When a couple tries to reconcile after an affair, they may try to forgive and forget. But while all may be forgiven, all is not forgotten. It is impossible to forget a spouse's unfaithfulness, unless all memory goes along with it. But one of the most remarkable discoveries of my career as a marriage counselor is that in spite of the memory of an affair, marriages can thrive.
Before infidelity actually happens, most couples think they could not continue in a marriage after an affair. The memories would be too painful. But what people think they will do with a wayward spouse isn't what they usually do. Surprisingly enough, after the dust settles, most couples I've counseled try to reconcile. Even though the memory can't be erased, they can survive the affair and create a thriving marriage. But what do they do with the resentment they feel as they try to reconcile?
The More There Is to Resent, the More Difficult Resentment Is to Overcome
Betrayed spouses almost always feel resentment. Both Jon and Lee were resentful about their spouse's affair. But Kevin's decisiveness in ending his affair early gave Lee much less to resent, and her resentment was easier to overcome. Sue's vacillation between Greg and Jon, and then her eventual separation from Jon, greatly increased Jon's suffering and his reasons to be resentful. How To Get The One You Love Back
When it became apparent that Sue's affair would not end as quickly as most, I encouraged Jon to avoid seeing or talking to her until her affair was over (my plan B). The reason I encouraged him to avoid Sue while her affair was going on was to minimize his resentment. By avoiding Sue entirely, he had fewer memories of her affair when she was finally ready to reconcile. Although this step helped to minimize Jon's painful experiences, Sue's irresponsible behavior still made his resentment both overwhelming and inevitable.
An emotional reaction to a painful event fades over time, as long as that painful event is not repeated. But the more it is repeated, the more firmly fixed the memory becomes. In Jon's case, the painful events of Sue's affair were repeated again and again, and with each blow, his resentment was intensified.
I offered Jon and Sue a plan for reconciliation after the affair, but I knew the plan wouldn't work if Jon wasn't able to handle his feelings of resentment that were certain to accompany his reconciliation with Sue. If feelings of resentment are not dealt with correctly, they can ruin an otherwise stunning recovery.
Focusing on the Present and Future Can Help Diminish Resentment
As I've already said, we can never completely forget a spouse's betrayal, but we can make an effort not to dwell on that painful event. As we spend less and less time thinking about the betrayal, the memory of it will fade, along with the resentment we feel.
One of the reasons I'm not so keen on dredging up the past as a part of therapy is that it brings up memories that carry resentment along with them. If I'm not careful, a single counseling session can open up such a can of worms that the presenting problem gets lost in the flood of painful memories. If the goal of therapy is to "resolve" every past issue, that seems to me to be a good way to keep people coming to therapy for the rest of their lives. I believe that resolving issues of the past is an insurmountable goal. We simply cannot learn to feel good about something that caused us pain.
Instead, as a therapist, I tend to focus my attention on the present and the future, because we can do something about them. The past is impossible to change. Why waste our effort on things we have no control over, when we can put that same effort into plans that will bring us a fulfilling future? Granted, it's useful to learn lessons from the past, but we must learn the lessons and then move on.
I believe this focus on the future is the way to deal with feelings of resentment. Let me illustrate this through Jon's experience. When Jon expressed to me his resentment about the way Sue had treated him, I told him that we would put the issue of his resentment on hold as we focused on ways he and Sue could avoid making the same mistakes in the future. I asked him to trust my judgment and wait to see what happened to his resentment after his marriage had a chance to recover.
Only on rare occasions do I need to help a betrayed spouse overcome resentment after marital recovery. I've found that when marriages recover completely, using my four rules, resentment almost always fades away. And that's what happened to Jon. By postponing discussions about resentment, we put off an issue that took care of itself. How To Get The One You Love Back
When the four rules to guide marital recovery are followed, the couple avoid Love Busters, they meet each other's emotional needs, they spend time together, and they are honest with each other. That will eliminate the root causes of infidelity. But if the four rules are not followed, recovery will not be complete - needs will not be met and Love Busters will persist. Then resentment is created In the present, which triggers resentment of the past.
Avoid Using Resentment as a Love Buster
Resentment and Love Busters have a great deal in common. Love Busters, particularly angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands, are ways we may be tempted to react once we feel resentful. In other words, resentment is a feeling, and Love Busters are tempting reactions to that feeling.
There are many who react to their feeling of resentment by inflicting punishment on their spouse for past sins. They express their "feeling" as an angry outburst. But it is pure and simple abuse, disguised as the expression of honest feelings. No spouse has the right to punish the other spouse, and when resentment is felt, an angry outburst must be avoided at all costs.
Some react to resentment by making demands on their spouse. Sadly the tactic often works. The spouse will give in to the demand because he or she feels guilty about having had the affair. It's a Love Buster because it makes the spouse who must meet the demand very unhappy.
I received a letter from a woman who had had an affair ten years earlier. She said that whenever she and her husband had an argument or she was reluctant to have sex. he would bring up the fact that she had an affair. Being reminded of her affair would throw her off balance emotionally and make her feel guilty. To avoid his anger, and soothe her guilty feelings she usually gave in to his demands.
I advised the woman to look her husband right in the eye and say to him, Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, you sure are going about it the wrong way. I will not give you what you want when you try to make me feel guilty. If you want to make love to me more often, let's negotiate. But what l did is in the past. Please do not bring it up any more. I will not let you treat me this way because it will ruin my love for you.
My advice to her husband is to avoid mentioning the affair again. When you keep bringing up your spouse's past mistakes, not only do you make your conversation incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict that you may be discussing.
Sometimes when a person can't seem to let go of an unpleasant thought, it is because that thought is somehow helpful to him or her. Even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets the person something. The letter writer's husband is a good example of this technique. The thought of his wife's affair was unpleasant but it was useful - bringing it up got him what he wanted. If the wife makes sure her husband never gets what he wants when he brings up the affair, he will eventually let go of his resentment because it is no longer useful to him.
Jon was very tempted to use Love Busters in response to his feelings of resentment. But he understood how important it was for him to restore Sue's feelings of love for him and he knew that Love Busters would make her hate him, not love him. So he resisted angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands, even when his feelings of resentment seemed overwhelming. To learn more, you can check out How To Get The One You Love Back.
