Sue told her friends Jane and Paul that she was finally willing to totally separate from Greg and she wanted to give her marriage with Jon a chance to recover. So they relayed the message to Jon. Sue and Jon then met together for dinner to discuss reconciliation.
After all that Sue had put Jon through, you'd think she would have returned to him humbled and deeply remorseful, Sometimes wayward spouse does ask for forgiveness for the incredible thoughtlessness of his or her affair, but Sue didn't. In fact the way she talked to Jon about getting back together sounded as if he was the one who had the affair. She made it seem as if he was lucky to have another chance to win her back.
A betrayed spouse usually expects their wayward spouse to express guilt and remorse over the pain inflicted by the thoughtlessness of the affair, and Jon was no exception. He felt that an apology was necessary before he would be willing to reconcile. But I was able to talk him out of this condition, because I knew that at the beginning of recovery, remorse is rarely expressed. I suggested that he avoid the subject of regret unless Sue chose to express it. Instead, I wanted him to focus on what they both needed to do to meet each other's emotional needs and become more thoughtful of each other's feelings. Recovery From An Affair
Sue was not unusual. It's very common for the wayward spouse to not feel remorse. And it's common for the betrayed spouse to feel that it wasn't his or her fault either. So when an affair has ended, and a couple are ready to rebuild their relationship, neither wants to take responsibility. They both see the other as having been very selfish and they see themselves as having gone the extra mile, with nothing to show for it. Why apologize for something when you feel it was the other person's fault.
I've found that an apology is not always necessary for a full marital recovery to take place after an affair. Of course, if remorse is actually felt by a spouse, I encourage that spouse to express it. I would like the wayward spouse to apologize for having betrayed a valuable trust and for having hurt in the worst way possible the very one he or she promised to love and cherish. But I would also like the betrayed spouse to apologize for having failed to meet important emotional needs that he or she had promised at the time of marriage, even if the failure was out of ignorance.
If the feeling of remorse is not actually felt by a spouse, I don't recommend a reluctant apology. I don't see any sense in mouthing words that don't reflect true feelings. Insincere words won't help marital recovery. It's the new lifestyle that the couple creates that will save their marriage.
Instead of focusing their attention on the mistakes of the past, I encourage couples to focus on the present and future. They should NOT dwell on the affair but focus on rebuilding their marriage. Every time the affair is mentioned, love units are withdrawn from both Love Banks. So the less time spent talking about the affair, the better. The couple is already painfully aware of the mistakes they made and there's no value in being reminded of what they already know.
The goal of marital recovery is to deposit enough love units for the Love Banks of both spouses to overflow. The reconciled couple must learn how to build a new lifestyle that deposits those love units and avoids their withdrawal. My plan for marital recovery helps couples learn how to create that lifestyle.
Marital Recovery after an Affair
Sue's affair with Greg and Kevin's affair with Amy were strikingly similar. They both began as a friendship and they both developed into a love relationship because important emotional needs had been met. By learning to meet each other's needs, Sue and Greg and Kevin and Amy felt they had become soul mates.
But there was one very important difference in these affairs. Sue's affair with Greg became sexual, while Kevin's never got that far. As soon as Kevin and Amy expressed their love for each other, Kevin realized that he was in trouble. He wisely confessed his feelings to Lee and ended his relationship with Amy. Recovery From An Affair
Some would argue that Kevin never really had an affair, because they feel that a relationship outside marriage must be sexual to be considered an affair. But an emotional affair can be just as much a threat to marriage as a sexual affair. And unless Kevin had separated from Amy when he did, they would have eventually made love. I believe that anyone who is in love with someone outside of marriage, and expresses that love to him or her, is having an affair - affair of the heart. This is particularly true when that expression of love is reciprocated.
In spite of this important difference between the two affairs - one was sexual while the other was not - my plan for marital recovery was the same for both of them. In fact the plan helps marriages recover after all types of affairs if a couple is willing to follow it. Its purpose is to rebuild Love Bank accounts and keep those accounts healthy. It's a plan to create a new lifestyle that helps a couple maintain mutual love and compatibility. It also protects a couple from a new affair.
But while the plan was the same for both couples, they began at different points on the road to recovery. Sue's affair had withdrawn so many love units from her account in Jon's Love Bank that by the time they reunited it was deeply in the red - she had a negative balance. Jon had not just stopped loving her, but he had started disliking her. And Jon's account in Sue's Love Bank wasn't in much better shape. Although he had tried to meet her emotional needs while she was having her affair, her love for Greg prevented Jon's care from reaching her, so none of it was recorded in her Love Bank.
Kevin and Lee, on the other hand, began their recovery with Love Bank accounts that had not taken much of a beating. The discovery of the affair was hard on Kevin's account in Lee's Love Bank, but the damage was minimized by the way he handled it - totally separating from Amy. So it was not only easier for them to follow my plan for recovery, but they saw positive results more quickly.
Since Sue and Jon had the harder and longer road to recovery, I will focus on their experience trying to follow my plan. Their reconciliation was more difficult because Sue's affair had not ended the right way - with immediate total separation from Greg after she realized she was in love with him. By pursuing the affair, Sue created many emotional obstacles to recovery. But my plan is designed to overcome even these obstacles.
By the time Sue's affair was over, and Greg was finally out of her system, she was willing to reconcile for the sake of her girls - and herself. Her daughters wanted their dad back, and with Greg out of the picture, there was no reason to keep him away. Besides, she longed to return to the days when her life was normal. Maybe having Jon home would turn the clock back to those happier days, even if she no longer felt love for Jon and had little hope of ever loving him the way she had loved Greg.
But I made it clear to Sue that Jon would only return to her on the condition that she follow my entire plan for recovery. She figured she had nothing to lose, so she agreed to follow it - at least for a while.
Jon wasn't much more enthusiastic about reconciliation. He felt like he had been through a war and didn't think he could ever trust Sue again. Jon and I had spent quite a bit of time planning for this very day, the day he would return to Sue, but Jon didn't feel like celebrating. He was, however, ready and willing to follow my plan for recovery. Next post, I'll talk about the recovery plan. At mean time, you can check out Recovery From An Affair.
