This is the follow up from the previous post.
A regular complaint among couples like Darla and Isaiah is that one spouse is more verbose, explosive, or needs to talk a problem through "right now," while the other spouse leaves the room or grows as silent as a brick wall. If the more verbally aggressive partner goes on for too long, sometimes the quieter person explodes.
Such a response can lead to more verbal assaults on the part of the aggressive partner; or it may result in the quieter partner having an uncharacteristic rageful outburst to get the needed "space" by causing the verbal partner to go away hurt and confused. Couples like this often end up in stalemate. Disagreements pile up--unresolved.
If this kind of interaction goes on for too long, issues hang heavy around their relationship, like threatening dark clouds. As Dr. John Gottman's research would note, these couples are more likely to break up, especially because the positive interactions often do not outweigh the negative.
Darla and Isaiah were skeptical that any kind of intervention would help their relationship, but they were anxious to try something new. Isaiah said,
I just don't want to throw away the last six years and then find out we could have fixed it. I know there must be things we both can learn to change.
Darla agreed,
Even if we do break up or never get married, at least we'll know why. At least, that's what I'm hoping for. Will Me And My Boyfriend Get Back Together
In relationships like Darla and Isaiah's, issues go unresolved for months or even years, yet the couple continues to use the rune old style of arguing. When they. want to learn how to partner, the first requirement is that they agree to stop fighting - just like you have been instructed to do. This gives you time to nurture the good feelings (Step 1), practice regular talking (Step 2), and implement the other 10 Steps of Relighting Romance Partnering.
You want to be on the same team - more connected - so you can tackle the issues together. Otherwise, you are simply tackling and hurting each other with your blame and disappointment. When couples fight over and over about the same issues, continuing to fight is surely not going to work! The Do Not Fight Pact is for the short term so couples can shore up positive feelings and experiences.
Typically, couples who fight a lot are so worn out and so relieved not to fight anymore that they willingly agree - with the caveat that they will talk about the disagreements, but only when they both feel safe and are able to communicate respectfully.
Darla and Isaiah had been fighting for some time. They agreed to stop fighting while they assessed their relationship style and began to increase the positives between them. Then they spent the next few months implementing all 10 Steps and learning how to handle conflict in a way that was new for both of them, in a way that was safe, effective, and mutually beneficial.
They practiced taking timeouts when a discussion became too heated. They agreed to come back to discuss issues in a mutually calm and respectful way later. Darla learned that, given time and space and with a gender and less angry approach on her part, Isaiah would tell her what was on his mind. She had to slow down. Isaiah had to learn to speed up his response time a bit and risk talking to Darla.
In the beginning, Darla and Isaiah scheduled regular talking time for twenty to thirty minutes every other day. They practiced actively listening to each other, Gradually they used all 10 Steps. As they practiced, they got rid of misunderstandings and assumptions. They each felt more listened to and more loved. Major areas of conflict became mutually workable and they became more creative problem solvers. They still did not agree on everything, but then, no two people do. Instead, they engaged in understanding each other's point of view. How did they feel about making this change? Darla said,
It never occurred to me how much I was assuming about Isaiah's point of view - on everything! I used to listen to him and felt we were pretty similar. Now when I stop to actually listen to him again, I don't always find that we agree on something, but I do feel connected. I've listened with an open heart and without judgment, so I now understand his point of view. And he's listening more to me. I feel understood. It's funny how being listened to is much more important now than having him always agree with me.
Isaiah gave Darla's hand a squeeze. He said jokingly,
I agree. We know that she's not always right! No, seriously, we are just much more respectful. I have learned not to run away from her anger. She still gets upset with me, but I can hear her now. When something bothers one of us, we ask to talk. If we can't do it then, we make a time later. At first it took a much longer time to talk things through. Now that we've cleared the air on the big things, a disagreement may take five or ten minutes to talk through. Will Me And My Boyfriend Get Back Together
Dada added, This leaves us lots more time for the pleasurable things we both enjoy. It's more like when we first met. I think we both have tapped back into the reasons we were drawn together.
Once Darla and Isaiah sorted through the unresolved issues that they categorized as daily details, they went on to envision their Relighting Romance dreams. They put their creativity toward planning their wedding, purchasing a new home, and preparing themselves for the family they both wanted. They continue to use the 10 Steps and especially the Intentional Dialogue (Step 9) when they are in conflict. As their problems subsided, they used all 10 Steps to work toward their dreams together. Darla exclaimed,
To think that we almost broke up six years ago, before we learned Relighting Romance Partnering! Two kids, happy jobs, and a calm home life are our reward.
Isaiah concluded,
I know we have the skills to continue to develop contentment in the coming phases of our life together - as the kids get older and as we get older. It's a good feeling to be successful - not perfect, by any means - but successful, and not only at work, but also with each other and our family.
Just like Darla and Isaiah, once your daily details are running smoothly, you will apply this same Relighting Romance approach to bigger goals and future dreams.
If you were fighting a lot prior to starting this approach, and if you are still in continuous conflict and have not been able to implement Steps 1-5, I encourage you to consider seeking a good therapist, marital counselor, coach, peer mentor, or educator. Such expert guidance will help the two of you sort through your difficulties. Then you will be ready to use all 10 Steps and create the Relighting Romance you desire.
To get further help, you can get Will Me And My Boyfriend Get Back Together and apply the tips right away!
