Let's look at another couple with a totally opposite style of dealing with conflict: You may recognize yourself as you listen to Ned and Arlyce who never yell or holler. They represent the couple that both talk calmly during a disagreement. Don't be fooled. This does not mean that calm, quiet types don't have issues - sometimes they just go quietly under the rug! Ned and Arlyce scored themselves as 50 percent Traditional-Merged, and 50 percent Relighting Romance Partnering when they first came in for counseling. I had to ask if they ever fought or disagreed. Arlyce acknowledged,
Ned agreed,
We just aren't the kind of people who get very loud or angry when we disagree. I think our families influenced us both. Both sets of parents really respect ooe another's points of view and have serious debates about religion, philosophy; and polities, even the weather! It was the way we had family discussions at the dinner table almost every night. Proven Method Ways To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back
Arlyee informed me,
We even met in college debate class. We simply discuss things, talk until we both have been listened to, and then move on. I know some couples might find it tedious to talk as much as we do, but we both enjoy, lots of verbal interaction. It is intellectually stimulating and it makes the two of us feel dose.
Ned concluded, with a nod and a chuckle,
I know Arlyce really loves me because she listens to everything I have to say and I have a lot to say! I try to do the same for her. Not many other women would be so interested in all my thoughts - magnificent or irrelevant!
On the other hand, behind this calmer style of conflict, in which voices are never raised and both partners listen to the others' words, there were issues they had simply avoided and that were left unresolved. They gradually admitted that even their style of discussion did not encourage them to always say what they thought, felt, or wanted about topics like their waning sex life or how they needed to shift their finances to prepare for retirement.
They knew they needed to become better partners and face some of these issues together and quickly learned to apply their calm style of disagreeing to these issues. As they shared their thoughts and feelings about sex and money, it became apparent they could no longer act so Traditional, and they became less Merged. They continue to develop their Relighting Romance Partnership, visiting with me very infrequently when they find themselves avoiding any issue.
The Mixed Contenders
Now let's turn to a relationship in which each partner has a different way of dealing with conflict. Darla and Isaiah have been together for six years. This is how Isaiah described their different styles: Proven Method Ways To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back
I love her, but I'm getting worn down. Darla is always on my case. It seems like everything becomes a big issue, and she has to talk about it. After a while, I just tune her out. I don't want to. It wasn't like this before we moved in together. I made her happy back then, I guess.
Darla sputtered, trying to explain her side of the story to me - almost in tears - with anger brimming under her words:
You used to listen to me, or so I thought. Now, you walk out of the room! You won't talk to me! I get so frustrated. If only he knew that if we just talked about it we could easily clear the air and I'd be happy. I know It seems like I'm always upset with him about something - but it's because he won't talk to me! If he talked we'd get over It quickly. I just know we would.
Isaiah retorted quietly,
I can't help it. If you'd just calm down, maybe I could think. Did it ever occur to you that I'd come talk to you? But my mind goes blank. I end up feeling stupid and belittled by you. I saw my morn treat my dad that way. It took me a long time to realize she was just as frustrated as my dad was when he would roll his eyes and walk away fi-om her. I guess maybe my morn and Darla are both hurting, but I can't stand the yelling and don't know how to get her to calm down.
Darla and Isaiah were both hurting. They had everyday issues they disagreed about and could not resolve because they could not talk about them in an effective way. On top of that, they felt alienated and angry at each other's way of dealing with conflict. The longer this went on, the more they both felt misunderstood and unloved.
If you have differing styles of fighting or disagreeing, you probably aren't able to effectively resolve your conflicts. If this is the case for you and your partner, the two of you will need to learn a safe and mutually agreed upon style for resolving conflicts.
Darla and Isaiah are a common and classic example of a couple in which one person avoids conflict and the other person appears to seek engagement or conflict. When you mix these two styles of dealing with conflict, it can seem like trying to mix oil and water.
We'll continue the story in our next post. Do find out how Darla and Isaiah solve their relationship problem. At mean time, you can get more information by getting Proven Method Ways To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back.
