Jon's ambition and his desire to build an attractive lifestyle for his family was not the cause of Sue's affair. The reason Sue was tempted to have an affair was that her most important emotional needs were not considered when Jon made his vocational decisions. He didn't understand how important it was to meet Sue's needs for conversation, affection, and family commitment. By focusing all of his attention on meeting her need for financial support and ignoring her other needs, he left her vulnerable to someone who would meet those other needs. Out of ignorance, he made decisions to achieve their financial objectives at Sue's emotional expense. If he had known how important it was for him to meet Sue's most important emotional needs as he tried to achieve his lifestyle objectives, he would not have had to suffer the pain of her affair.
When our most important emotional needs go unmet, we tend to feel somewhat empty and depressed. When those needs are met, we feel alive again - fulfilled. While we all may go through life with unmet emotional needs, none of us is very happy with that kind of life. People who feel depressed because of unmet emotional needs may see therapist after therapist in an effort to relieve their feeling of hopelessness, but they find no relief. They take medication to treat their depression, but that only helps relieve the suffering as long as the medication is used. These people often conclude that there's something wrong with them, that their brain is out of whack, that they are psychologically unstable.
But then they meet someone who makes them feel wonderful. It's as if the clouds have lifted and the sun is shining again. This person usually satisfies the unmet emotional needs quite innocently. It may be that the person is genuinely interested in conversation, expresses admiration that is sincere, or provides exciting companionship.
When the unmet emotional needs are fulfilled, the results are incredible. The depressed person is instantly cured - as long as he or she continues to have emotional needs met. When those needs are no longer met, the depression returns.
Some people believe that the lifting of their depression during an affair is a sign from God that they should abandon past relationships and cling to this new relationship. But it's no sign from God. Instead, it's the way our emotions blindly encourage us to spend more time with those who do the best job meeting our emotional needs. If we were to give in to our emotions and chase after anyone who happens to meet our emotional needs at the moment, our lives and the lives of our families would be chaotic in no time. It's very foolish to let our emotions dictate the course of our lives. But unmet needs have a powerful effect - so powerful that people are willing to give up their spouse as well as their children, career, and beliefs to have their emotional needs met.
To show you how unmet emotional needs lead to an affair, I'll let Sue continue to explain her predicament to you, the same way she explained it to me.
I'm in a relationship with Greg because I've had serious problems with my marriage, only I didn't fully realize it until now. I have been very unhappy with Jon as a husband, and knowing Greg has made that very clear to me. I used to think I had a good marriage, but that was because I never knew what a romantic relationship could be.
Greg and I became good friends very innocently. I was not looking for a replacement for Jon, but my friendship with Greg has shown me what I've been missing all these years. I feel I have turned a critical corner. Greg doesn't earn as much money as Jon but he is very smart and creative and organized, a loving father to his children, and a fun person to hang out with. He's not as good looking as Jon, but l find him more attractive anyway.
Greg and I had worked together on our committee for months without any thoughts of a romantic relationship. When we first met, I never would have guessed in a million years that I would some day be in love with him. But one day we both realized that we felt something for each other.
Greg makes me weak with desire, something I haven't felt in years, We actually talk and look at each other. It seems so natural, like the right thing to do. When we make love it's like heaven. We see each other several times a week but we must be very careful now that Jon knows about us. We joke and laugh and even have very deep conversations about my marriage problems.
Feeling such pleasure and enjoyment from just his company, let alone the intense passion I feel kissing him, makes me realize just how little I was getting from my marriage. I don't want to ruin my kids' lives. They would resent me forever. But I can't lose Greg either. How would I ever be able to find someone else like him?
There are many things about Jon that l admire. In many ways, he's a great guy. I just don't love him. There's no way that he will ever be what I need in a man. Are you in that situation too? Want to know how to save your relationship? You can find out more at Things To Say To Get Girlfriend Back.
