Sue broke all the rules when she had an affair with Greg. She broke the Rule of Protection because she knew her relationship with Greg would be devastating to Jon but she did it anyway. She broke the Rule of Care after her affair began because she stopped meeting Jon's important emotional needs. She broke the Rule of Time because she avoided spending time with him. In fact she finally left him so that she would not need to spend any time with him at all.
But the rule she broke that may have done her marriage the most harm was the Rule of Honesty. Throughout her marriage to Jon, Sue valued their mutual honesty. But when her affair began, honesty was abandoned, and dishonesty was shifted into high gear. It was her pervasive dishonesty that turned her love for Greg into a marital disaster.
Kevin took a different path. When he knew he was in love with Amy, he thought about lying to Lee about it, but it didn't take him long to reject that option. By honestly expressing his feelings to his wife, he avoided the year of agony that Sue and Jon had to bear. If Sue had taken the path of honesty, she too could have avoided most of the misery that she imposed on herself and her family.
Radical honesty is essential for marital recovery after an affair Honesty not only points a couple toward their goal of reconciliation, but it also helps restore trust. Of course, as is the case with each of the four rules of marriage, honesty is essential to creating a great marriage-period. But almost all affairs require dishonesty. An honest relationship between a husband and wife makes affairs almost impossible, So if a couple has any hope of recovering trust after an affair, they must create a level of honesty never before achieved in their marriage.
To help couples understand the importance of honesty, I've created the Rule of Honesty: Be totally open and honest with your spouse. How To Get Trust In A Relationship
When you follow this rule, you should reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know - your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history daily activities, and plans for the future.
You may agree with me that spouses should be honest with each other but you may wonder how far honesty should go. To help couples understand this rule, I have broken it down into its five parts:
- Emotional honesty: Reveal your emotional reactions - both positive and negative - to the events of your life, particularly to your spouse's behavior.
- Historical honesty: Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure.
- Current honesty: Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your spouse.
- Future honesty: Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives.
- Complete honesty: Do not leave your spouse with a false impression about your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, or plans for the future. Do not deliberately keep personal information from your spouse.
Granted, dishonesty may seem like a good short-term solution to marital conflict. It'll probably get you off the hook for a few days or months. But it's a terrible long-term solution. If you expect to build a relationship of trust that will last throughout your life, total honesty is essential.
To those who argue that dishonesty can be justified under certain circumstances, I must say that my Rule of Honesty leaves no room for exceptions. But because there are so many out there who advocate dishonesty in marriage, I need to build a case for my position. Let's take a careful look at each of the five parts of this rule, beginning with emotional honesty. How To Get Trust In A Relationship
Emotional Honesty
Sue found it very difficult to express her emotional reactions, particularly the negative ones. She was afraid that Jon would judge her and she certainly did not want Jon to be hurt by those feelings. She did not feel capable of expressing negative feelings without anger, disrespect, or demands. So she didn't express them at all.
Sue also felt that any negative reactions would reflect the fact that she did not accept Jon unconditionally. She wanted unconditional acceptance from him and she thought that her own negative reactions would encourage him to be critical of her.
But negative feelings serve a valuable purpose in marriage. They are a signal that something is wrong. If Sue had learned to steer clear of angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands, her honest expression of negative feelings would have have alerted Jon to an adjustment that would have made their marriage much more enjoyable.
Honesty enables couples to make appropriate adjustments to each other, and adjustment is what a good marriage is all about. Jon and Sue needed to adjust to each other as their surroundings and their needs changed. But how could they adjust without accurate information from each other? That's flying blind - like a pilot whose instrument panel has shorted out.
To adjust successfully, you need a steady flow of accurate data from each other. Without this, unhappy situations can go on and on. But if you communicate your feelings to each other, you can correct what you're doing wrong before it withdraws too many love units.
The mere communication of feelings does not assure that all the necessary adjustments will be made. There is still work to do. But without that honest communication, failure is guaranteed.
The expression of negative reactions is important, but don't overlook the expression of positive feelings. While positive feelings are generally easier to communicate than negative ones, many couples have not learned to express these feelings either. Failing to do so, they miss an important opportunity to deposit love units. If you say clearly and enthusiastically that you like something your spouse has done, you'll make your partner feel good, knowing that his or her care is appreciated. To learn more, you can check out How To Get Trust In A Relationship.
