An emotional reaction closely related to resentment is the loss of trust. After an affair, a betrayed spouse not only feels resentful about the way he or she was hurt by the wayward spouse, but the betrayed spouse also feels that he or she can never trust that wayward spouse again. And without trust, how can a marriage ever be fulfilling?
Trust is the belief that our spouse will be honest with us and will protect our feelings. In other words, trust assumes that our spouse will follow the Rule of Honesty and the Rule of Protection. Before Sue's affair, Jon had trusted her to be honest with him and to avoid doing anything that would hurt him. More to the point, he had trusted Sue to avoid having an affair. But she had proven to be dishonest. She had looked right into Jon's eyes and lied to him. Then, faced with undeniable evidence, she had grudgingly and defensively admitted to one lie after another, but it was rarely accompanied by an apology. Considering her obvious failure to be honest and protect Jon's feelings, could he ever trust her again?
One reason I had Jon and Sue learn to follow the Rule of Honesty and the Rule of Protection was so they could restore their trust in each other. Those two rules encapsulated the meaning of trust, and by learning to follow those rules, they would learn to trust each other again. Restoring Trust In A Relationship After Infidelity
I have counseled many spouses who refuse to follow the Rule of Protection. In other words, they admit that they are willing to let their spouse suffer so they can get what they want. When the spouse of an alcoholic complains that drinking causes unhappiness, he or she drinks anyway. Workaholics do the same thing. Their spouse's feelings have little effect on their decisions. They do what they want, regardless of the negative effect on their spouse.
Whenever someone's spouse is unwilling to follow the Rule of Protection, I explain to that person that their spouse should not be trusted. Why? Because we trust those who are willing and able to protect our feelings, and someone unwilling to follow the Rule of Protection is unwilling to protect our feelings. That person may have never had an affair, may not be an alcoholic, a workaholic, or any other kind of "aholic." That person may have never done anything to upset his or her spouse, but the unwillingness to follow the Rule of Protection means that it's only a matter of time before thoughtlessness rears its ugly head.
Sue and Jon had never understood trust that way before. They had always thought of trust as something you simply did when you were married. You had to trust your spouse. But I explained that trust grows as each spouse shows himself or herself to be trustworthy. Unless both of them were willing to follow the Rule of Honesty and Rule of Protection, they should not trust each other. On the other hand, as soon as they both followed those rules, they could trust each other immediately.
Of course, trust cannot be turned on and off like a light switch, and they both had to prove that they were trustworthy. By following the Rule of Honesty and Rule of Protection they would eventually prove their trustworthiness to each other. Restoring Trust In A Relationship After Infidelity
If someone who has a long history of dishonesty and thoughtlessness agrees to the Rule of Honesty and the Rule of Protection, that person is on his or her way to becoming trustworthy, in spite of past history. As he or she learns how to be honest and learns how to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement (the essence of the Rule of Protection), it's only a matter of time before the person's spouse trusts him or her.
How could Jon be certain that Sue would not have another affair? How could he ever trust her again? It could happen only as they based their relationship on the Rule of Honesty and the Rule of Protection as a demonstration of their trustworthiness. Sue was learning to be completely honest with Jon, and that prevented the creation of a secret second life - an essential ingredient of an affair. She was also firmly committed to taking Jon's feelings into account with every decision she made, and that also made an affair impossible.
Many wayward spouses have demanded that the betrayed spouse trust them. They argue that without that trust their marriage cannot thrive. They are not using that argument to build their marriage, but rather to get their way. They don't follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, asking how their spouse would feel about their decisions but they insist that the spouse trust their judgment. They don't tell their spouse what they are doing in their secret second life but they want the spouse to believe that it is not anything harmful to the marriage. Wanting trust in these situations is simply an effort to get away with thoughtlessness and dishonesty.
But trust can be achieved when a wayward spouse has proven willingness and ability to follow the Rule of Honesty and the Rule of Protection. A willingness to follow those rules, along with the months that it takes to prove the ability to follow them, creates a trust that does not have to be demanded. It comes effortlessly. To learn more, you can check out Restoring Trust In A Relationship After Infidelity.
