If you always take opposite points of view or if you are competitive or always polarize, practice replacing this behavior with actions that promote "coming together."
I once assigned a particularly feisty couple the task of carrying squirt guns to remind them to "lay down their arms." They quickly learned to see the humor in how they approached each other as enemies rather than as allies. They had spent enormous amounts of time arguing over who was right and who was to blame. It had not only sucked up all their time and creative energy, but also it had polarized them so they could only see their differences. They guarded their individual turf very well, but they were unable to come together to resolve, build, create, or imagine anything new.
Relationships are not meant to be courtroom battles, war zones, or debate tournaments. Home should be a safe harbor where you can let your hair down, play, and be a little goofy. This behavior rejuvenates you for going back out into the world of work and high expectations - where sometimes battles do have to he fought. When we are competitive in the rest of our lives, learning to soften up when we walk in the front door takes practice. Of course you have differences. That is a given when two unique individuals spend time together.
However, rather than oppose each other, why not actively seek common ground? When you focus on things in which you are similar, rather than in which you differ, you will
- both feel more accepted, listened to, and loved;
- establish an arena - rather than a boxing ring - in which to create what you both want in life.
Luis and Rosa had difficulty coming together. Rosa explained it this way:
We've been together for almost sixteen years. In the past, whenever I came up with an idea, Luis would either tell me about three or four better ideas he'd heard of, or describe all the problems we'd run into if we pursued my idea. As a result, we never went on any trips or took any classes together. It was hard to agree on how to socialize or do anything new. I always felt like he wanted to put a boulder in our path, like he didn't love me or want to support my ideas. I sort of felt like he thought my ideas were stupid.
Luis agreed they were having communication issues. He went on to explain the changes they were making:
Rosa is right. But I also thought she didn't support my ideas either. I would try to add my thoughts to hers when she came up with an idea, thinking it would help, but it never did. Instead, Rosa always felt like I was shooting her ideas down, or trying to promote my own ideas.
When we were introduced to Relighting Romance Partnering, I learned to listen to Rosa first before injecting my suggestions. Once Rosa knew I had heard her, then she was open to hearing my additions. Gradually I realized that my whole family talks the way I used to! You say a thought or idea, and they take it in a million different directions, but never in the direction you had wanted.
They forget to acknowledge your idea so you know you have been heard. Like me, they assume you know they have heard you by simply going on and injecting their thoughts. They don't even realize they are doing it - but nobody's ideas ever come together as a result. Breakups Get Ex Back
As they learned to come together in their conversations, Luis and Rosa found that they resolved everyday problems more quickly and had fun more often.
All Issues Go "On The Table"- Not Between You
Practicing standing still and adding new positive responses to your repertoire helps, but it does not take away those issues that remain unresolved. You may blame your partner for disagreements, differences, or even stressors from outside circumstances. When you blame your partner, you create a wall between you that cuts off your connection and feelings of closeness.
You are no longer on the same team. You cannot work together to arrive at solutions. Putting your disagreements between you polarizes you. It is like being adversaries or enemies - at opposite ends of a tug-of-war rope. It may feel like a brick wall between you. It means you must adopt a new perspective.
Put the issues on the table, so they do not blur or blind your vision or make you forget you are on the same team. Life is stressful enough without blocking out your partner and the lifeline of potential creative problem solving between you.
In Relighting Romance Partnering, all issues, desires, requests, differences, and disagreements go on the table rather than between you. All issues are viewed as simply life circumstances you address together. Then you work toward mutually satisfying solutions together. You can learn more by clicking Breakups Get Ex Back right away!
