Different Approaches to Conflict and What Works
Fighting, arguing, and disagreeing (some people call any type of disagreement a fight, even silence or withdrawing) are normal in any relationship. It's not problematic to disagree or argue as long as you keep many more posture interactions and feelings flowing, as you learned in Step 1: Increase the Positive Between You. Long-term, ongoing, out-and-out fighting in which nothing is resolved or couples make threats is very damaging to any relationship,
The same is true of relationship in which there is a lack of conflict and disagreements are pushed under the rug - to be tripped over later, The research on long-term couples is conclusive about two aspects of conflict, disagreement, and fighting:
- Couples need safe and mutual ground rules for disagreements or fights. Such rules allow them to share their different points of view and be listened to and understood by their partner, even if their partner doesn't share the same point of view.
- Coming to resolution creates greater contentment and longevity. Feeling competent in resolving differences, disagreements, or fights strengthens a relationship, be it agreeing to take turns ("I'll have sex your way today, and you do it my way next week; I'll visit your relatives this month, and you visit my relatives at the holiday."), agreeing to disagree ("I see you can't stand these friends of mine, so I'll see them on my own, and neither of us will expect you to ever like them or get together with them."), or agreeing to choose an alternative neither would have chosen on his or her own ("You want a vacation on the beach and I want a vacation in New York City, so we'll go somewhere neither of us would have imagined - biking from inn to inn in the Pacific Northwest."). How To Get Your Relationship Back On Track After A Break Up
- argue heatedly, then "kiss and make up";
- talk everything through calmly, never seeming to disagree or argue;
- have two different styles of fighting or disagreeing and often end up hurt, angry, and with issues left unresolved until they learn a mutual way to resolve their disagreements.
The Connected Fighters Who "Kiss and Make Up"
Wally and Bette are an example of couples that argue heatedly, then kiss and make up. Wally and Bette have been married for more than twenty-six years. They met in high school, married in their early twenties, and have successfully raised four children, who are now ages eighteen to twenty-five.
While their house may be a bit on the messy side - with dogs, cats, and art and work projects in every room - there is a palpable warmth, generosity of heart, and playfulness that is contagious when you are around this ebullient couple and their highly interactive family. When asked how they have managed to build such a solid relationship, Bette and Wally share what they feel is a key ingredient.
Bette said "We were drawn to each other right from the start," and Wally added, "I loved her energy, lack of self-consciousness, and ability to have a good time even when doing serious things. We're both like that."
However, things don't always run smoothly. Bette continued, laughing heartily,
That part of our relationship has been one-half of the equation. And the other half is that we fight! That's right, we fight. Good old out-and-out loud voices, lots of opinions, both having our total say - maybe nobody listening.
Wally agreed,
It's all but the kitchen sink. The kids know enough to get out of Mom and Dad's way and mind their own business. It's all but throwing pots and pans around here for a few minutes. But then it's over. Things get real quiet for a half hour or so, and then she gets real sweet to me. How To Get Your Relationship Back On Track After A Break Up
Bette chuckled, taking the bait playfully.
You're right. I like a good row, but then I love to kiss and make up. He doesn't do so bad himself!
Bette and Wally exemplify the couple that fights, comes to resolution, and then kisses and makes up. If both you and your partner handle conflict this way, it might work for you most of the time. It will work if you maintain the 5-to-1 positive-to-negative ratio and you fight fairly or respectfully. Wally and Bette learned to do this using the 10 Steps. As Wally explained,
When the kids were little, we fought and made up the same way, only we were more hurtful in what we said. We didn't even remember the words, but one of our eldest kids Mickie did, and he asked if we were going to get a divorce or something bad. We realized we had to be careful or the kids would get the wrong impression.
Bette clarified,
We didn't want them to be afraid, because we knew there was no way we were going to split up. We're just noisy people! What worked, and what we've continued to use, are the Relighting Romance skills. I think we had three coaching sessions and it's worked ever since.
Wally and Bette then explained which Relighting Romance skills they use to this day - and every day - to balance their loud and boisterous style of conflict. Said Wally,
I think about the rules for fighting almost every day. First, we stopped saying hurtful things and stopped swearing at each other when we were yelling. Then, we naturally kiss and make up and get back to our usual interaction - which is darn fun most of the time. If ever one of us is down, we may just give a bit more than normal and usually we bounce right back. We naturally do lots of nice things for each another and that is the key. We are stuck to each other. What we've got going is like glue. Nobody's going anywhere.
Bette went on,
We explained that to Mickie and the other kids. Now they just roll their eyes and know we'll get over it whenever we start to argue. They trust that we are a family. They see us fight, but they also see lots of kisses, hugs, banter, and loving between us. They know we are solid, and so are they.
Wally added a final note:
Yeah, the kids also have developed this style of arguing then making up - not surprising with us as parents! All of them have agreed, at one time or another that they'd rather grow up in a lively household like ours than in a quiet home where you can't tell if people really love each other.
Hope you've learned something from Wally and Bette and use their "argument methods" to move forward. To learn more, you can get How To Get Your Relationship Back On Track After A Break Up and learn more tricks from there right away!
