Put Your Issues on the Table So They Don't Come Between You
When couples have troubles, they typically do a lot of blaming and finger pointing. Each partner has the unconscious expectation that if their partner changed, everything would be fine in their relationship.
While there may be some element of truth when one person wants their partner to change, typically they are
- blaming their partner and creating a fight or pushing him or her away;
- not taking responsibility for their part in the problematic communication;
- not viewing the issues as a joint venture to be dealt with together.
In next few posts, while exploring Relighting Romance Step 7: Put Your Issues on the Table so They Don't Come Between You, you will
- learn the concept of "standing still" to stop old behaviors that aren't working;
- practice replacing your old behaviors with new ones by coming together versus taking sides;
- place your issues on your "partnering table" so they do not come between you;
- reflect on your willingness to come up with solutions that satisfy both of you - the win/win perspective.
Earlier you agreed to discontinue fighting in the old way while you read this blog. You adopted a partnering perspective, renewed your connection, and learned to talk and listen again. Things Say Get Your Girlfriend Back
All couples have disagreements and differences. All relationships experience problems. You cannot keep your problems or issues tucked away on a list. That was just for a time. Now it is time to learn and practice the proven ways that help partners to not only resolve conflicts together, but also to reach for their dreams together. Steps 7-10 will give you the mindset and the tools to clear up the problems on your lists and to work toward your goals together.
Stand Still and Be Open To Change
In order to create change or a new way of relating to each other, in order to resolve the previously unresolved issues on your relationship table, you must stop using your old pattern. It's not working! Patterns are like habits. Some habits can be good, such as brushing your teeth or making your bed regularly. Some habits are simply not helpful, such as fights between you or seeing your partner as your enemy.
The good news is that both positive and negative habits are formed rather quickly. A habit is just a rut or a mental groove you are stuck in. For example, it's now common knowledge that it takes a mere twenty-one to thirty days to develop a new eating or exercise habit. You've already proven through your work how it only takes a little while to increase your positive-to-negative ratio and to talk and listen regularly. The same is true for repetitive negative interactions between you.
If you are in a negative rut of bickering, fighting, or cold war silence, know that you can change this pattern in a short time. I'm going to show you how in the next few posts. First, you must stop what you are doing that is causing you to be stuck. You do this by what I call standing still and, eventually, by trying something new.
Do not fight meant biting your tongue or walking away to focus on controlling your own negative responses. You probably needed that back in Step 1 as you started this program. Standing still is more advanced. It is an opportunity to reflect on your deeper intention (Do I really want to lash out and be cutting and sarcastic? Do I really think this man I've been married to for nine years is a jerk? Do I really want to hurt her feelings?) and pave ways for change, for new interactions (Maybe I could say "That made me feel like you don't care," rather than lashing out. Maybe I can remind him about the family birthday this weekend rather than assuming he's a selfish jerk. Maybe I can slow down and listen again because I know my ignoring her hurts her.) Your old ways keep you apart. Standing still opens the way for understanding and to come closer again. Things Say Get Your Girlfriend Back
Finances are one example of an important and often difficult issue for many partners to resolve. Richard and Katherine had many discussions, over the course of many months, regarding how to manage both individual and family finances. They've been together for two years and are engaged, with the wedding one year off. Paying for their wedding is a mutual goal for both Richard and Katherine but coming up with win/win ways of accomplishing this was a problem.
Both Richard and Katherine had their individual ways of managing money, with Katherine being the one who held the purse strings closed, checking account balances daily and enjoying keeping five or six different savings accounts for everything from the wedding to vacation plans to holiday-gift savings. She was frustrated with Richard's more easy-going approach.
As Richard and Katherine worked toward becoming Relighting Romance Partners for life, they frequenfly squabbled; she blamed and criticized Richard, and he became sarcastic about her tight-fisted approach. For a number of months, they bickered constantly, not only about the wedding savings, but also about everything. Finally, they decided they needed to put their issues on the table and develop win/win solutions together.
Interested to know their approach? You have to read my next post. Remember, if you want to further or even save your relationship, you have to get Things Say Get Your Girlfriend Back!
