Partnering Is a Joint Effort
In Relighting Romance, the two of you are teammates, even when you are in disagreement, You are willing to work toward perceiving your partner as your teammate, not your adversary. You remember that your individuality and needs are safeguarded in the 10 Steps of the Relighting Romance. Therefore, you can always consider both your personal needs and those of your relationship without being afraid that you will lose out.
When balancing individual and partnership needs, some people are too rigidly individualistic and others are wishy-washy, giving in too easily and always wanting to be liked, loved, or perceived as good or wanted. Sometimes we say yes or no too quickly and don't benefit from adding another point of view to the discussion. We also live in a world riddled with subtle everyday polarization. It is a world of us versus them. Often we feel that there won't be enough to go around - enough pieces of the pie, enough money, enough love, enough time, enough recognition, enough abundance to fulfill and sustain all aspects of our lives. So we think that we are involved in a battle, forgetting the bonds that tie us together as human beings.
It takes two mature people to stay out of the tug-of-war game that is so prevalent in relationships. It may take more time to listen carefully to each other and come to an agreement that considers both parties and meets both of your needs. However, taking time is certainly better than taking an adversarial stance. To help you keep an inclusive, openhearted attitude, especially in times of stress, surround yourself with friends and relationships that are also inclusive. Getting Back Together After Years Apart
Nourish each other with high positive interactions (Step 1). Consistently talk and listen to each other (Step 2). Build the muscles of a healthy Adult Self and do something nice for yourself (Step 3). Remain fully committed to each other (Step 4). Then, when you become aware of a difference between you and your partner, treating each other as teammates rather than as enemies, as friends rather than as foes, will be easier. You will be able to listen for understanding and work toward resolution from a more inclusive and loving perspective.
Pull Your Weight into the Partnership, No Matter What Your Partner Is Doing
When learning new ways to improve a relationship, it is helpful if both partners implement the necessary changes all of the time. However, from time to time we all succumb to behaviors that thwart change and prevent partnering. Let me describe a few of these behaviors, and see if you recognize them in yourselves.
I'm sure you have heard the old phrase, "tit for tat." Many couples fall into this trap of retaliating for an alleged wrongdoing, of judging the other person!s behavior before considering their own, of blaming their mate and waiting for them to change. The rationale in tit for tat is that, "They really are to blame, so I won't do anything to improve the situation until they do." Typically, this leads to a stalemate, because both parties are looking for the other person to change first.
Another phrase you will recognize is, "We are only human." When we say this, the usual implication is that we know we didn't follow through on a promise or resolution, but we can't really do anything about it; after all, "We're only human." We're aware that we let others or ourselves down, but we use the excuse that everyone makes mistakes - and we fail to consider what we might do next time to prevent making the same blunder.
For some couples, such attitudes and behaviors are especially common in times of stress, transition, or learning new ways to behave. For some couples, they are daily bad habits.
As you begin practicing Relighting Romance, be prepared for those times when you will fall off the wagon. One of you is going to have a bad day or a tough week. Under stress, someone is going to forget to experiment with the new behaviors and approaches to partnering. It is a given. No matter how hard we try to be perfect, it is just not possible.
Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, fellow marriage educators and authors of Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment, describe the best remedy for such common relationship pitfalls. The Hendrieks assign each person in the relationship 100-percent responsibility for doing his or her part, This is not a 50-50 relationship, it is a 200-percent interaction. Getting Back Together After Years Apart
If we refer back to the parent/adult/child model, 100-percent responsibility means staying adult even when your partner is letting the Wounded Child run amok. It means staying adult when your partner is in the Critical Parent Self, blaming you for something you may or may not have done. You have full responsibility for applying the 10 Steps of Relighting Romance to your relationship all of the time, even when your partner isn't.
Becoming Impeccable
Another way of thinking about pulling your weight in Relighting Romance is continuing to do your part, no matter what anyone else is doing. I call this impeccable behavior. Impeccable behavior implies that you do what is correct in any given situation, even if you don't want to or if the going gets tough. It means putting the 10 Steps of the partnership first - keeping the Relighting Romance in mind and minimizing day-to-day bad habits. This perspective is even more important to remember when you are not in a good mood, you have had a bad day, or you and your partner are working through some difficult issues or differences.
If your partner is under stress, you might sometimes be alone in your practice of these essentials for a short while. Try to remain consistent, impeccable, inclusive, and openhearted. Usually your partner will rejoin you. To learn more about improving your romance, you can find more resources at Getting Back Together After Years Apart.
