You've probably noticed as you practice Steps 1-5 of this approach that improving your relationship requires change in your perspective and attitude, your behaviors and communications. You've probably also noticed that communication includes not only what you say but also bow you speak and the intention behind your interaction. Relighting Romance Step 6: Understand How You Manage Conflict will help you assess your conflict style.
Clarifying how you respond to differences and disagreements will help you become less reactive, less stuck on past behaviors, as you integrate all 10 Steps and become creative problem solvers together.
Common Communication Wisdom
Even before the research was completed on relationship longevity and communication styles in long-term couples, much was known about basic, good communication. If you are Relighting Romance Partners, this common wisdom is fundamental. You are probably already using most of these guidelines. If not, refresh yourself with the following to increase your awareness and skill.
Use "I" Messages When Speaking
"I" messages tell of your inner experience. For example, "I want to please you right now, but the kids need help with their homework. I'd like us both to help them, and then we can relax once they are in bed. Would that work for you?" Let your partner tell you his or her inner experience and be willing to listen to it. Get Love Back Marriage
Don't "Mind Read"
Mind reading is trying to figure out, or assuming that you already know, what your partner is thinking or feeling. It is telling your partner what he or she is thinking and feeling rather than listening to what that person has to say. Also, don't expect your partner to be able to read your mind.
Speak for Yourself
In adult interactions, it is best if each person speaks for himself or herself. It helps if you don't prejudge your partner's thoughts or feelings. Each of you has a separate inner experience, and each experience is valid. One does not negate the other. It is easier for your partner to listen to you if you "speak for yourself," plus, your partner is more willing to open up and talk to you if he or she feels safe and listened to.
Listen Actively
When you are in the listener role, show that you are interested and tracking what your partner is saying through eye contact, facial expression, and even sounds ("hmmm" or "oh" or other appropriate vocal gestures).
Be Respectful
Think of how you would communicate if you did so with grace and dignity. You would never swear at, berate, or belittle your partner. You wouldn't interrupt. You would definitely not blame, shame, or criticize. You wouldn't raise your voice. Neither would you tease inappropriately, use sarcasm, or do anything that had a hurtful intent.
Instead, you would choose your words carefully when delivering thoughts that might cause pain, concern, or anger. I don't mean you would mince your words or treat another adult like a child who can't handle feedback or critique. Rather, you would communicate with the intention to achieve understanding versus an intention to harm or drive the other person away.
More Than Words
Previously, we discussed the importance of Dr. Gottman's 5-to-1 ratio of positive interactions. Gottman's research findings on marital success or divorce also include factors that are less about what you say and more about how you interact and your positive or negative intent. For example, Gottman's predictors of marital success and happiness include the following. Get Love Back Marriage
High Levels of Friendship, Respect, Affection, and Humor
This is defined as liking each other, being each other's best friend, doing things together, showing interest, supporting each other's goals and aspirations, having fun and laughing together, and being Number One in each other's eyes.
Successful Bids for Attention
For example, the wife says, "Hey, listen to this!" and her husband keeps watching TV and ignores her. He's turning away her bid for attention. However, if he lifts his head and looks at her saying, "Huh?" he's turning toward her. If he actually listens to what she says or starts a conversation, that's a real connection! In successful relationships, couples turn toward each other 86 percent of the time while divorcing couples turn toward each other a mere 33 percent of the time.
Soft Starts
Disagreements are started softly, without criticism, blame, or a harsh tone.
Husband Accepts Influence From Wife
In successful relationships, the husband listens to his wife's advice and will consider changing his behavior based on her observations. Of course, this goes both ways, but women have more experience with accepting influence from their partners. Gottman notes it is important for men to do the same.
Awareness of Each Other's Likes, Needs, Dislikes, and Inner Life
Partners notice each other's preferences; they ask questions; they listen; they care.
The predictors of divorce in Gottman's research include harsh searts of arguments, attacking character traits instead of the problem, name-calling, eye-rolling, contempt, sarcasm, defensiveness, withdrawal, silence, and failing to accept your partners attempts to apologize, ease the tension, or reconnect.
I hope you have learned from this post about how to improve your relationship. To learn more, you can get Get Love Back Marriage right away and win your love life once again!
