Kevin and Amy had become each other's best friends partly because they spent much of their leisure time with each other. They not only exercised together every morning, but they also had lunch with each other and often spent time together after work.
We have already discussed the importance of accounting for time, especially leisure time. But another extraordinary precaution that a wayward spouse and betrayed spouse should take is to spend their leisure time together.
So I encouraged Lee and Kevin to be together whenever he was not at work. Lee now realized that it was vital to their relationship that she spend more time with Kevin. By using day care and a friend with whom she exchanged baby-sitting duties, Lee was often able to join Kevin for lunch. They also joined a new health club and exercised together three mornings a week. Getting Wife Back After Separation
Once in a while Kevin was required to take a business trip. Since I encouraged them to spend all their leisure time together, Lee went along with him. They were curious to know how long this extraordinary precaution would be necessary, since it was expensive and inconvenient for Lee to travel with Kevin every time he was gone overnight. My response was that the risk of an affair was too great to take any chances. Besides, after they had traveled together for a while, they would probably want to do it the rest of their lives.
When There's Less Emotional Attachment
The deep emotional attachment of soul-mate affairs make them very difficult to end. That's why I recommend the five extraordinary precautions. When these measures are taken, success can usually be guaranteed. But what about affairs with less emotional attachment? And what about one-night stands? Is it really necessary to totally separate a wayward spouse from a lover in these situations?
I recommend the five extraordinary precautions for all types of affairs, even one-night stands, for two reasons. First, any contact a wayward spouse has with a former lover is an offense to a betrayed spouse. Once a sexual relationship has occurred, or even threatens to occur, further contact should be eliminated out of consideration to the spouse.
My second reason is that it's difficult to judge the degree of attachment between the lovers in affairs, so precautions must be taken just in case the attachment is greater than the wayward spouse admits. A wayward spouse in love will often argue that he or she has no emotional feelings toward the lover, as a ploy to try to continue the relationship. If there really is no attachment, then the extraordinary precautions I recommend will simply be easier to implement.
When a wayward spouse has a history of one-night stands, I usually suggest that they find a career that does not require their being away from home overnight, or one that allows the betrayed spouse to travel with the wayward spouse. This worked for Lee and Kevin. She joined him on his infrequent business trips. But what if he had been an interstate truck driver, away from home a week at a time? Would Lee have had to travel with him cross-country?
It's been done! Some betrayed spouses I've counseled have made the decision to drive with their spouse over the road to avoid affairs. In fact one enjoyed the experience so much, that when her husband died unexpectedly, she tried to marry another trucker so that she could continue the lifestyle she had come to enjoy. But in cases where a betrayed spouse is not willing or able to travel, the wayward spouse should change careers so that they can be together every night. Getting Wife Back After Separation
I believe that the extraordinary precautions I recommend do more than help couples end marriage-threatening affairs - they also help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted. And that's the best reason to use my extraordinary precautions for separating a wayward spouse from a lover - they not only help separate them, but they also help create a strong marriage. These conditions are not a punishment for unfaithfulness; they are crucial building blocks that form the foundation for a strong marital recovery.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
When Kevin decided to end his relationship with Amy, he made the right decision. But he didn't make that decision just once. In the days that followed he had to make the decision many times. He was tempted to give Amy a call every day just to hear her voice and every day he made the decision not to call her.
How long will this last? Kevin wanted to know. I'm not sure I can do this much longer. Only three days had passed since he had talked to Amy last, and he was already overwhelmed by the pain of being separated from her. He was just a phone call away from ending that pain - by just talking to her.
I did my best to encourage Kevin. Antidepressant medication prescribed by his doctor also helped relieve some of his most intense feelings of hopelessness. But it was Kevin's willingness to follow the five extraordinary precautions that actually kept him away from Amy. Next post, I'll talk about withdrawal. Before that, you can check out Getting Wife Back After Separation.
