I helped Jon write a letter to Sue explaining what he planned to do during their separation and what she would be required to do to reconcile.
My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my past in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.
I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.
Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul. What To Do During Separation
I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.
As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.
I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.
I love you when we are married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.
With my love,
Jon
Jon delivered the letter to Sue and he also sent a copy to Greg with a note at the bottom saying:
I love Sue with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance.
Sue did not miss talking to Jon, she did not miss his affection, nor did she miss his companionship, because those needs were being met by Greg. But she sure missed his money. At first, she wanted to be completely on her own and she had saved to prepare for her independence. But those savings ran out much faster than she realized, and the money she earned was not nearly enough to pay for the lifestyle she had come to enjoy.
Plan B was designed to help Sue discover that all of her needs could not be met by Greg. To achieve that objective, Jon had to stop meeting those needs for a while and let Greg try to meet them. But plan B was crippled by Sue's counselor, who advised her to return home and kick Jon out. Her attorney also advised her to get a legal separation and a court order for Jon to pay her three thousand dollars a month in child support shortly after she returned home. He was forced by law to meet part of her need for financial support. What To Do During Separation
Still, plan B was helpful to Jon. His separation from Sue protected him from experiencing much of the pain he had tried to endure when they were living together. Money was not the only thing that Jon had provided Sue - he had also provided care and security for her children. While he was at home with his daughters, the girls had hoped that their mother would eventually return to them and that their family would be reunited. But when Sue did return, she forced Jon to leave his girls, something they had not anticipated. They were both very resentful toward Sue for forcing him to leave. They missed their dad terribly and blamed Sue for creating the situation.
Sue now had money and the comfort of her home, but her children, whom she loved dearly, were devastated. They had liked Greg and his boys, but now they resented Greg because their mom was trying to replace their dad with him. It was not a happy homecoming for Sue.
Jon's family and friends were all advising him to divorce Sue. They had a very difficult time understanding what he could possibly hope to achieve by enduring the pain and humiliation that she was inflicting on him. But Jon was determined to try my plan B. And just as plan A had a deadline, Jon and I decided on a deadline for plan B.
Most affairs last less than six months after they are exposed to the light of day. A very few may survive two years of sunlight but that is rare, especially when a betrayed spouse let go and gives the affair a chance to destroy itself. Jon had already agreed to a six-month deadline for plan A, so he added another eighteen months for plan B - a total of two years. If that time had expired without reconciliation, he would have divorced Sue.
But Sue's affair ended just as most affairs end. In some cases, it's the wayward spouse that realizes that the lover cannot offer enough to compensate for the loss of his or her marriage. In other eases, like Sue's, it's the lover that realizes that the wayward spouse is not worth the hassle. When Greg was seeing Sue in secret, their relationship was filled with excitement and anticipation. But when it was out into the open, the problems of real life, and their inability to solve them, torpedoed the fun they had together.
Sue was depressed most of the time, and there was nothing Grog could do to lift her spirits. Her girls became outwardly hostile toward him, and he found his relationship wtth Sue increasingly difficult, No love units were being deposited into her account in his Love Bank and many were being withdrawn. Eventually there were none left. So he began a relationship with another woman who did not have children and ended his relationship with Sue. If he had not ended it, I'm sure that Sue would have eventually ended it herself.
Even so, Sue was devastated when Greg left her. She had given up almost everything to have Greg with her, and now he was gone. She was left with her house, her children, and Jon's financial support. But now there was no one to meet her other emotional needs - no one, that is, but Jon. To follow the story, you can read my next post. At mean time, you can check out What To Do During Separation.
