The Relighting Romance tool we'll discuss helps you listen for understanding when
- you encounter, difficulty or disagreement in your communication or when you are about to work toward resolving a previously hot topic;
- one of you wants a change and the other isn't aware of the need for change;
- you want to explore a new or future Relighting Romance Dream together.
It is only when you have thoroughly listened to each other, when you have arrived at a clear understanding of each viewpoint, that you can work toward mutually satisfying win/win solutions together. In this post, you will learn to listen for new understanding as you discuss goals that used to be conflicts. In the later post, Step 10: Resolve Conflict and Create New Options Together, you will learn tools to arrive at new solutions together as you work to reach your goals. Listen To Spouse
Later in the next few posts, you'll read some examples of how this dialogue has been used by many other couples to listen carefully and understand their partner more fully. You'll see how this tool is useful when applied to frequent, everyday interactions, such as scheduling; hot topics or hurtful experiences, such as emotional affairs or in-law troubles; and even Relighting Romance Dreams you'd like to pursue. Then you'll apply the Intentional Dialogue to topics on your partnering table.
The Intentional Dialogue Technique and Its Uses
In close relationships, people often mistakenly assume that they are listening to each other and hearing what their partner says. When a couple finds they have been facing unresolved issues for a period, they often discover through Intentional Dialogue that they are laboring under mismatched assumption. One partner may not have truly agreed to a particular resolution or decision.
That person may have been silent or grunted or rolled his or her eyes or looked at the floor. That partner may never truly have said yes or no. I always think that not saying "yes" should be taken is "no" - rather than as "maybe," "we'll see, but we need to talk more," or "no, for now."
The Intentional Dialogue is a technique for communicating about topics that are problematically difficult to hear or difficult to understand. It is a tool for listening deeply to and signaling that you have heard what another person says.
This tool helps you to avoid making assumptions, so you can truly know what your partner thinks and feels. Using this tool will give each of you an opportunity to thoroughly explore and articulate all of your thoughts without being interrupted or cut off. We seldom have the opportunity to be listened to so well; in Relighting Romance Partnering, the Intentional Dialogue gives you both that chance.
Very often couples can't arrive at a resolution on a particular issue. But, once one person feels understood, what was once problematic is often no longer so. If there is understanding, we can work for resolution together.
Often in our closest intimate relationships, we just want to be understood; we may think we need to get our partner to agree with us, but really, we just want our point of view heard and accepted, not diminished or swept under the rug. Listen To Spouse
When it is your turn to assume the listener role, you may hear new things that you didn't know your partner even thought about. You may find great wisdom, some tough feedback, some deep hurts, and even great new ideas if you learn to listen.
Once you get the hang of the Intentional Dialogue, you will find that conflicts are resolved more quickly and smoothly. In addition, because your energy is not bound up in fighting or disagreements, you will unleash more energy for play, passion, fun, and even greater creativity in your relationship.
The Intentional Dialogue was originally developed in what is called Imago Relationship Therapy. Back in the early 1970s when Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) was a new and popular communication training approach, some of the foundations of the Intentional Dialogue technique were first introduced.
Over the years, various educators have used the terms paraphrasing, mirroring, and active listening to describe aspects of this healthy approach to communication. Harville Hendrix and his colleagues compiled and combined the best of what was known about the dialogue technique and published the tools in his book Getting The Love You Want: A Guide For Couples (2007). It is now widely used. In my own work with couples, the Intentional Dialogue has become pivotal in helping Relighting Romance Partners resolve conflict.
Next post, I'll share with you some techniques you can apply immediately to your life. To learn more, you can check out Listen To Spouse.
