Another positive behavior to replace your old negative interactions is to build on each other's ideas rather than ignore or disagree. For example, when your partner shares an idea or a thought, once you have listened thoroughly, respond by saying,
"Let me build on that idea." Or, "Would it be all right if I built on that ideal?"
"Let me add to that thought." Or, "Would it be all right if I added to that thought?"
As you practice this strategy, you will experience the building-block effect of reciprocal ideas being exchanged. You will create a network of interlocking ideas, rather than ideas that are conflicting, disjointed, or disconnected.
The following are additional phrases that you can use to build on each other's ideas or thoughts (of course, feel free to come up with your own as well.):
- "I can see that if (refer to what your partner has just shared), then ...
- "I can imagine that if we (refer to what your partner has just said), then ...
- "I am wondering if we also ..."
- "I'd like to explore that option some more and add..."
- "What if we did what you suggest and then also experimented with ..."
Choose Win/Wins and Close the Loop
Here's how the process goes: You identified your mutual goal and listened for understanding. Now, following the Map It Out exercise, invent new ideas together. They may be playfully wild and crazy just to get you started. Stretch to add many ideas that are realistic or doable. Brainstorm and build on each other's ideas as you come up with new options. Discuss which concepts are mutually agreeable.
Sometimes aspects of two or three suggestions form the right solution. That's OK. Then close the loop. This means that together you identify the option or options that are mutually satisfying. If more than one option is a win/win, choose your favorite to practice as a solution to your former problem. Then discuss what each of you will to do, when and how you will each follow through as you try this newly invented solution to resolve a former problem and reach your desired goal.
Closing the loop means coming to agreement and developing a timetable to experiment. After you have tried your new solution for a time, you will come back and evaluate how they are going, then refine your action steps.
Experiment and Explore as You Try Your New Options
Frequent experimenting with new ideas or options and exploring to see if you like or enjoy something new can be fun. It also makes you resilient, ready for changes that come your way, and ready to pivot or change course because you become familiar with change and how to navigate through it. Experimenting and exploring also brings a little spice to life.
If we wear something flashy, learn a new dance move, eat unique foods, or approach our partner with a fresh perspective, new doors can open. Experimenting and exploring in little ways makes us ready for bigger considerations. It makes us ready for anything big we might like to change or bring into our lives. Some examples of this type of change are planning for a new baby, a new pet, a new job, a move to a new city, a new house, attending a different church or synagogue, a new way to handle your finances or friendships, arid so on.
Let's look at Paul and Maude's situation: They were focused on a Partnering Goal. As Paul explained it,
We both thought we wanted to live in the suburbs about ten years ago, when we had three little kids. We considered this even though we were both raised in a medium-sized city.
Said Maude,
Yeah, we should have found a way to check out suburban living without having to uproot ourselves and the kids, but I guess that was part of our experiment-to figure out where and how we all wanted to live.
Paul remarked,
It was a disruptive experiment, but now we all know. We sold our great old house and bought a big rambler about thirty-five minutes from downtown. We only lived there two years, because we just missed the city too much. We all had such strong ties to our old friends and neighbors, the city shops and cultural centers. We found ourselves constantly driving into town!
Maude added,
Finally, we just gave up and moved back to the city and into a different house in our old neighborhood. At least we know where we want to be, and everyone got the suburb fantasy out of their systems. So know how to get back together? If not, you can check out Best Get Back Together Lines for additional tips!
