One of the most common clues that an affair is going on is an unfaithful spouse's unwillingness to let the other spouse know about all aspects of his or her life. If a spouse refuses to talk about the events of the day; it may be a sign that a secret second life exists. When an unfaithful spouse makes his or her life a private matter, off-limits to the betrayed spouse's inquiries, the secret second life is difficult to discover.
In an effort to improve honesty and openness, I asked one couple to share with each other their e-mail passwords and access to their voice mail. The husband refused, claiming that everyone should have some privacy in their life. My request was so threatening to him that he stopped meeting with me. I warned his wife, in his presence, that his secrecy could be due to an affair.
To compensate for his unwillingness to continue therapy, he bought his wife flowers on several occasions, made dinner for her, and took her out on a few dates. But eventually, she called to let me know that my hunch was right. She had discovered that her husband was having an affair.
When you stop to think about it, privacy isn't something that improves marriages. It's honesty and openness that improve marriages. The more information you have about each other's thoughts and activities, the easier it is to meet each other's needs and resolve conflicts. Privacy actually blocks access to that important information, and that ultimately leads to marital failure.
As long as Jon was free to ask Sue about every aspect of her life, deception was a full-time job. She had to concoct a story every time she saw Greg, which was very often. As time went on, she realized that it would be much easier to carry on her secret second life if she didn't have to always account for her whereabouts.
She told Jon that one of the reasons she didn't love him as much as she should was because he violated her right to privacy. It's overstepped his boundaries and didn't give her a chance to breathe. She said she would love him much more if he would back off and let her have some privacy, not having to always account for her whereabouts.
Jon didn't buy Sue's argument for privacy. He had already seen evidence of lies, and when she asked for privacy, he suspected that she might be back with Greg.
"l'm Disappointed You Don't Trust Me"
Another way Sue tried to defend her secret second life was to appeal to trust. When Jon raised questions about her suspicious activities, Sue often expressed shock that he could be so distrusting as to even ask these questions. She tried to make it seem as if such questions were incredibly disrespectful. Sue believed that the best defense was a good offense, and so she tried to make Jon feel guilty whenever he asked questions regarding her activities.
One day Jon came right out and asked Sue the obvious question, Are you still seeing Greg?
Sue fired back with shock, anger, sarcasm, and sadness, How can you think that of me after how hard I've worked to get our marriage back together? For all my effort, this is all I get. Unless you can put what I did behind you, I'm afraid we don't have much of a future together.
Then with righteous indignation, Sue stomped out of the room. She followed it up by not speaking to Jon the rest of the day and she didn't make love to him for a week. Her strategy worked great because it meant she didn't have to pretend that everything was okay between them, and it kept Jon from asking her any more questions about Greg.
The I'm-disappointed-you-don't-
"I Can't Remember"
Most of us can remember what we did last night. Even if we have to take some time to think of it, we can generally give pretty specific information. And a week later, if we are asked, we are able to provide essentially the same report. But if we were to lie about what we did last night, we would find it surprisingly difficult, a week later, to remember exactly how the lie went.
If I suspect that a client is lying to me, I ask for specific information, and record it carefully. Then I ask again and again, each time recording what the client says. If the person is telling me the truth, each description of the event is essentially the same. But with a lie, the description changes each time it is repeated.
Jon learned to use the same tactic to uncover lies, and eventually Sue knew what he was doing. So she used another common defense.
"I can't remember."
When a person is having an affair, he or she often prefers to provide no information about the secret life, lest someone ask for the story to be repeated, or even worse, check it out. I have encouraged many spouses to ask their husband or wife where he or she has been and what he or she was doing. If the response is, "I really can't remember," it sends up a red flag. Of course the person can remember. But being willing to reveal what is remembered is another matter.
As soon as Sue began using her poor memory as a defense, Jon tried to confront her, saying that her memory for events had been very good in the past. But she insisted that her marital problems had been so upsetting to her that her memory was affected. To learn how to uncover more tricks, you can check out Things To Say To Win Back Your Girlfriend.
