Until her separation, whenever Sue was with Greg, she was almost always happy because he met some of her most important emotional needs. Her conversation with him was enjoyable and interesting, and he always gave her his undivided attention when they talked to each other. He showered her with affection, continually giving her assurance that he loved her and would always be there for her if she needed him. He also had a great sense of humor, another thing missing in her life with Jon.
Sue's relationship with Greg had been essentially free of conflict. They deliberately avoided any unpleasant subjects when they were together. It was as if they were living in a kind of bubble, protected from the cares of normal living. So they rarely argued about anything.
The special world that Sue and Greg had created was designed to maximize their feeling of love. They spent their time together meeting each other's emotional needs and avoiding anything that would upset the other. Love-unit deposits were abundant, and withdrawals were very few. So many love units were deposited that they had left the romantic-love threshold way behind. Their balances were so high that they believed their love for each other would last forever.
But the conditions that had made Sue's affair so enjoyable for her were created at Jon's expense. Sue and Greg had very few conflicts because Jon was shouldering many of the mundane responsibilities of Sue's life. It was his work and his income that gave Sue the quality of life she enjoyed and the freedom to create the conditions that made her affair work. She had her part-time job, child care available to her when she needed it, and the ability to come and go as she pleased.
But her separation changed all that.
With Separation Comes Reality
When Sue was with Greg after she left her family, all was not a bed of roses anymore. She began to doubt whether she had done the right thing. All she could think about was how her children looked at her when she left them. Even Greg could not cheer her up, and that was the beginning of trouble for their relationship. Until then, they always had fun together, but after the separation, it wasn't fun anymore. And that withdrew love units.
The first week Sue spent as much time with Greg as she could, But she discovered almost immediately that having Greg as a lover was very different than having him as a husband. Of course, he wasn't her husband yet, but she began thinking of him in those terms. Being away from Jon helped her realize how much she had depended on him for things she took for granted, and how Greg simply wasn't able to fill his shoes entirely. He would never be able to earn the income that Sue had come to expect and he would never be the real father of her children. Jon and Sue had created a very comfortable lifestyle together, and as she sat in her apartment, she began to miss it terribly.
Before the separation, whenever Sue and Greg talked about their future together, they would imagine how wonderful it would be. But they had never actually worked out the details. Now they were faced with the reality of it all. Now when they tried to plan Sue's divorce, all she could talk about was her guilt and depression. Greg grew impatient with her and love units were withdrawn from both of their Love Banks. Lovemaking just wasn't the same after such conversations.
Sue believed that the way she felt about Greg was a sign that they were meant to be together. She didn't understand that it was Greg's balance in her Love Bank that made her feel the way she did. And the only reason he was able to deposit so many love units was that they had created a lifestyle insulated from the problems of everyday life. But as soon as she left Jon, the bubble was broken.
It wasn't long before Sue's intense feelings of love for Greg began to change. And without her passion for him, she was able to begin to see the reality of her world - a husband who loved her, children who needed her, and a lifestyle that was the envy of everyone she knew. What could she have been thinking?
The fog lifted, and Sue called Jon. He was so glad to hear from her that he could hardly talk. When she asked him how he'd feel if she returned home, he was ecstatic. By the end of the day, she was with her family again. Her return home was a good sign, but I warned Jon that Sue's awakening would probably be short-lived.
Within a week, she was back in her apartment again. She had missed Greg terribly and couldn't stop thinking about him. She had actually talked to him several times by phone, and that was all it took to redeposit many of the love units that had been lost. Once again she was crazy about him, and the illusion of the affair completely possessed her. She couldn't remember the guilt and depression she felt when separated. All she could think about was living the rest of her life with Greg.
But she wasn't back in her apartment a day before the fog lifted again and she saw the mess she was making of her life. The depression she felt was so severe that she started to think about suicide as the only way out of the terrible trap she had created. But instead of killing herself, she made an appointment with a counselor to help her think things through.
Sue had avoided talking to me because she knew I would have encouraged her to leave Greg permanently, something she didn't want to face. So she found another counselor who would agree with her. So what would the new counselor say? You can read the next post for more information. At mean time, you can check out What Is Emotional Cheating.
