Cheryl's situation provides an example of how we create distractions that keep us from what's truly important. Thirty-four, a businesswoman and mother who has been married nine years, Cheryl had a habit of overspending that greatly interfered with her relationship. She admitted that she had a shopping addiction, that she would spend money to fill emotional requirements.
When she was lonely or bored, she would buy toys for her young daughters when they did not need them. Her closet was filled with clothing that still had price tags on because she had too much to wear. She had purchased the items when she felt a little down or anxious. She had many ways of rationalizing her purchases grid convinced herself that she and the kids deserved them, but she had lost the trust of her husband and felt ashamed. She overspent at department stores each month, racking up credit-card debt.
Cheryl had started counseling and had attended Spenders Anonymous meetings a few times but had not followed through on her commitment. When she and her husband, Jim, agreed to save for a bigger home for themselves and their two small children, Cheryl finally faced her priorities head on. Through individual counseling and then learning Relighting Romance skills with Jim, she reassessed her values and priorities and fully committed to her relationship and the goals she and Jim desired.
This meant learning to not overspend. While resolving her spending addiction was very challenging for her, Cheryl sought ways to find internal happiness rather than distracting herself with external objects. She replaced time shopping after work with going to the gym with her friends while Jim picked the girls up from day care. She reconnected with her mother and talked about the origins of some of her anxieties, and these lessened. Get Trust Back Relationship
She and Jim talked about her loneliness and her need to reconnect with him and scheduled a date night at least once each week. They revitalized their affectionate behavior toward each other. Jim and Cheryl's mutual agreement about their financial priorities, and Cheryl's decision to face her internal priorities, helped her change her behavior - from spending to saving - so that it was aligned with the couple's desire for a new home. Today they have their new home, healthy preteen daughters, and a strong, committed Relighting Romance Partnership.
Martin's work environment challenged his relationship commitment. Married for thirty-seven years, he was a highly successful attorney, ran in a protessional circle, and worked in an office in which men turned a blind eye to their colleagues' affairs. Family life was undermined by his expensive business trips, working late at the office, or having dinner with casual female friends. Alcohol was always a part of these gatherings.
Martin's wife, Mary, was committed to him and their two young children, yet he rationalized his extracurricular activities by pointing to the changes that marriage presented him. When they met, Mary had been athletic and active, but over the years, she had developed a chronic case of asthma that sometimes limited her activities. This change did not fit Martin's expectations of their relationship. He had not accepted or adjusted to fatherhood nor had he relinquished his bachelor way of life. He also worried that his professional life might suffer if he avoided the established carousing culture within his company.
When he came to see me, Martin was terribly unhappy and filled with anxieties he hid from his wife. He knew something was awry about his entire life, and he feared losing both his family and his job if he did not take stock of what he truly wanted. He had no idea of how to do this on his own.
Martin faced some intial hard work individually in order to align his life with his core values. To feel more grounded at home, he stopped fighting with Mary and started the Relighting Romance Partnering Steps 1 and 2 by increasing the positives and talking regularly. Then he reevaluated his life and privately renewed his commitment to their relationship while he sorted out his confusion. This commitment helped him refocus his life at home and at work, After much soul searching, Martin decided to reorganize his work llfe to reflect values he thought he wanted to follow at this stage of his life. Get Trust Back Relationship
He realized that he had spent enough years having the freedom and fun of a bachelor. He had chosen to marry, have children, and enter into family life. Now he wanted to learn how to fully participate in and enjoy this choice.
He was already very successful in his career. Enlisting the support of his businessman father, his wife, and a few close friends, Martin sought feedback on how to make the change he needed within his current company. He went over his boss's head and was able to work under a new supervisor with more stable values. As Martin and Mary continued to talk and strengthen their partnering commitment, Martin discovered things to do with his free time and recommitted time to his family.
While he had always been a man with seemingly inexhaustible energy, once he aligned his values with his day-to-day life, Martin found that the lack of anxiety and guilt resulted in even more energy. He channeled this energy into the things he wanted now and in his future. He grew to appreciate more deeply what he had built in his life, and he found healthier ways of letting off steam and playing, He and Mary partnered on creating a new relationship, one that supported their individuals needs and also reflected their more mature relationship.
In both of these situations, a number of options presented themselves, and various paths could have been taken, While making skillful choices can be confusing, when we reflect on our priorities and realign our life choices to reflect the core commitments we embrace, we can make decisions that create inner peace and are in sync with our Relighting Romance Partnership.
While extended family, friends, bosses, and coworkers may challenge your decisions - because it may mean less time at the golf course, the shopping mall, the office, family events, or social functions - those who truly care about you will respect, even admire and support, that you are striving to reflect your mutual values and strengthen your relationship. If they truly care about you, they will work to find ways to be with you that align with your time and availability.
Next, we'll talk about threatening a relationship and how harmful is it. At mean time, if you sincerely want to win back your relationship, you have to get Get Trust Back Relationship right now!
