Sue and Jon agreed to follow my four rules to guide their marital recovery when they first began to reconcile. Without these rules, I don't think their marriage would have survived. Couples who try to reconcile without these rules usually fail to address the issues that created the affair in the first place. Before long they find themselves back in the same hopeless marriage, tempted to engage in another affair. But the four rules enabled Sue and Jon to overcome the conditions that made her affair possible. And the new conditions that were created affair-proofed their marriage.
At first, the four rules seemed very restrictive and unnatural. That's true of most things that are new - it takes a while to get used to them. Not only were these rules new for Sue and Jon, they also contradicted most of their instincts. When they first married, they believed that they could trust their instincts. But their instincts had led them to disaster. The four rules did something their instincts couldn't do - led Sue and Jon to marital recovery.
And what a recovery it was! I'll let Sue explain how she felt about it.
Sue's Side of the Story
I'll be honest with you. At first, I didn't believe that any of these little rules would do me any good, but I went along with them because I had no other choice. Greg, the one I thought was mysoul mate, had left me because I just couldn't shake my depression, and he finalIy gave up on me. So with Greg out of the picture, I could either try to get back together with Jon or start a new relationship from the beginning. I couldn't imagine starting a new relationship, so I figured I had nothing to lose by giving Jon a second chance. I figured I owed him at least that. But I had no feelings for him at all. In fact I was repulsed by the idea of being in bed with him again.
The rules we were supposed to follow were easier than I thought, especially since l couldn't be with Greg, even if l was tempted. I realized at the time that if Greg had called to take me back, I would have jumped at the chance to be with him again. But he never called. How To Get A Lost Love Back
Since I was willing to give our marriage a chance, spending time with Jon was what I had expected to do anyway. And the rules made our time together much more enjoyable than it would have been without the rules. These rules were there to keep us from making each other unhappy and they encouraged us to have a good time.
After about a week, I was feeling a lot better about my decision to live with Jon again and I started feeling less depressed. The time we spent together was not exciting but it wasn't unpleasant either. We were not allowed to discuss my affair, and that made everything much less stressful. I couldn't imagine ever loving Jon again but I began to see how we could live together, at least until the children were grown.
The goal for us was passion, something that I just didn't think would ever be possible. For the first few weeks, even though Jon was doing everything by the book, my feelings for him did not change. I thought of him as a friend, but not as a lover. Feeling that he was my friend was encouraging, though.
We continued to follow the rules and spent most of Jon's free time together. At times I resented giving Jon so much of my time but l flgured it was a small price to pay if it would really bring our family back together.
Then one day I really felt something for Jon. It was something l hadn't felt for him in years and I was very excited. We made love with passion for the first time in over two years, and I felt as if we had never been away from each other. I loved Jon as much as I had ever loved Greg.
Unfortunately the next day the feeling was gone. Before we had the rules to follow, I would have lied to Jon about my loss of love for him. I used to think it was my marital obligation to tell him I loved him, but l didn't lie this time. I told him that my feelings for him were gone. How To Get A Lost Love Back
Jon handled the situation better than he would have before he knew about the rules. He realized that my feelings for him would eventually return if he kept depositing love units. That put much less pressure on me, and I felt more at ease when we were together.
Then, a few days later, I felt love for Jon again. I was prepared for these cyclic feelings. I was told that when Jon deposited a certain number of love units into his account with me, that would trigger my feeling of love for Jon. When the account was above that point, I would be in love with him, and when it was below that point, the feeling of love would not be there.
And that's exactly what happened. As Jon kept depositing love units, slowly but surely the days I loved Jon increased in number, and the days I didn't love him decreased. I still have a hard time believing that love units could make such a difference in how I feel. I have always cared about Jon but I now understand that my feeling of passion toward him depends on how well he meets my emotional needs. And I also understand why l felt so much passion for Greg. It was because he had met my needs, not because he was really my soul mate. My real soul mate is the man I married, Jon. And now he stirs the same passion in me that Greg used to arouse.
When I felt passion for Greg, I was convinced that he was the one I was meant to be with. Since I did not have the same feeling for Jon, l believed l had married the wrong man. But now l know that Jon was right for me all along.
I don't like to think about the nightmare I've been through. Even now, as I reflect on what happened, I start feeling depressed again. I am so grateful to Jon for waiting for me until I came to my senses. He could have left me because of everything I did. But instead, he kept reaching out to me, and that kept me from falling headlong into a pit that I don't think I could have ever survived. It was his strength that made up for my weakness, and I will always be grateful to him for his patience and commitment to me.
Sue, obviously, was happy with the outcome of their recovery. But what about Jon? How did he feel about everything he'd been through? To learn more, you can check out How To Get A Lost Love Back.
