Wanting to Give up Before You've Tried Everything Possible
When couples claim that they want to break up, I ask them to reconsider. They need to think about any regrets they might have if they do not try to sort out the problems in their relationship. Breaking up and divorce have long-lasting consequences for both the adults and the children involved.
Seeking help at this point means attending relationship therapy or participating in a marriage education course. It means learning new skills, looking at the issues, and arriving at potential new solutions. This is important for two reasons:
1) As we get older, we cannot help but accumulate more regrets, and
2) regrets and feelings of failure are hard on the heart.
For the sake of your heart and your future well-being, make sure you know for certain that you have done all you can to make the relationship work.
The second reason to get help for your relationship is for your children's sake. As adults, you and your partner will survive and rebuild your lives. Your children, no matter what their ages, will be affected by your threatening their stability and breaking up their home. While many children adjust to these changes that come with divorce, they will always live with the psychological and emotional ramifications of their parents breaking apart. They are also likely to experience the inconsistency, instability, and negative economics of divorce, no matter how well they are parented by one or both of you. Advice For Relationships
One Day At ATime
One study shows that when married couples are unhappy but stay together even though they don't get outside help, 86 percent report greatly increased happiness and satisfaction five years later. The experts speculate that much of a couple's dissatisfaction may be due to circumstances - such as job stress, child rearing, health problems, care of elderly parents, disability, etc. If they stay together, such circumstances pass with time. When couples survive difficult times and, additionally, seek support and learn to partner during those times, they can thrive.
I always advise couples going through stressful situations to commit to working on their relationship on a daily basis - one day at a time. Every morning, acknowledge your commitment by saying to yourself "I am willing to do my part in partnering today." When your circumstances are difficult, in order to weather the daily ups and downs, use your sense of willingness to help you build the emotional muscles and stamina to stay in the relationship and keep moving forward. Of course, you should seek support and help. Moreover, if you need a break, take a few hours off just for yourself. Offer your partner time off as well.
If You Are Considering Leaving Your Partner
Sometimes a breakup or divorce is unavoidable. If a couple must break up or divorce, it is important that the partners try to separate without threats or anger. As doing so can be extremely difficult in some eases, many couples seek professional help to get through this difficult process. Again, I always advise couples who are on the brink of separation to make absolutely certain that dissolving their partnership is what they want to do.
If they discuss their potential breakup with a psychologist, marriage counselor, or mediator and still decide to end their relationship, at least they will have a better understanding of "why" and less opportunity for regrets and bitterness down the road.
There are many challenges, circumstances, and phases in a long-term relationship. Some are more difficult and some more joyful than others. If we love our partner in the active way that M. Scott Peck describes, if in our calmer moments we truly want to be in a relationship, if we are mature enough to know that the day-to-day is not always easy, then commitment to the relationship - along with perseverance, creativity, and humor - can see us through the challenging times. Advice For Relationships
Children and Divorce
It is not uncommon in stressful marriages for the kids to weigh in on whether parents should stay together or divorce. DO NOT give your children this power. Keep them out of the middle. This is your adult relationship and you need to deal with it, whether you stay together or separate.
It is harmful to children when they take sides. It is harmful to children to see the two of you act in ways they don't respect - you are their role models - even if they see you disagree and divorce. If they see you acting as adults and treating each other, as well as them, respectfully, you will all be better off.
You are the adults, and they need to be the children, What is important is learning to communicate appropriately with your children about times of stress that may feel threatening to them. It is best if you can partner on how and what to communicate to your kids, If you cannot partner, then you be the stable, healthy, appropriately adult parent in your communications. These communications include the following:
- Reassure your children that you love them and will always take care of them.
- NEVER confide in your children. This is a burden they are too young to manage. Talk to your healthy friends and a therapist.
- Let them know that adults do have problems and tell them the truth about what you are doing. For example: "Yes, your daddy and I are having problems. He's very mad at me and sometimes I don't speak kindly to him. Even adults need to practice healthy communication. Even adults need to learn better ways of talking to each other so they don't hurt each other."
- Then tell them more truth. "We are going to counseling to learn how to treat each other better." Or, "We are going to live in two separate houses for a while to see if we can learn to be nicer to each other." Either way, say, "This is our adult problem. We still love you and your job is to be the kid. We will always love you and take care of you."
- Never mention divorce unless you have finalized that decision. Kids know it is a possibility. What they don't know is if you are working on your relationship. Unless you tell them, they will jump to conclusions.
- Tell your children you are going to take five minutes every other day to talk with them about how they are feeling, Do this with each child individually, giving each child an opportunity to open up and have you just listen. You can reassure and clarify what is going on if you hear their fear or their misunderstanding.
