Threatening to Leave or Divorce Is Harmful
Another way of abandoning a relationship is to create instability by threatening to leave or divorce. Even when separation or divorce is not truly intended, such threats are ominous and loom over a relationship. They typically contain an element of the partner's thoughts, even when he or she claims it was "just a joke." Usually such threats are meant to get a rise out of the partner and come from the Critical Parent or Wounded Child state.
Unless you stay very adult, it is easy to slip into a childlike demand for attention or parental criticism. For example, "Well! I guess you don't really love me or you'd stay home and we'd go out tonight!" may come from your Wounded Child if you are feeling neglected. A Critical Parent might lash out and say, "This is never going to work! You simply don't ever listen to my needs, even the little ones like keeping the house clean. I've had it!"
We know that children will seek attention through negative behaviors if attention is not freely given when they are behaving positively. Even as adults, we are prone to do the same when we are not in our solid Adult Self. When faced with lack of attention, perceived lack of attention, or when you have other unmet needs, you can present your unhappiness in a way that will be more effective; in a way that will not threaten your partner or your entire relationship. Getting Love Back In Marriage
TIP. A basic rule of commitment is, never threaten to leave, never threaten divorce, unless you truly mean it. Then presenting your need should be done in an adult way - seriously, respectfully, with care for your partner's potentially angry, defensive, or sad response.
Here are examples of individuals who threatened their spouse in order to get their attention and to provoke a change of behavior or, failing that, a fight that might indicate their spouse's love. Instead, their tactic backfired and got them just what they did not want. Their partner became more withdrawn.
Anna and John have been married for six years. She is in her early thirties, and he is pushing forty. Anna wanted a bigger home and to start a family. John appeared content with their very busy life of work and socializing with a group of friends, He is a strong, silent type; Anna craves more verbal and emotional connection. She's discontent with their Roommate Style:
After a while I just didn't know how to reach John, He'd simply mumble or put me off when I wanted to talk about a new house or trying to get pregnant. He is a master at avoiding, Instead of creating conflict, he tried to humor me. But I was getting furious and started to say things like, "Maybe you never wanted kids and I do. Maybe this marriage won't work after all. You lied to me about having a family." I started to yell at him frequently, and he withdrew. I really didn't want to end our marriage. His silence still bugs me, but I love so many other things about him, I just want him to talk to me. I learned through Relighting Romance Partnering how damaging these threats can be. We finally got help and learned to talk more openly. And I discovered through our talks how afraid he was that I would really leave.
Another example of "crying wolf" threatening their relationship is Henry and Sarah. Henry is an active guy. Becoming a father with family obligations was challenging for him. He felt Sarah didn't divide her time well between him and their one-year-old, Henry described that instead of talking to her, he'd tell Sarah,
Maybe I'm just not cut out for parenthood. We never go out anymore. You seem totally content with whatever Danny needs - and I get frustrated. Maybe we're not meant to be together. Getting Love Back In Marriage
Sarah ended up sad and frustrated with Henry's summation of their marriage. To protect herself she withdrew even further and gave even more attention to their child. In her mind, she began to prepare for the possibility that Henry might leave someday. As a result, Henry became more frustrated with her withdrawal and passivity in the relationship until it all came to a head and the truth about their feelings came out in an initial session in my office. As Henry related,
Here I thought I was trying to tell her I wanted more time with her - not to take away from our child, whom I love - but to let her know I loved lots of the things we used to do. and the joy she brings me when we are doing more things together, I guess I chose a pretty lousy way of expressing it.
Sarah finally told me she was even thinking about where she and Danny could live, how she'd manage financially, while at the same time she was hoping I'd wake up to what a good thing we had going. That's when we finally got some help to communicate better. I could have lost Sarah and Danny if I had kept saying those threatening things - when all I wanted was to be closer again.
Often when partners threaten to walk out of a relationship, or to divorce, they are "crying wolf." They have thought about ending the relationship in passing, perhaps, but their intention in airing this thought is to get closer to their partner or simply to elicit a reaction or attention from their mate. On the other hand, it could mean that they have seriously thought about ending the relationship. No matter your intention, telling your partner that you want to leave the relationship damages trust. Even if intellectually they know you don't really mean it, it will set up a negative pattern between you - getting you exactly what you don't want.
Next post, we'll explore more alternatives how you can interact with your partner. If you are interested to repair your relationship, you have to get Getting Love Back In Marriage right away!
