Proven Method Getting Your Girlfriend Back Relationship - Turn Problems Into Goals

Proven Method Getting Your Girlfriend Back Relationship 

Turn Problems into Mutual Goals and Work Toward Them Together 
 
Throughout this program you have discontinued fighting, changed your perspective, replaced negative interactions with positive ones, and become closer again. Along the way, you have identified unresolved issues, and you have reflected on things you'd like to improve or dreams you'd like to reach for. In Step 7, you made a master list and put it "on your partnering table." This list included every issue either of you felt was still unresolved, any areas needing improvement, and any other desires or dreams you long for.

Now, in Relighting Romance Step 8: Turn Problems into Mutual Goals and Work Toward Them Together, you are going to turn your problems into goals you can reach for together. You are going to turn what has been negative into a positive. The following is a list of what you will do:

• Turn your "issues and problems" into "daily details" you resolve together. Resolving everyday conflicts, or smoothing out your daily details, will be your primary focus in Steps 8-10. These are typically the everyday things that you bicker about or push under the rug and continuously trip over (such as child care or parenting differences, household chores, who plans the dates or social calendar, frequency of sex, how finances are handled, and so on). Because you encounter these differences, disagreements, or issues frequently, they can easily erode the good feelings between you. Addressing each one together will make your daily life run much more smoothly, freeing more time and energy for the next type of goal. Proven Method Getting Your Girlfriend Back Relationship
• Revitalize your Relighting Romance Dreams and reach for them together. These goals include bigger dreams and future desires. You may want to achieve some of these in three months and others in three, ten, or fifteen years.
  These Relighting Romance Dreams include goals that may feel a bit out of your reach and may take a bit longer to accomplish. So it is important to begin taking action toward achieving them gradually over time. Some of you are more ready to tackle your Relighting Romance Dreams than others.
  It doesn't matter. I want each of you to begin practicing envisioning your Relighting Romance Dreams and taking small steps toward achieving them together in the posts ahead.

Do You Have Experience with Goal Setting? 

You may already be an active goal-setter. Perhaps you are one of those people who doesn't like or know how to set goals. The facts are

• people who set goals achieve more in life;
• when two people try to accomplish something together, they need to choose the same target and synchronize their efforts;
• those who clarify what they want and decide how they will work to achieve their dreams will do just that.

If you are not in the habit of setting goals, try and experiment so you can measure the positive changes you create together as you go forward using the Relighting Romance approach. If you already have experience with goal setting, your focus will be learning to synchronize your goals and achieving them together as partners. 

Matching your goals and accomplishing them together will make you feel competent and successful as partners. You will become masters at achieving your own destiny - staying connected, having more fun, and being creative - far beyond all the advises given in this blog.

Your Goals: Are They Basic Needs, Desires, or Dreams? 

As you grow, you each have the opportunity to provide for yourself and others at two levels. The first is a basic survival level. These are needs for food, clothing, shelter, and medical attention, as well as the money, to attain these necessities. You also have sexual needs. Proven Method Getting Your Girlfriend Back Relationship

The second level involves things you want. You do not need that red dress or new car, but you may want it! Unlike survival needs, which, if unmet, can result in illness or even death, wants can be modified. You may want a feast, but a steak sandwich may do. You may want a two-week vacation, but a day by the lake may better fit your schedule and budget - and give you the downtime you want.

Then there are the "wants" that some people think of as abundance or "havingness." Achieving a sense of simplicity and living a sustainable lifestyle falls into this category for some. For others, it is multiple homes, cars, and vacations. For yet others, abundance includes feeling at being healthy, and having time for family and friends. 

Allowing yourself this kind of wealth may or may not involve money. Such abundance may relate to your wealth of knowledge, wisdom, friends, or laughter or your connection to God, a Higher Being, nature, or beauty. Allowing yourself to explore what you truly want is where your dreams and desires come into play.

After understanding this, next post, we'll go into some real life examples of different families. If you want to learn more, you can check out Proven Method Getting Your Girlfriend Back Relationship.

Signs Ex Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together - Make Win/Win Decisions Together

Signs Ex Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together

I've asked you to stand still and to practice some new behaviors that will be more constructive. You've been introduced to the idea of putting your issues and desires on your partnering table rather than between you. As you use your partnering table later, you will reflect on your readiness to give up your own way and instead create win/win solutions together. 

This is the final aspect of Step 7: embracing the win/win mindset that is necessary for coming to mutually satisfying solutions to your differences or disagreements. You will practice this win/win mindset as you progress through all 10 Steps; this is a preview of the mindset Relighting Romance Partners remember and practice all of the time.

Working together for win/wins is the mark of a true partnership. Win/ wins cannot happen when you put issues between you and blame, criticize, or demand. Win/wins also do not exist when there is too much compromising. When individuals over-compromise or shortchange themselves by abandoning their desires, they become resentful. Their identities and sense of self-worth are damaged.

In Relighting Romance Partnering there is no need to settle for less, because ,nothing goes into the Our World circle until you both fully agree to it. Some discussions are quick and easy; others may take days, weeks, or months to arrive at win/win decisions. If you are not reaching an agreement, then you may set the discussion aside for a while. Later you may revisit the topic, building on previous discussions until you have creatively and mutually arrived at a decision together. Signs Ex Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together

In most relationships, minor differences of opinion or needs are easy to negotiate, with agreements going into the Our World circle. For example, take Mary and Tom's dinnertime discussion:

Mary. "Gee, honey, where shall we eat tonight? I think I'd like fish."
Tom: "Actually, I feel more like steak."
Mary: "Oh, you want steak? Well, what would you think about the surf-and-turf over at Clearwater Cafe?" If Tom doesn't want to go to the Clearwater Cafe, he might agree to have fish at another fish restaurant, because what he has to eat isn't really that important - he's just hungry. And, he's willing to wait until tomorrow night to grill steaks at home. He may also choose the good feeling he gets by pleasing his wife.

When it comes to topics with larger consequences, it is not good to compromise or settle too quickly. The following examples represent some topics that were complex and required time for each couple to arrive at solutions that would be satisfying to both partners. It required they keep the topic "on the table" and maintain a win/win mindset, while they listened for understanding and then creatively problem solved, as you will learn to do in the coming posts.

Jo Ellen and Bradley struggled for months over Jo Ellen's dislike of Bradley's mother. This problem had an impact on holidays and time spent with her family versus his family. It also forced them to keep their in-laws on the table, so Jo Ellen was not disrespectful of Bradley still loving and caring about his mother, even though she did have irritating behaviors.

Blended families are always challenging. Tammy thought she knew this when she married Calvin, but his teenaged son's disrespect for household rules and their new relationship nearly broke them up. When they learned to put parenting on their partnering table and to come together around how to parent, this couple felt successful once again.

Another example is Heather, a savvy woman in her mid-thirties, recently married to Steve who is twelve years her senior. Heather really wanted a baby and was concerned that her age and health problems could affect conception.

Steve also wanted a baby but was less tuned in to the biological clock. He thwarted deeper discussions, which made Heather angry. As they practiced partnering and put this and many other complicated issues on their partnering table, they were able to talk about the joys and difficulties they both anticipated in starting their family. Signs Ex Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together

Notice When You Polarize Versus When You Come Together 

When you communicate with your partner, make a note of each time you find yourself pointing out differences, being negative about an idea, or taking an oppositional viewpoint. Write your observations in your notebook. Ask yourself, "What purpose do these polarizing comments serve for me? How can I break this habit? What do I need to do to better connect with my partner when we talk?"

Practice Coming Together
 
As you raise your individual awareness of any polarizing behavior or negativity, consciously practice focusing your conversations on the ways in which you are similar or in agreement. Notice these especially during your regular talking times or in dialogue about your mutual goals.

Then, during one of your regular talking times, take turns describing what you have each noticed about the quality of your communication and how each of you is working to improve it. Be sure to show your appreciation for any progress you see the two of you making.

Hope this post has benefited you. If you are interested to learn more, you can check out Signs Ex Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together.

Breakups Get Ex Back - Come Together Versus Taking Sides

Breakups Get Ex Back

If you always take opposite points of view or if you are competitive or always polarize, practice replacing this behavior with actions that promote "coming together."

I once assigned a particularly feisty couple the task of carrying squirt guns to remind them to "lay down their arms." They quickly learned to see the humor in how they approached each other as enemies rather than as allies. They had spent enormous amounts of time arguing over who was right and who was to blame. It had not only sucked up all their time and creative energy, but also it had polarized them so they could only see their differences. They guarded their individual turf very well, but they were unable to come together to resolve, build, create, or imagine anything new.

Relationships are not meant to be courtroom battles, war zones, or debate tournaments. Home should be a safe harbor where you can let your hair down, play, and be a little goofy. This behavior rejuvenates you for going back out into the world of work and high expectations - where sometimes battles do have to he fought. When we are competitive in the rest of our lives, learning to soften up when we walk in the front door takes practice. Of course you have differences. That is a given when two unique individuals spend time together.

However, rather than oppose each other, why not actively seek common ground? When you focus on things in which you are similar, rather than in which you differ, you will

• both feel more accepted, listened to, and loved;
• establish an arena - rather than a boxing ring - in which to create what you both want in life.

Think of yourselves as rivers flowing toward the equator, pulled by gravitational forces. Your individual waters flow in the same direction and seek a coming together - to form a larger, more forcefully flowing river or body of water. Your positive ideas, thoughts, dreams, conversations, and desires are like those waters seeking to merge - seeking to form a greater creative energy than either of you can manifest on your own. Breakups Get Ex Back

Luis and Rosa had difficulty coming together. Rosa explained it this way: 

We've been together for almost sixteen years. In the past, whenever I came up with an idea, Luis would either tell me about three or four better ideas he'd heard of, or describe all the problems we'd run into if we pursued my idea. As a result, we never went on any trips or took any classes together. It was hard to agree on how to socialize or do anything new. I always felt like he wanted to put a boulder in our path, like he didn't love me or want to support my ideas. I sort of felt like he thought my ideas were stupid.

Luis agreed they were having communication issues. He went on to explain the changes they were making:

Rosa is right. But I also thought she didn't support my ideas either. I would try to add my thoughts to hers when she came up with an idea, thinking it would help, but it never did. Instead, Rosa always felt like I was shooting her ideas down, or trying to promote my own ideas. 

When we were introduced to Relighting Romance Partnering, I learned to listen to Rosa first before injecting my suggestions. Once Rosa knew I had heard her, then she was open to hearing my additions. Gradually I realized that my whole family talks the way I used to! You say a thought or idea, and they take it in a million different directions, but never in the direction you had wanted.

They forget to acknowledge your idea so you know you have been heard. Like me, they assume you know they have heard you by simply going on and injecting their thoughts. They don't even realize they are doing it - but nobody's ideas ever come together as a result. Breakups Get Ex Back

As they learned to come together in their conversations, Luis and Rosa found that they resolved everyday problems more quickly and had fun more often.

All Issues Go "On The Table"- Not Between You 

Practicing standing still and adding new positive responses to your repertoire helps, but it does not take away those issues that remain unresolved. You may blame your partner for disagreements, differences, or even stressors from outside circumstances. When you blame your partner, you create a wall between you that cuts off your connection and feelings of closeness.

You are no longer on the same team. You cannot work together to arrive at solutions. Putting your disagreements between you polarizes you. It is like being adversaries or enemies - at opposite ends of a tug-of-war rope. It may feel like a brick wall between you. It means you must adopt a new perspective. 

Put the issues on the table, so they do not blur or blind your vision or make you forget you are on the same team. Life is stressful enough without blocking out your partner and the lifeline of potential creative problem solving between you.

In Relighting Romance Partnering, all issues, desires, requests, differences, and disagreements go on the table rather than between you. All issues are viewed as simply life circumstances you address together. Then you work toward mutually satisfying solutions together. You can learn more by clicking Breakups Get Ex Back right away!

Best Get Back Together Lines - Build on Each Other's Ideas

Best Get Back Together Lines

Another positive behavior to replace your old negative interactions is to build on each other's ideas rather than ignore or disagree. For example, when your partner shares an idea or a thought, once you have listened thoroughly, respond by saying,

"Let me build on that idea." Or, "Would it be all right if I built on that ideal?" 

"Let me add to that thought." Or, "Would it be all right if I added to that thought?"

As you practice this strategy, you will experience the building-block effect of reciprocal ideas being exchanged. You will create a network of interlocking ideas, rather than ideas that are conflicting, disjointed, or disconnected.

The following are additional phrases that you can use to build on each other's ideas or thoughts (of course, feel free to come up with your own as well.):

• "I can see that if (refer to what your partner has just shared), then ...
• "I can imagine that if we (refer to what your partner has just said), then ...
• "I am wondering if we also ..."
• "I'd like to explore that option some more and add..."
• "What if we did what you suggest and then also experimented with ..."

At first you may want to mimic and play, just to practice, until you each find the phrases that feel right to you. The aim is to continue to come together, build on each other's ideas, and intensify the creative flow of ideas.
 
Choose Win/Wins and Close the Loop
 
Here's how the process goes: You identified your mutual goal and listened for understanding. Now, following the Map It Out exercise, invent new ideas together. They may be playfully wild and crazy just to get you started. Stretch to add many ideas that are realistic or doable. Brainstorm and build on each other's ideas as you come up with new options. Discuss which concepts are mutually agreeable. 

Sometimes aspects of two or three suggestions form the right solution. That's OK. Then close the loop. This means that together you identify the option or options that are mutually satisfying. If more than one option is a win/win, choose your favorite to practice as a solution to your former problem. Then discuss what each of you will to do, when and how you will each follow through as you try this newly invented solution to resolve a former problem and reach your desired goal. 

Closing the loop means coming to agreement and developing a timetable to experiment. After you have tried your new solution for a time, you will come back and evaluate how they are going, then refine your action steps.
 
Experiment and Explore as You Try Your New Options 

Frequent experimenting with new ideas or options and exploring to see if you like or enjoy something new can be fun. It also makes you resilient, ready for changes that come your way, and ready to pivot or change course because you become familiar with change and how to navigate through it. Experimenting and exploring also brings a little spice to life. 

If we wear something flashy, learn a new dance move, eat unique foods, or approach our partner with a fresh perspective, new doors can open. Experimenting and exploring in little ways makes us ready for bigger considerations. It makes us ready for anything big we might like to change or bring into our lives. Some examples of this type of change are planning for a new baby, a new pet, a new job, a move to a new city, a new house, attending a different church or synagogue, a new way to handle your finances or friendships, arid so on.
 
Let's look at Paul and Maude's situation: They were focused on a Partnering Goal. As Paul explained it,
 
We both thought we wanted to live in the suburbs about ten years ago, when we had three little kids. We considered this even though we were both raised in a medium-sized city.

Said Maude, 

Yeah, we should have found a way to check out suburban living without having to uproot ourselves and the kids, but I guess that was part of our experiment-to figure out where and how we all wanted to live.

Paul remarked, 

It was a disruptive experiment, but now we all know. We sold our great old house and bought a big rambler about thirty-five minutes from downtown. We only lived there two years, because we just missed the city too much. We all had such strong ties to our old friends and neighbors, the city shops and cultural centers. We found ourselves constantly driving into town! 

Maude added, 

Finally, we just gave up and moved back to the city and into a different house in our old neighborhood. At least we know where we want to be, and everyone got the suburb fantasy out of their systems. So know how to get back together? If not, you can check out Best Get Back Together Lines for additional tips!

Signs Your Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together - Stand Still And Dance

Signs Your Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together

Following up from previous post, Richard said,

I realized I had been holding onto the notion that I was right and it was getting us nowhere. Even though I don't feel the need for as many savings accounts as Katherine, she is making fantastic progress in building our wedding savings, and I really do want to work on this together.

Katherine added,

While we haven't fully come up with a total financial approach that will work for all of our money in our marriage, when I stopped demanding that Richard do it my way and stopped feeling like he was the bad guy and chasing after him to contribute, he had time to come toward a calmer me. I stood still and just waited.
It took about a week, and then he brought up the topic. He actually asked me how much I had put into the account and what his half would be. Whew! Was I ever relieved.

Richard then went on to explain how they established saving for the wedding as a mutual goal:

Then we really talked about how much we wanted the same things and needed to stop criticizing each other. We agreed that we don't know how to handle our finances when we are married, but we both want to contribute to this savings account now. We set up an automatic withdrawal from my account, and Katherine will simply track to see we are both contributing about equal amounts going forward.

Katherine said, 

This wasn't easy, but we have both learned how our assumptions about each other's style of intentions were destructive. Keeping our issues on the table can save us a lot of heartache.

Richard added, "And it saved the time we spent bickering!" Signs Your Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together

What is important is that Richard and Katherine have learned to put issues on the table, stand still, and be in a win/win mindset as they approach anything together. It may take time, patience, and care to arrive at the mutual "yes!" but the feeling of well-being is definitely worth waiting for.
 
Just like in the example of Richard and Katherine, you can observe a pattern of how any two people come together or move apart over their differences. Each couple develops an intimacy distance they maintain throughout their relationship, unless they become aware of their old pattern and work to change it. 

Eileen MeCann, in her book The Two-Step: The Dance Toward lntimacy. (published in 1987 and still in print today) animated this intimacy distance and dance quite pointed and often humorously in this thirty-minute read.
 
Ideally, partners should come together and move apart, come together and move apart with a nice rhythm; meeting in the middle and then taking private or individual time, then meeting in the middle again. The rhythm of the coming together and the moving apart can vary for each couple based on the intensity of the intimacy. For example, suppose a couple has deep, deep personal discussions that are very self-revealing early on as they fall in love.

They may seek a little space to absorb the feelings these revelations engendered - not to disconnect but to be with one's self. Another example would be a deeply intimate sexual experience between two people who are tender and vulnerable, maybe even passionate or tempestuous. Their bodies and beings may need some time to absorb and enjoy both the pleasure and the powerful closeness. The same is true when a couple explodes in rage and says destructive things. The partners often retreat to their corners and may take days to reemerge and reconnect.
 
When couples are not doing well, you often see one of two patterns: either both people avoiding each other or one chasing and the other withdrawing. Sometimes, if the chase continues and feels like nagging or haranguing, the partner who is running away or withdrawing will decide he or she has had enough and will turn and snarl or fight back, causing the chaser to then shut down or flee. 

If you could see the intimacy-distance set up between the two, you would notice that they rarely get any closer or further away. One person is always being chased and the other is always chasing; one is always being pursued and the other is pursuing. In this relationship dance, these couples never get any closer until they learn new steps.

No matter which dance you and your parmer have been executing and no matter how much intimacy-distance you have created between you, you can begin to change your pattern by standing still. That's right. It is similar to the notion of "fighting for now." Stop chasing. Stop pursuing. Stand still. You will have to face your own feelings and notice your own fears or frustrations. Signs Your Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together

For example, many women say,

But if I don't talk to him, or beg him, or tell him what to do he might never talk to me.
 
Men often say,

If I just stopped to listen to her, she might never be quiet. I might never please her.

Do you hear the fear of loss? Yet choosing, avoiding, or lashing out do not get you what you really want. So, stand still. Stop any old behaviors. What you do next will depend on your situation, but standing still is a good start. It is a change. If your dance is not toward intimacy, you need change.

Chasing your partner will not reassure you. It does not teach you to trust that your partner will come toward you on his or her own - because of want, because of love.

For those of you who have been running away, withdrawing or avoiding, will never find out if your partner calms down when you simply stand still and listen without trying to fix anything. He or she may not calm down entirely or be satistied at first. You will have to learn to communicate more and resolve problems together, but standing still is a start.

As you become better at standing still, coming together versus taking sides in a conversation is a particularly useful tool. To learn more, you can check out Signs Your Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together.