What about Withdrawal after a One-Night Stand?
A spouse who engages in one-night stands is not usually addicted to a particular lover - the addiction is to one-night stands. For that reason the extraordinary precautions I recommend to separate a spouse from a lover also work well to separate a spouse from one-night stands or any other form of sex to which he or she may be addicted. And that separation creates the same symptoms of withdrawal that Kevin experienced. But it's not possible to begin marital recovery until one-night stands, or any other type of extramarital sexual behavior, are ended once and for all, and the feeling of withdrawal that follows their elimination fades away.
Regardless of the type of affair or sexual addiction - one-night stands, relationships with soul mates, or anything in-between - separation from the object of addiction and recovery from the symptoms of withdrawal must take place before marital reconciliation is possible.
What If the Wayward Spouse Contacts the Lover?
As you will see in my plan for recovery, honesty is crucial in creating a good marriage. And it's also crucial for totally separating from a lover. A question that I encouraged Lee to ask Kevin was, Have you seen or talked to Amy today? Kevin promised that he would answer that question honestly whenever Lee asked. He even tried to remember to tell her whether or not he had seen or talked to Amy, before Lee asked him.
I prepared Lee for the possibility that Kevin might admit that he had contacted Amy. Her reaction to that honest revelation would be very important. She was to take a deep breath and say, Thank you for being honest with me. Then they were to discuss what they could do in the future to avoid such contact again.
If there is a failure to totally separate from a lover, it usually means that the measures taken to guarantee separation are inadequate. Perhaps Kevin's job at another dealership would not enable him to separate entirely from Amy. She may have come uninvited to the dealership to talk to him. In that case, a relocation to another city or state would be the answer.
An altemative to relocation would be for Kevin to take a three month leave of absence from his job, preventing Amy from walking in on him at will. During those three months, Amy's symptoms of withdrawal would probably subside enough for her to honor his request for her never to talk to him again.
Any contact with Amy, initiated by either Kevin or Amy, would set Kevin's period of withdrawal back to the beginning. The feeling of depression that would have started to fade would be more intense after seeing her again. But it would not mean an end to the plan for marital recovery. It would just set the recovery back to the beginning. Hopefully, Kevin would agree to new conditions that would make contact with Amy less likely.
What If the Wayward Spouse Doesn't Want to Totally Separate from the Lover?
After a series of failures to separate, it may become apparent that any reasonable conditions to separate cannot prevent a wayward spouse to persist in contacting the lover. Or the wayward spouse may refuse to follow the conditions to separate.
Sue had made a genuine effort to meet the conditions that would help her avoid seeing Greg - for about a week. But then she broke down and contacted him and secretly reestablished her relationship with him. As part of her deception, she tried to make Jon think she was following my conditions for separation.
But it soon became apparent to Sue that she couldn't really follow my conditions and still see Greg as often as she wanted. At first, she gave plausible excuses for her failure to meet the conditions of separation. But when those excuses finally didn't work, she became increasingly dishonest and defensive. Her lies were eventually revealed and Sue left Jon to avoid the conditions that had separated her from Greg. Away from Jon and on her own, she was free to be with Greg without any interference or explanation.
Jon was tempted to divorce Sue at each new phase of their nightmare. Was there a point at which Jon should have divorced Sue and simply ended it all? Should he have divorced her when he first found her in bed with Greg? Should he have divorced her when she refused to follow the measures to guarantee total separation? Or when she left to live in her own apartment? Or when she had Jon move out of his own house so she could return? Or should he have divorced her when Greg finally left her, and she had burned all of her bridges?
Many people don't agree with my efforts to save such a marriage. They feel that once a spouse is unfaithful, the marriage should end. But I was able to convince Jon to wait. Wait for what? Jon would ask in deep frustration. Wait until you have a chance to regain her love for you, was my answer. Wait until the affair has ended and she is willing to try to reconcile with you.
Many would lack the patience to wait as long as Jon waited, but I knew that he had history on his side. Affairs usually end and when they do, the wayward spouse is usually willing to rebuild the marriage. Most affairs do not end like Kevin's affair, with a willingness to totally separate from the lover. Most affairs, like Sue's, continue on after they are first discovered.
You may think that after a spouse willfully chooses a lover and abandons the family, there would be no hope for marital reconciliation, but that's not true. While there is no hope for reconciliation when the affair is underway, as soon as the affair is ended, reconciliation is definitely possible. And almost all affairs end sooner than most people think they will.
But for the betrayed spouse, waiting for the affair to end seems like an eternity. The wayward spouse can't seem to make up his or her mind - one moment committing to the marriage and the next moment committing to the lover. To help a betrayed spouse survive that painful period of vacillation - the time it takes for an affair to die a natural death - I recommend two plans. If the first plan (plan A) is unsuccessful in separating the wayward spouse from the lover, the second plan (plan B) is followed until the affair is ended. This sequence - plan A followed by plan B - represents the most sensible approach to handling a wayward spouse's inability to decide between the lover and the betrayed spouse. Next post, I'll tell you more about the 2 plans. At mean time, you can check out How To Build Trust In A Relationship Again for more details.
