Kevin and Lee, the couple we met, were off to a good start when it came to taking time for undivided attention. They began exercising together three times a week. having lunch together almost every day and talking on the phone several times during the day. They also scheduled Saturday night as their weekly date night. When they charted their time together, they consistently spent more than twenty hours each week with each other. Prior to Kevin's affair; they had given each other undivided attention less than an hour each week.
As soon as Kevin had recovered from the symptoms of withdrawal, his time with Lee met his emotional needs and deposited hundreds of love units in Lee's account. It wasn't long before he was in love with Lee again, and that made their time together even more enjoyable for him. Lee was also feeling more fulfilled than she had felt in years. Although Kevin's affair was an unwelcome trauma, she confessed to me that it shocked them out of their apathy. It forced them to create a new lifestyle that provided a fulfilling marriage.
Isn't it a shame that it took an affair to bring Kevin and Lee to their senses? Of course, Lee had not suffered anything close to what Jon suffered as a result of Sue's affair. But even Jon felt that her affair may have been necessary to bring him to a full understanding of how important it was to set aside time to meet Sue's emotional needs. And yet if Sue and Jon had not scheduled time to be alone with each other, even the lessons of the affair may have been all for nothing.
A couple's love for each other cannot be created or sustained without time for undivided attention. And unless you schedule time to meet each other's emotional needs, it won't get done. As I mentioned earlier, setting aside time to give each other undivided attention is one of the most difficult assignments I can give because the pressures of life usually crowd out the time it takes to sustain romantic love.
Jon and Sue brought their day planners to their session each week. We sat down and scheduled at least fifteen hours a week when they could give each other undivided attention. They decided what to do during those times and wrote it in. They also set aside a time at the end of each week to evaluate how well they did. Eventually they did the scheduling themselves. Jon and Sue got into a habit of every Sunday afternoon at 3:00 getting together and scheduling their time for the week to come.
Since we are creatures of habit, I recommend that you schedule the same hours week after week to be alone with your spouse. If you keep the same schedule every week, it will be easier to follow the Rule of Time.
The total amount of time you spend together doesn't necessarily affect the way you feel about each other in the week that the time is spent. It has more effect on the way you're going to feel about each other in future weeks. You are building your Love Bank accounts when you spend enjoyable time together, and the account must build before you feel the effect.
When Sue and Jon first started spending time together, their Love Bank accounts were in the red. It took several months for their accounts to rise to a level where they truly enjoyed each other's company. At first, they complained that their time together was uncomfortable and they had trouble finding things to talk about. But their efforts eventually paid off. They built their Love Bank accounts to a point where they brought out the very best in each other, and conversation became almost effortless.
You won't have to write your schedule of time together in your calendars for the rest of your life, although it will probably be something you won't mind doing after you get into the habit. For the first few weeks of recovery, however, write them in to help you get into some good habits. Then, once the habits are set and you are happy with the amount of time you spend with each other, you may not need to write the dates in your calendars anymore.
Make a bargain with each other that if either of you feels that your time together is deteriorating, you will get back to scheduling your dates on the calendar again. Take time m talk about how you have been spending your time together. This will help you see what's gone wrong. Discuss needed improvements in your behavior, and get into new habits that solve the problem.
Many couples mention that they see a noticeable improvement once they start scheduling time to be together. They also feel a noticeable irritability, resentment, and loneliness when time together is not set as a priority. Jon and Sue were very familiar with the hurtful feelings associated with their relationship having low priority. But in time, to avoid its recurrence, they got into the habit of scheduling their time for undivided attention.
Recreational Companionship
Jon and Sue discovered that they must do more than just schedule time to be together and give each other undivided attention. They had to make their time together the most enjoyable time of their week. But what should they do that they would both enjoy?
Many activities that they enjoyed in their twenties were no longer fun in their thirties. Or an activity that Jon still enjoyed was no longer enjoyable to Sue.
Couples often make the fatal mistake of going their separate ways when an activity becomes boring to one of the spouses. After all, they reason, why make one spouse sacrifice an enjoyable activity just to accommodate the other? If one spouse has become skilled playing golf, for example, why give it up just because the other spouse has lost interest in the sport?
The answers to those questions depend on the importance of love in your marriage. If the love you desire for each other is more important than your leisure activities, then you must spend your most enjoyable time with each other, and that time must be mutually enjoyable.
But if your leisure activities are more important than your love, then you should pursue your favorite activities independently of each other. If that's your choice, and if you don't spend your most enjoyable time together, you risk losing your emotional bond and your love for each other. If you choose to spend your most enjoyable leisure time apart, you not only miss an opportunity to build mutual love, but someone else may deposit enough love units into your Love Bank to risk an affair. Those are strong words, but as someone who has spent his life trying to save marriages, I know what I'm talking about.
Your love for each other should be more important to you than any leisure activity. That means that being with each other recreationally should be more important than the particular activity you choose to do together. The purpose of the activity should be to help build your relationship. It should not be the other way around. The purpose of your being together should not be to improve your skill a particular recreational activity. You are not married because you enjoy playing tennis together. You play tennis together because it's a way of building your love for each other. If your spouse decides he or she doesn't enjoy tennis anymore, don't ask damaging your relationship by going off and playing tennis with someone else. Find an alternative to tennis that will be just as enjoyable for both of you.
It's extremely important to be each other's best friend throughout life. You do that by making each other a part of every enjoyable activity you have. If it's fun to do, your spouse should do it with you. If your spouse doesn't enjoy doing it, give it up. Whatever activity you choose - jogging, bicycling, playing football, golfing - sure your spouse wants to do it too. Don't develop skills in an activity that your spouse does not enjoy.
One of the quickest ways to become bored with each other is to have more interesting things to do when you are apart. Eliminate that destructive possibility by deliberately spending your most enjoyable moments with each other. Spend as much of your leisure time together as possible and try to use that time to also meet the emotional needs of affection, conversation, and sexual fulfillment. Not only is spending leisure time together one of the best ways to build your relationship, but it ensures that the most interesting and enjoyable parts of your life are experienced together. To learn more, you can check out Time Management For Families.
