In the initial stages of practicing the Intentional Dialogue, plan to use this technique about once each week for about a month as you apply it to problems you turned into positive goals. In the beginning, set aside an hour for each dialogue so you each get a half-hour as listener and speaker.
Eventually you will mirror, validate, and empathize as a frequent part of your everyday communication. When you reach that point, three situations will need a formal Intentional Dialogue:
1. One Partner Requests a Dialogue
It doesn't matter why. The immediate Relighting Romance response is, "Okay, when shall we schedule a time? I'll be there." No questions asked. No hemming and hawing. If an issue is important to one of you, it is important to the partnership.
2. A Stressful or Problematic Issue Arises That Causes Fighting
This situation will be more easily resolved if you use the Intentional Dialogue the minute you sense a fight beginning. If you are too angry or heated, take a time-out or cool down first. Then agree to use the dialogue when you are both ready to listen. Things To Say To Your Girlfriend To Get Her Back
3. An Exciting Opportunity Arises
When you have exciting life-transition goals, big events, or creative projects you are planning, Intentional Dialogue may help you speed the positive change. Sharing goals and ideas becomes smooth and safe. You can listen to each other calmly.
Some couples use the dialogue frequently on seemingly mundane issues, but when they do, it keeps their relationship flowing more smoothly. Arnold and Beth are such an example. They frequently use the mirroring portion of the Intentional Dialogue technique around scheduling activities for themselves and their four young children. Without it, they run into many snafus due to not listening carefully enough to each other, and their children frequently missed an after school event or dinner with the family!
They stop for five minutes while Arnold repeats back "Okay, so I'm to pick up Annie at school tonight at 4:00 p.m., bring her home for supper, then I'lI take Annie and Joey to hockey practice while you, Sarah, and the baby go grocery shopping. Is that right?"
By mirroring back what his wife has said about the schedule, he clarifies for both of them that he's heard Beth clearly and everyone will get to their correct destination on time!
Beth frequently uses the same technique when she needs to know Arnold's inconsistent travel schedule or when he will be at the office on weekends. Frequent mirroring saves them lots of time and misunderstanding in this very active family.
The Intentional Dialogue is also useful when approaching hot or hurtful topics. It was a pivotal tool for the following two couples as they grappled with the hurt and anger of an emotional affair that could have become explosive and a prickly mother-in-law relationship that could have deteriorated into withdrawal.
Sam and Jessica were trying to rebuild their relationship after an emotional affair. Jessica was feeling unloved by Sam due to his lack of attention. The advances of another man. while she was out with girlfriends one night, led to a series of text, e-mail, and telephone encounters. Physical monogamy was not breached, and the infatuation quickly resolved itself, as both Jessica and the other man were married with kids.
When Jessica decided she needed to be open with Sam about her flirtation if she was going to work on her marriage, Sam was deeply hurt, angry, and self-protective. They found it difficult to talk without exploding or blaming on either side. Things To Say To Your Girlfriend To Get Her Back
After a number of blow ups, the couple agreed to work on the many issues underlying this threat to their connection. Because they loved each other and wanted to make their relationship better and "affair-proof," Sam and Jessica worked hard to become better partners. The Intentional Dialogue became a powerful tool for initially talking through their hurtful and heated emotions regarding the betrayal and the problems that led up to this event.
Then they applied the dialogue to the list of issues that had gone under the rug and made them feel disconnected. As they did so, their relationship became more solid and satisfying for both of them.
The Intentional Dialogue was also significant in Karen and Matt's partnership as they tackled a variety of problems. Married for seven years, one topic that was particularly thorny for Karen was her relationship with Matt's mom whom Karen felt was overbearing. Matt could see that his mom was always imparting advice - making it clear that she knew how to please Matt and Karen did not. Growing up, Matt had learned to tune out his mother's constant meddling. Because he loved both women, he felt helpless not knowing what to do or how to help Karen - or how to stop his morn.
Karen felt abandoned by Matt's passivity in the matter and especially at his withdrawal from any conversation about his mother or her impact on their relationship as a couple. When they learned to listen using the Intentional Dialogue, Karen heard that Matt did understand her quandary.
While giving Karen his attention and listening to her frustrations, Matt also had a turn to clarify that he was not taking his mother's side but rather, he did not know what to do. This dialogue helped them understand each other's position and gave them an opportunity to express empathy. Neither Karen nor Matt wanted his morn to come between them; nor did they want to cut off this important relationship, frustrating as it sometimes was. Dialogue led to feeling more connected - like allies - when they visited Matt's parents even though his mother's behavior did not change.
The Intentional Dialogue can also help you to discuss the dreams and bigger goals you want to pursue as a couple. For example, Vicki and Todd agreed she would go back to graduate school in a year or two. Dialogues helped them to talk through the many alterations they needed to make in their finances, schedules, work life, and even how they managed their chores when Vicki would be going to classes some nights and on weekends.
Steve and Sharon found similar benefits as they discussed their dream of purchasing a sailboat in their later years and spending several months of the year sailing along the southern coast. This was a long-term plan they slowly implemented, working out many details including finances, relationships with two college-aged daughters, managing a home in the Midwest, continuing Steve's real estate company, and downsizing Sharon's position in a small law firm from full time to part time.
Listening for understanding for each of these couples brought up many concerns and initiated many new ideas about how to pursue their dreams.
The Intentional Dialogue takes time and practice to master, but as you can see in the examples above, the benefits are great. First, you will become acquainted with the Intentional Dialogue and its format. Next, you will practice informally. Then, you will practice formally as you apply it to some of your goals that were former unresolved issues or problems between you. If you want to learn more, you have to check out Things To Say To Your Girlfriend To Get Her Back.
