I've asked you to stand still and to practice some new behaviors that will be more constructive. You've been introduced to the idea of putting your issues and desires on your partnering table rather than between you. As you use your partnering table later, you will reflect on your readiness to give up your own way and instead create win/win solutions together.
This is the final aspect of Step 7: embracing the win/win mindset that is necessary for coming to mutually satisfying solutions to your differences or disagreements. You will practice this win/win mindset as you progress through all 10 Steps; this is a preview of the mindset Relighting Romance Partners remember and practice all of the time.
Working together for win/wins is the mark of a true partnership. Win/ wins cannot happen when you put issues between you and blame, criticize, or demand. Win/wins also do not exist when there is too much compromising. When individuals over-compromise or shortchange themselves by abandoning their desires, they become resentful. Their identities and sense of self-worth are damaged.
In Relighting Romance Partnering there is no need to settle for less, because ,nothing goes into the Our World circle until you both fully agree to it. Some discussions are quick and easy; others may take days, weeks, or months to arrive at win/win decisions. If you are not reaching an agreement, then you may set the discussion aside for a while. Later you may revisit the topic, building on previous discussions until you have creatively and mutually arrived at a decision together. Signs Ex Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together
In most relationships, minor differences of opinion or needs are easy to negotiate, with agreements going into the Our World circle. For example, take Mary and Tom's dinnertime discussion:
Mary. "Gee, honey, where shall we eat tonight? I think I'd like fish."
Tom: "Actually, I feel more like steak."
Mary: "Oh, you want steak? Well, what would you think about the surf-and-turf over at Clearwater Cafe?" If Tom doesn't want to go to the Clearwater Cafe, he might agree to have fish at another fish restaurant, because what he has to eat isn't really that important - he's just hungry. And, he's willing to wait until tomorrow night to grill steaks at home. He may also choose the good feeling he gets by pleasing his wife.
When it comes to topics with larger consequences, it is not good to compromise or settle too quickly. The following examples represent some topics that were complex and required time for each couple to arrive at solutions that would be satisfying to both partners. It required they keep the topic "on the table" and maintain a win/win mindset, while they listened for understanding and then creatively problem solved, as you will learn to do in the coming posts.
Jo Ellen and Bradley struggled for months over Jo Ellen's dislike of Bradley's mother. This problem had an impact on holidays and time spent with her family versus his family. It also forced them to keep their in-laws on the table, so Jo Ellen was not disrespectful of Bradley still loving and caring about his mother, even though she did have irritating behaviors.
Blended families are always challenging. Tammy thought she knew this when she married Calvin, but his teenaged son's disrespect for household rules and their new relationship nearly broke them up. When they learned to put parenting on their partnering table and to come together around how to parent, this couple felt successful once again.
Another example is Heather, a savvy woman in her mid-thirties, recently married to Steve who is twelve years her senior. Heather really wanted a baby and was concerned that her age and health problems could affect conception.
Steve also wanted a baby but was less tuned in to the biological clock. He thwarted deeper discussions, which made Heather angry. As they practiced partnering and put this and many other complicated issues on their partnering table, they were able to talk about the joys and difficulties they both anticipated in starting their family. Signs Ex Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together
Notice When You Polarize Versus When You Come Together
When you communicate with your partner, make a note of each time you find yourself pointing out differences, being negative about an idea, or taking an oppositional viewpoint. Write your observations in your notebook. Ask yourself, "What purpose do these polarizing comments serve for me? How can I break this habit? What do I need to do to better connect with my partner when we talk?"
Practice Coming Together
As you raise your individual awareness of any polarizing behavior or negativity, consciously practice focusing your conversations on the ways in which you are similar or in agreement. Notice these especially during your regular talking times or in dialogue about your mutual goals.
Then, during one of your regular talking times, take turns describing what you have each noticed about the quality of your communication and how each of you is working to improve it. Be sure to show your appreciation for any progress you see the two of you making.
Hope this post has benefited you. If you are interested to learn more, you can check out Signs Ex Boyfriend Wants To Get Back Together.
