Angry Outbursts
Jon was very angry with the way Sue had treated him, and Sue was angry too. She felt that all of her problems were Jon's fault. If he had not left her alone so much of the time, she never would have fallen in love with Greg.
Sue and Jon needed to protect each other from their anger. If they didn't, marital recovery would be impossible.
What makes you angry? Anger usually occurs when you feel (a) that someone made you unhappy, and (b) that what they did just wasn't fair. In your angry state, you are convinced that reasoning won't work and that the offender needs to be taught a lesson. Punishment is the answer, you assume.
An angry outburst offers you a simple way to punish the troublemaker. If your spouse is the troublemaker, your anger will urge you to hurt the one you've promised to protect. Anger does not care about your spouse's feelings and is willing to scorch the culprit if it helps even the score.
In the end, you have nothing to gain from an angry outburst. Punishment does not solve marital problems; it only makes your punished spouse want to inflict punishment on you. Your spouse may rise to the challenge and try to destroy you in retaliation. When anger wins, love loses,
Each of us has an arsenal of weapons we use when we're angry. If we think someone deserves to be punished, we unlock the gate and select an appropriate weapon. Sometimes the weapons are verbal (ridicule and sarcasm), sometimes they're devious plots to cause suffering, and sometimes they're physical. But they all have one thing in common: They're intended to hurt people. Since our partner is at such close range, we can use our weapons to hurt him or her the most.
Some of the husbands and wives I've counseled have fairly harmless arsenals, maybe just a few awkward efforts at ridicule. Others are armed to nuclear proportions, actually putting theft spouse's life in danger. The more dangerous your weapons are, the more important it is to control your temper. If you've ever lost your temper in a way that has caused your spouse great pain and suffering, you know that you cannot afford to lose your temper again. You must go to extreme lengths to protect your spouse from yourself.
Remember, in marriage you can be your spouse's greatest source of pleasure, but you can also be your spouse's greatest source of pain, particularly when he or she receives the brunt of your angry outburst.
It was easy for Jon and Sue to begin blaming each other for the nightmare they had experienced because they were both upset with each other. And it was difficult to keep their arsenals of weapons locked up. But by agreeing to avoid angry outbursts, they avoided one of the most dangerous threats to their marital recovery,
Disrespectful Judgment
Jon did a good job controlling his temper but he had more difficulty being respectful to Sue after what she'd put him through. It was all he could do to avoid lecturing her on the consequences of her shortsighted and thoughtless ways. After all, her life was in ruins after the affair was over. If Jon had not graciously come back to her to give their marriage another chance, it would have remained in ruins. Jon wanted to be sure that Sue had learned a lesson from it all.
But Sue didn't feel she had much to learn at all. She felt that it was Jon who had lessons to learn, and no amount of lecturing on his part would have changed her mind. It would have only infuriated her.
Have you ever tried to "straighten out" someone? We're all occasionally tempted to do it, We usually think we're doing that person a big favor, lifting him or her from the darkness of confusion into the light of our superior perspective. If people would only follow our advice, we assume, they could avoid many of life's pitfalls.
But if you ever try to straighten out your spouse, to keep him or her from making mistakes, you are making a much bigger mistake. I call it a disrespectful judgment, and your disrespectful judgment withdraws love units, destroying love.
A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever someone tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on someone else. When a husband tries to force his point of view on his wife, he's just asking for trouble. When a wife assumes that her own views are right and her husband is woefully misguided - and tells him so - she enters a minefield.
Trouble starts when you think you have the right - even the responsibility - to impose your view on your spouse. Almost invariably, he or she will regard such imposition as personally threatening, arrogant, rude, and incredibly disrespectful. That's when you lose love units in your spouse's Love Bank.
When you try to impose your opinions on your spouse, you imply that he or she has poor judgment. That's disrespectful. You may not say this in so many words, but it's the clear message that your spouse hears. If you value your spouse's judgment, you won't be so quick to discard his or her opinions. You will consider the possibility that your spouse may be right and you wrong.
I'm not saying that you can't disagree with your spouse. But you should disagree respectfully. Try to understand your spouse's perspective. Present the information that brought you to your opinion and listen to the information he or she brings. Entertain the possibility of changing your mind, instead of just trying to change your spouse's mind.
You see, each of us brings two things into a marriage - wisdom and foolishness. A marriage thrives when a husband and wife can blend their value systems, with each one's wisdom overriding the other's foolishness. By sharing their ideas and sorting through the pros and cons, a couple can create a belief system superior to what either partner had alone. But unless they approach the task with mutual respect - using respectful persuasion - the process won't work and they'll destroy their love for each other.
Respectful persuasion works like this: You begin by respecting the belief your spouse already has and understanding why your spouse believes it. Then you suggest an alternative belief that you think will be in your spouse's best interest and not just in your own best interest. Finally, if your spouse is willing, you may need to do a test to prove your point. This may allow your spouse to see how useful the alternative belief can be. But in the final analysis, regardless of your evidence, the choice to change beliefs should be completely up to your spouse.
Imagine yourself as a refrigerator salesperson. How should you go about convincing a couple to buy your refrigerator? Would you go to their house, take one look at their refrigerator, and tell them that it's a piece of junk? Would that land you a sale? Not very likely. Instead, you and all your brochures would probably be thrown out of the house.
If you really wanted to make a sale, you would first try to understand your customers' needs. Then, without criticizing their refrigerator, you would explain the benefits of your refrigerator and how it would meet those needs. You would let the couple decide whether the benefits you present would make buying a new refrigerator worthwhile. Then, if they decided to keep their existing refrigerator, you would respect that decision so that some day, when they had a change of heart, the couple might buy their next one from you.
Respectful persuasion doesn't guarantee that you will win over your spouse to your opinion. It does guarantee, however, that you won't alienate him or her with your arrogant tactics.
When Sue asked Jon to come home, she wasn't inviting him to lecture her or to try to straighten her out. She did not want Jon to remind her of the mistakes she had made. She wanted to give their marriage a fresh start and she wanted to be convinced that Jon would help her create a better marriage. So it was important for Jon to understand that he had to avoid anything that Sue would interpret as a disrespectful judgment. To help him out, Sue gladly offered to bring instances of his disrespect to his attention. Whenever she did, he apologized. Sue agreed to do the same when Jon felt she was being disrespectful of him. Next post, I'll talk about selfish demands. Before that, you can check out Learning How To Trust In A Relationship for more details.
