It was an innocent discovery on Jon's part. A business associate happened to mention that he had seen Sue that day. With a few questions Jon learned that she was having lunch with a man that fit Greg's description.
Since many affairs are with friends, it's often difficult to distinguish between an affair and an innocent friendship. Friends and lovers often do the same things - have lunch together, talk on the telephone, send notes, and give each other gifts. A neighbor, a married friend, a coworker, a personal trainer, a professor, a student, a pastor, anyone with whom there is repeated contact and needs are being met, can be a friend - or a lover.
Friends usually meet emotional needs, and love units are deposited when needs are met. So it's easy to understand why friends of the opposite sex would fall in love. Once the friends are in love, the friendship can then be used as an excuse for being together, particularly when there is no hard evidence of an affair.
But in Sue's case, even though Jon had that hard evidence when he found Sue and Greg in bed together, she tried to use the defense that they were just friends.
Jon didn't buy it, of course, and Sue instinctively reverted back to her shock, anger, sarcasm, and sadness. My affair with Greg is over, but that doesn't mean we can't be friends. Do you expect me to live in a cave all my life?
Again, with righteous indignation, Sue stomped out of the room, did not speak to Jon the rest of the day, and wouldn't make love to him. But this time her strategy did not work. Jon knew that her affair was on again and he was very angry. After he regained his composure the next day, he demanded, again, that she stop seeing Greg. Sue told him that he was being controlling and paranoid
"I just Need Some Time Away to Think Things Through"
Sue had stopped coming with Jon to their appointments with me almost from the start, because she did not like my suggestion that she stop seeing or talking to Greg. But Jon continued to talk to me throughout his ordeal. By this time we both knew that Sue was continuing her affair with Greg, but I encouraged Jon to stick it out, even if they eventually separated. Jon remained hopeful because I predicted that Sue's affair would eventually end, and he would have a chance to reconcile. But I prepared him for the possibility that they might separate first.
When a spouse asks for a separation to "think things through" or to "decide how I feel," I usually interpret this as his or her way of getting together with a lover more conveniently. The reason I jump to this conclusion so quickly is that I have been right so much of the time.
Sue had grown tired of trying to live a life of deception. She knew that Jon was now on to her, and it would be almost impossible to continue seeing Greg without Jon knowing about it. So she began making plans for a separation.
Moving in with Greg was out of the question. For one thing, his house was much too small. Besides, it was one thing for Jon to think she was having an affair, but quite another for him to know about it with certainty.
Asking Jon to leave his home and children was also a problem for Sue. How could she hurt him that much, when he had done nothing to deserve it? Having an affair was bad enough, but Sue didn't think she could live with herself if she took Jon away from his children.
So she decided to look for an apartment where she would live by herself for a while. From there she could visit her children at home as much as she wanted and she would be free to be with Greg without being under Jon's watchful eye. It seemed like the perfect solution.
After she found a place to live near her home, she waited for Jon's next interrogation, and she didn't have to wait very long. As they were eating dinner as a family, he innocently asked Sue what she had done that day. Sue looked him in the eye and said, It's none of your business.
It certainly is my business, Jon responded, and that's all Sue needed.
Sue got up from the table. I've had just about enough of your jealousy and control. I can't take it anymore.
Then she announced that she would be moving out the next morning.
Her children were heartbroken. They could not understand why she would leave them, but she promised to come back as soon as she was "feeling better." She told Jon the same thing.
Because I had prepared Jon for this turn of events, he was able to be considerate of her feelings and even help her move. Without such preparation, I'm sure he would have thrown into a rage, giving Sue additional justification for her actions. But instead, he told her that he wanted her to be happy and that he hoped the separation would make her feel better about being married to him.
The next day Jon rented a truck and helped her move furniture from the house that would make her apartment comfortable, he even gave her money to cover the cost of the apartment.
Sue had done what she had been dreaming about doing for months - leaving Jon so she could be with Greg. She was free.
As soon as Jon left her apartment. Sue called Greg, inviting him over. This was the day she had planned - moving to her own place and having a private evening with Greg. It was wonderful being with him, but she missed her children terribly. She hadn't excepted that, and after Greg left, she cried herself to sleep. To learn more, you can check out Affair Excuses.
