Amy became very quiet. Suddenly tears streamed down her face When she regained her composure, she told Kevin for the first time what a bitter disappointment Al had been to her. She had always hoped to have children and raise a family, but from the time they were married, he had been unable to keep a job and was unemployed most of the time. It was up to Amy to pay most of the bills. If that wasn't bad enough, to entertain himself he spent most of his time with friends who had as little ambition as he had. When Amy came home from work, he was usually nowhere to be found. She had lost her love for him and had already seen an attorney to file for divorce.
Kevin gave her a hug as she cried. Amy hugged him back and then gave him a kiss. Their kiss expressed what they had been secretly feeling for each other for weeks. Neither of them wanted it to stop, When Kevin returned home, Lee could see that something was wrong. He seemed very aloof. That was unusual. He was almost always cheerful and talkative, playing with the kids and chatting with her. Tonight he had nothing to say.
Lee was alarmed by the sudden change in Kevin's mood, and wanted to know what it was all about. At first, Kevin tried to lie to her, saying that it had been a disappointing day at work. But Lee knew that disappointing days didn't affect Kevin that way. He was able to leave his work behind him. So she pressed on and kept asking him questions about what had happened that day to upset him so much. Finally, he admitted to her that he was in love with another woman.
Lee was stunned and then became angry. But she was able to compose herself and, as calmly as possible, she asked Kevin to tell her all about it. Reluctantly, he did. He explained how unhappy he had been in their marriage and how Amy had become someone who really seemed to care about him. She had become his best friend, and now he was in love with her.
I was able to talk to both Kevin and Lee the next day. During our session together, they explained the circumstances that led them to my office, and then I pointed out what had not yet happened to them - Kevin had not yet made love to Amy. He had not yet created a secret second life to give himself greater opportunity to be with her. He had not yet decided to separate from Lee and his children.
He had not yet found that Amy wasn't really the woman he wanted after all. And he had not yet begged an extremely resentful Lee to give him another chance after almost destroying her life. So far, he had not acted on his love for another woman. Kevin knew that if he stopped his relationship with Amy now, he could avoid all the tragic events that accompany a full-blown affair.
The conditions that Kevin had allowed himself to experience just about guaranteed that he would fall in love with Amy. She had become his best friend, and they were spending the best moments of the day with each other. It's the formula for the creation of love. The feeling of love is one of the most powerful emotions we ever experience, and it's very difficult to leave someone you love. Yet that's exactly what Kevin had to do and he had to do it immediately.
Total Separation - The Right Way to End an Affair
Although Kevin was in no position to bargain, he tried anyway. Like others in his position, he tried to keep Amy in the loop somehow. You'd think that a wayward spouse would be so aware of his or her weakness and so aware of the pain inflicted that he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "only emotional, but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover, would be okay. In Kevin's case, it was "only emotional."
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And l recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
The Addictive Power of an Affair
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others, we tried to achieve total abstinence. It wasn't long before all the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior. Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I've found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn't have much of a chance. The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn't seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction - to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one's attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance - a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for the most - his or her family. After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
The way to overcome an addiction is tried and proven - abstain from the object of addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must avoid places where alcohol is likely to be found, such as bars and parties. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. They must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid all contact with the lover - for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover. In the case of Sue and Jon, Sue managed to be separated from Greg for about a week but couldn't resist talking to him. So her affair continued until it finally died a natural death, leaving pain and suffering in its wake.
But while total separation is not easy to implement, there are ways to make it work. I helped Kevin and Lee create such a plan. To learn about the plan, you can read my next post. At mean time, you can learn more at Ending An Affair With A Married Man.
