How can I explain to Amy that I will never see her again? Kevin asked. The answer to that question is an extremely important part of the plan to separate. Kevin needed to end the relationship in a way that would make their separation complete. And he also needed to do it in a way that would be least offensive to Lee.
But Kevin's instincts would not have led him to the correct procedure. If left to his own devices, he would have taken Amy on a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. At the very least, he would have wanted to take her to a secluded spot and discuss the pros and cons of their future together. From Kevin's perspective, he would want to let her down gently, and end the relationship with care and concern for her future. After all, he had encouraged her to love him, and now he felt he had no right to abandon her with no warning. Besides, he wasn't just in love with her, he cared about her, too. She was his best friend.
The approach Kevin would have used to end the relationship not only would have been very offensive to Lee, but probably would have failed. I've witnessed these "final" good-byes and there's nothing final about them. All they do is leave the wayward spouse and the lover even more convinced that they belong with each other.
From Lee's perspective (and mine), Amy was the worst enemy of Kevin and Lee's marriage. She stood in the way of their happiness and the happiness of their children. Lee did not want Kevin to "let Amy down gently."
I recommended to Kevin that he write Amy the final good-bye in a letter. I did not want him to see or talk to her ever again if at all possible.
The letter had to be written in a way that was acceptable to Lee. It was to be short and to the point. It was to begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they love so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it would be the right thing to do. Then Kevin would explain how he cared about Lee and his children, and for the sake of their protection had decided to completely end his relationship with Amy. Kevin would promise never to see or communicate with Amy again in life and would ask Amy to respect that promise. Nothing would be said about how he would miss her.
At first Kevin felt that such a letter would be a cruel way to end his affair. But he eventually understood how important it was to completely close the door on any hope of a future relationship. It was over, and Amy needed to know that. If Kevin had given Amy any false hope, preventing her from moving on in her life, that would have been incredibly cruel.
Kevin wrote this letter to Amy and let Lee read it:
Amy, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I've come to realise that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that Lee did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay Lee for the pain I've caused her, I'll do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk this happiness. I'll not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship,
Sincerely, Kevin.
A mutual friend was asked to deliver the letter to Amy so that there would be no opportunity for Kevin to add anything to its content. I told Kevin that he should not call Amy. It's very tempting for a wayward spouse to tell the lover that the letter is not entirely his or hers, but rather one that the spouse and counselor wrote.
Extraordinary Precautions Must Be Taken to Guarantee Separation
An affair is not only extremely destructive to a marriage, but it is also extremely difficult to end. So Kevin's willingness to end his relationship with Amy had to be reinforced with extraordinary precautions that would make it difficult for them to contact each other again.
1. Changing Jobs and Relocating
As long as Amy and Kevin worked together, the goal of total separation was impossible to achieve. So Kevin had to take the extraordinary precaution of trying to find another job where he would not be working with Amy. Kevin's management job would be difficult to give up, especially since Lee was a stay-at-home morn. She had been out of the workplace for quite a few years and would not be able to earn much even if she were to get a job right away.
I suggested to Kevin that he speak with his boss at work and explain his situation. As it turns out, the auto dealership was one of several owned by the same man, so Kevin was able to move laterally to a similar position at another dealership. But many of the people I counsel do not have such an easy time making a job change. They must take vacation time to look for other work and sometimes remain unemployed for months before a suitable new job becomes available.
Most wayward spouses don't think they need to quit a job or move to a new location. They feel they have themselves under control, and this extraordinary precaution is unnecessary. Sometimes they insist on a trial period where their commitment can be tested. But a trial period is just an opportunity for the affair to reignite.
Changing jobs or moving to a new location is usually a difficult and costly choice. Yet, it can be done, and without this extraordinary measure, the risk of an affair spinning out of control is very great. Easy access to a former lover must be avoided at all costs.
Of course, if Amy had decided to quit her job voluntarily, then Kevin would not have had to change jobs. I've seen many cases in which, after an affair is exposed, the lover is the one who moves away, and then it is not necessary for the spouse to change jobs or relocate.
Sometimes a couple will decide to relocate, even if the lover has left the area. After the agony of an affair, it's often very helpful to move to new surroundings and start over. Otherwise, everything they see and do keeps reminding them of the affair.
In our next post, we'll talk about other measures to take. At mean time, you can check out Breaking An Affair for more details.
