Following up from previous post, Richard said,
I realized I had been holding onto the notion that I was right and it was getting us nowhere. Even though I don't feel the need for as many savings accounts as Katherine, she is making fantastic progress in building our wedding savings, and I really do want to work on this together.
Katherine added,
While we haven't fully come up with a total financial approach that will work for all of our money in our marriage, when I stopped demanding that Richard do it my way and stopped feeling like he was the bad guy and chasing after him to contribute, he had time to come toward a calmer me. I stood still and just waited.
It took about a week, and then he brought up the topic. He actually asked me how much I had put into the account and what his half would be. Whew! Was I ever relieved.
Richard then went on to explain how they established saving for the wedding as a mutual goal:
Then we really talked about how much we wanted the same things and needed to stop criticizing each other. We agreed that we don't know how to handle our finances when we are married, but we both want to contribute to this savings account now. We set up an automatic withdrawal from my account, and Katherine will simply track to see we are both contributing about equal amounts going forward.
Katherine said,
This wasn't easy, but we have both learned how our assumptions about each other's style of intentions were destructive. Keeping our issues on the table can save us a lot of heartache.
Richard added, "And it saved the time we spent bickering!" Signs Your Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together
What is important is that Richard and Katherine have learned to put issues on the table, stand still, and be in a win/win mindset as they approach anything together. It may take time, patience, and care to arrive at the mutual "yes!" but the feeling of well-being is definitely worth waiting for.
Just like in the example of Richard and Katherine, you can observe a pattern of how any two people come together or move apart over their differences. Each couple develops an intimacy distance they maintain throughout their relationship, unless they become aware of their old pattern and work to change it.
Eileen MeCann, in her book The Two-Step: The Dance Toward lntimacy. (published in 1987 and still in print today) animated this intimacy distance and dance quite pointed and often humorously in this thirty-minute read.
Ideally, partners should come together and move apart, come together and move apart with a nice rhythm; meeting in the middle and then taking private or individual time, then meeting in the middle again. The rhythm of the coming together and the moving apart can vary for each couple based on the intensity of the intimacy. For example, suppose a couple has deep, deep personal discussions that are very self-revealing early on as they fall in love.
They may seek a little space to absorb the feelings these revelations engendered - not to disconnect but to be with one's self. Another example would be a deeply intimate sexual experience between two people who are tender and vulnerable, maybe even passionate or tempestuous. Their bodies and beings may need some time to absorb and enjoy both the pleasure and the powerful closeness. The same is true when a couple explodes in rage and says destructive things. The partners often retreat to their corners and may take days to reemerge and reconnect.
When couples are not doing well, you often see one of two patterns: either both people avoiding each other or one chasing and the other withdrawing. Sometimes, if the chase continues and feels like nagging or haranguing, the partner who is running away or withdrawing will decide he or she has had enough and will turn and snarl or fight back, causing the chaser to then shut down or flee.
If you could see the intimacy-distance set up between the two, you would notice that they rarely get any closer or further away. One person is always being chased and the other is always chasing; one is always being pursued and the other is pursuing. In this relationship dance, these couples never get any closer until they learn new steps.
No matter which dance you and your parmer have been executing and no matter how much intimacy-distance you have created between you, you can begin to change your pattern by standing still. That's right. It is similar to the notion of "fighting for now." Stop chasing. Stop pursuing. Stand still. You will have to face your own feelings and notice your own fears or frustrations. Signs Your Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together
For example, many women say,
But if I don't talk to him, or beg him, or tell him what to do he might never talk to me.
Men often say,
If I just stopped to listen to her, she might never be quiet. I might never please her.
Do you hear the fear of loss? Yet choosing, avoiding, or lashing out do not get you what you really want. So, stand still. Stop any old behaviors. What you do next will depend on your situation, but standing still is a good start. It is a change. If your dance is not toward intimacy, you need change.
Chasing your partner will not reassure you. It does not teach you to trust that your partner will come toward you on his or her own - because of want, because of love.
For those of you who have been running away, withdrawing or avoiding, will never find out if your partner calms down when you simply stand still and listen without trying to fix anything. He or she may not calm down entirely or be satistied at first. You will have to learn to communicate more and resolve problems together, but standing still is a start.
As you become better at standing still, coming together versus taking sides in a conversation is a particularly useful tool. To learn more, you can check out Signs Your Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together.
