How Time-Outs Can Be Helpful
Let's refer back to Darla and Isaiah (previous post) and the common scenario in which one person is more verbose, maybe more explosive, and more insistent on his or her need for communication while the other person tends to shut down, become a brick wall or tongue-tied, or even walk out of the room when the partner is talking.
Fight or Flight
The fight-or-flight response is an instinctual response left over from prehistoric days when our survival was dependent on our ability to run from disaster or overcome the threat through fighting. Built into each of our bodies is a tendency to do one or the other in the face of anything we feel is a threat. Now our response may be more exaggerated than the circumstance warrants, on the other hand, because this is an instinctual response, most often we cannot stop its onset right away.
The fact that you or your partner has an instinct to flee the scene or feels threatened and has an instinct to fight back is no one's fault. It is important you both learn to how to step back, let the feelings of threat subside, and then come together in a calmer way.
Research has found that many men go into a fight-or-flight response in the face of certain kinds of communication. Using bodily measures such as electrodes, researchers have shown that some men actually become emotionally "flooded" - that is, they are not able to think. They sweat. Their hearts beat faster. They freeze or they want to run.
Sometimes they fight back by verbally exploding in order to push the threatening situation or person away. While the researchers did not study this response pattern in women, I have noted this same fight-or-flight reaction in some women whose mates are more verbally aggressive and insistent. Best Way Tips To Get Back Together
Melody, for example, reported the following,
I don't want to shut down, but Arnie's such a big guy, he has such big energy, and when he is upset about something he just talks and talks - at me. I get confused. I feel like he's right about some things, but I just can't think. I can't even respond, and that makes him even more upset. I end up physically drained and sometimes very depressed.
In the case of the previous couple, Darla and Isaiah, and the current couple, Melody and Arnie, the verbal partner needs to know the other partner does not shut down by choice. Rather, it is the body's instinctual response - a remnant from the times when we needed to physically flee from or fight back against threats to our very existence!
That you or your partner has an instinct to flee the scene or feels threatened and has an instinct to fight back is no one's fault. On the other hand, if you are the more verbose, excitable, verbally insistent, or aggressive partner, you will not get what you want - you will not get your needs met - if you continue to use this approach with this particular type of mate.
If you are the one who flees or fights back when you feel pushed into a corner, you, too, are not getting your needs met. Your style is also ineffective. We all blow it once in awhile. We all get emotionally overloaded from time to time. Rather than judging your partner or yourself, it is important to keep focusing on how you can help yourselves to become more effective communicators and partners.
When you are emotionally overloaded or heated, if you sense your Child Self or Critical Parent Self emerge, take a time-out. It is important to calm down and clear your mind. Then you can start afresh and communicate in a way that makes you feel effective and proud of both yourself and your partner.
How To Take a Time-Out
Taking a time-out should to be OK in any relationship, but especially if you are building a rock-solid and successful Relighting Romance Partnership. Sometimes you require space. At times, you want to think. Occasionally, there is something else you need to attend to before you can work on resolving a problem with your partner. Sometimes you are shutting down and can't hear clearly or respond with grace and dignity. At others, one of you is talking too loudly, too emotionally, and ought to put the brake on - to step back and take a big, deep breath.
To have effective communication in stressful times, the time-out rules are as follow:
- If you feel you are verbally out of control or are shutting down and retreating, you are responsible for saying, "I need a time-out."
- Both partners must automatically agree to the other's need for a time-out - no questions asked, no further statements - even if doing so is frustrating.
- The person taking the time-out must come back to the discussion when he or she has agreed to and when both partners are calmer. Best Way Tips To Get Back Together
- won't give chase and demand to talk immediately;
- will come back and resume the conversation or resolve the issue when he or she feels calmer. The person taking the time-out must eventually resume the discussion and, if possible, say when a good time to talk will be. For example, "Honey, I am shutting down and need a time-out now, but I really want to talk about this. I need to go walk around the block. Let's talk about this... in an hour... this afternoon... tonight after the kids are in bed... tomorrow evening when I'm more rested."
Taking a time-out also allows partners to drop petty disagreements that arise. Sometimes, by the time they have resumed the discussion, neither can remember what they were fighting about. Occasionally, they have thought it through and can easily resolve the issue if it is small. When issues are complex or heated, I recommend holding off until both partners are calm.
At that point they are ready to use the Intentional Dialogue technique you will learn in Step 9.
Healthy resolution is acquired when partners
- stop the arguments and fights that have not been working;
- follow basic respectful communication guidelines outlined;
- use time-outs as an effective means of stopping behavior that inhibits communication, such as shutting down or talking too heatedly;
- become trustworthy and accountable for resuming a discussion no matter which one initiated the time-out;
- agree to learn a mutual approach to conflict resolution (just as you will in the steps to come).
