began to learn to learn new options together.
They applied these new options to their son's outbursts and to their reaction to his outbursts. Levi's old stance was to yell at Rachel and tell her to make Josh behave. Then he would sulk all night, remaining disconnected from his wife even if Josh had quieted down. Rachel's old response was to yell back and take Josh to his room and hold him tightly until he had stopped flailing and fighting back and then cried and calmed down enough to talk to her. This sometimes took more than an hour. Chances Of Getting Back Together After Break Up
As they tried the Steps to Brainstorming exercise, Levi and Rachel came up with these options:
1) They could take Josh to a therapist to see what was wrong and get outside help;
2) one parent could handle the situation at any one time while the other left the room and did not interfere; or
3) they could tell Josh that his outbursts were no longer OK.
If he was frustrated, it was OK to feel that way, but he'd have to go to his room until he felt calmer. Then he could rejoin the family. Josh could also be given two choices of activities or foods to select from. This idea came up because Josh seemed to melt down whenever he wanted something but was not given a choice in the matter.
Brainstorming also raised a discussion of how Levi was going to behave differently than in the past since he had been demonstrating behavior similar to Josh's behavior. They agreed that if they wanted Josh to change, Levi would also have to change.
Out of this list of new options, Rachel and Levi agreed to not interfere with each other's parenting decisions until they obtained a family therapist's professional opinion on how to proceed. The therapist applauded their efforts at brainstorming, and confirmed that Josh's issues were behavioral and changeable with more structure in the family life. Then she encouraged this couple find the win/wins they could implement to help their son.
Feeling buoyed with renewed optimism, Rachel and Levi utilized the Map It Out exercise to help them arrive at mutually satisfying next steps they could agree on. They quickly chose to give Josh choices and also to send him to his room to manage his feelings when he became upset.
They both agreed to be loving but firm rather than blaming, judgmental, or dictatorial with Josh - Together - as a united front - they presented these new conditions to Josh. They did so in a matter-of-fact and calm manner.
Within two weeks of consistent practice, Josh's behavior became more appropriate. When he did experience a meltdown and was sent to his room, he accepted the ground rules and learned to comfort himself until he was ready to come out and talk or rejoin family activities.
In this calmer atmosphere, Rachel and Levi continued to reconnect and resolve other issues on their partnering table. They also found ways to provide their eleven-year-old with more attention that had previously gone only to Josh. Aaron began to come out of his shell. The entire family life improved as Josh gradually learned to manage his emotions and his parent's partnership was strengthened. The threat of divorce disappeared.
Just like Tim and Sophie or Rachel and Levi, your communication toward satisfying solutions may become stuck. Shifting your responses to build on each other's ideas is an approach you will want to add to your toolkit. To find out more, you can check out Chances Of Getting Back Together After Break Up.
