In their eight years of marriage, neither Jon nor Sue ever thought they would be the victims of infidelity until it actually happened. They had friends who had been unfaithful to a spouse, but Sue and Jon felt they could never betray each other's trust that way and they believed their moral standards set them apart from those who yield to the temptation of an affair.
Spouses who have not experienced an affair first hand are usually very trusting. They don't believe that infidelity could ever infect their marriage. I often hear, "My spouse could never be unfaithful - she has my utmost trust," and "He has such strong moral convictions that an affair is unthinkable."
When a spouse has an affair, it usually comes as a complete surprise even to him or her. That person often reports, "I had always regarded those who had affairs as selfish, misguided fools with no discipline whatsoever. I could not have imagined having an affair myself."
But infidelity is something that doesn't just happen on afternoon soaps. It happens in most marriages. MOST marriages, you may ask? Yes, unfortunately, most marriages. How To Fall Back In love With Wife
As common as an affair is in marriage, it is always devastating to almost everyone involved. It's one of the most painful experiences that the betrayed spouse will ever be forced to endure, and it is traumatic for the children. Friends and members of the extended family usually suffer as well. But what most people don't realize is that the wayward spouse and the lover are also hurt by the experience. They almost always suffer from acute depression, often with thoughts of suicide. With all of the sadness and suffering, why do so many people have an affair?
The answer is that, for the moment, it seems to be the right thing to do. Men and women are easily carried away by their emotions, making the worst mistakes of their lives.
One would think that at least the people with strong religious convictions and moral commitments would have special protection from extramarital affairs. Yet I have counseled hundreds of people with these convictions who were not able to resist unfaithfulness. Just observing the many religious leaders who have succumbed to the temptation of infidelity proves to me that under certain conditions infidelity is irresistible.
The truth is that infidelity doesn't necessarily develop out of a bankrupt system of moral values. Instead, personal values change to accommodate the affair. What had been inconceivable prior to an affair can actually seem reasonable and even morally right after an affair. Many people who have always believed in being faithful in marriage find that their values do not protect them when they are faced with the temptation of an affair.
It became clear to me early in my counseling experience that affairs were much more common than I had ever imagined. But now, after years of marriage counseling, I have come to realize that almost everyone, given the right conditions, would have an affair. How To Fall Back In love With Wife
Sue's Side of the Story
I never thought I would be unfaithful to Jon. I had always looked at people who had affairs as moral weaklings. But my view has changed. Now I understand how important it is to be with the one you love, even if your friends and family don't approve. And I have a new appreciation for others who have affairs.
I broke my vow of fidelity and feel very guilty about it. Jon wants to work things out and get our marriage back on track, but I would rather die than leave Greg. I now believe my marriage to Jon was a mistake because I did not understand what love really is. I never would have married Jon if I had known Greg first. We will be soul mates for the rest of out lives.
I feel guilty and ashamed of what I have done, and even what I am thinking, but nevertheless my feelings for Greg are powerful and undeniable. I have tried to forget about him but I can't do it. Greg rekindled feelings in me that have been dormant for a long time. l find myself thinking about him often and wish I could always be with him.
Jon is a good man and doesn't deserve what I've done to him. I know he loves me. But l cannot remain married to a man l don't love, even though a divorce would probably be hard on our children. If l were to lose Greg, I would lose my soul and my spirit. He has become a part of me, a part I cannot abandon or ignore. Even if I never see Greg again, he will be in my heart for the rest of my life.
Most unfaithful spouses see an affair as enlightenment. They did not know what they were missing until the affair revealed it to them. In many cases a spouse is feeling depressed and unfulfilled, and the affair changes that. What had been missing in his or her life is found, and it's a wonderful relief. What years of therapy can't achieve is instantly accomplished whenever the lover is present - happiness and fulfillment.
But in some cases, prior to an affair, a spouse is not depressed. Sue, for example, was content with her life. The only sign of her vulnerability was that she no longer felt like making love to her husband. Her passion was gone, leaving a void that Greg willingly filled.
Sue did not develop a friendship with Greg because she wanted him as her lover. She simply needed a friend. And she never intended for their friendship to develop into an affair. She trusted herself to be faithful to Jon. But Greg did such a good job caring for her, that he met her important emotional needs, and she fell in love with him.
What made Sue's relationship with Greg seem so right was that it was unplanned. It just "happened." That's why Sue felt that Greg was meant to be her lover, because she had not done anything to encourage it. They simply found each other and when they did, they each thought they had found their soul mate.
Next post, I'll talk about how Joe feels. At mean time, you can check out How To Fall Back In love With Wife.
