Make Time to Talk
Agree to schedule twenty to thirty minutes of conversation, with no interruptions, at least four times each week or every other day. This is a time in which you sit down or take a walk together and talk about something that is important and meaningful to you--not schedules, not the kids, not household errands.
Then your partner does the same, talking about something important to him or her while you listen. While you can have some interaction and dialogue, the objective is to actively listen to your partner; to get to know your partner today, in this moment; and to let your partner know more about you by sharing your desires, concerns, goals, and dreams.
Sample week: November 15-22
Saturday, Nov. 15 - a.m. coffee v'
Monday, Nov. 17 after kids go to bed v'
Wednesday, Nov. 19 early walk before work v'
Friday, Nov. 21 dinner out v'
Here is a sample check-off system you can create to help you remember to schedule twenty to thirty minutes every other day or four times a week to take turns talking and listening to one another.
Reflections on Your Current Communication
Reflect for a moment on the amount you and your partner talk to each other each day, How much time is actually focused on the two of you rather than on kids, friends, family, or scheduling the next day's activities? How often do you share something important or take the time to turn off the phone or BlackBerry and really listen to each other, uninterrupted?
How do you feel about your pattern of communication? How has it changed over the years and what do you think has brought about those changes?
Now think for another moment. When would be a good time to spend twenty to thirty minutes alone together? Would it be early or late in the day? Over morning coffee or during an evening walk? After the kids are in bed at night? Will you both be wide awake? Could you possibly do this every other day or four times each week? Do you think it might be difficult to know what to say if you don't talk very much? Might you actually enjoy it?
Develop a Thread of Meaningful Communication
Your joint assignment is to incorporate regular talking and listening into your daily lives, Use the guidelines on the following pages to help you. Some of you may find this very easy; others may find it very challenging. No one is perfect. Some days or weeks will be better than others. What is important is that you start developing a communication pattern with a great deal of consistency.
This week, you can use one regular talking time to share your thoughts about the previous exercise, Reflections on Your Current Communication, and to plan a schedule of regular talking for the rest of the week.
Regular Talking/Taking Turns Listening
- Schedule twenty to thirty minutes every other day or four times per week as times to talk together,
- Allow no interruptions, Agree not to answer the doorbell or the telephone, Make sure children are either asleep, being cared for by someone else, or if they're older, instructed not to interrupt you.
- If an emergency arises, reschedule your talking time with your partner ASAP.
- If for some reason your partner stands you up, take the time anyway, Use it for reflection, perhaps writing in your notebook about the topic you had chosen to talk about, You can then share the topic with your partner later.
- Each person must talk for ten to fifteen minutes. It is OK to respond a bit or ask questions now and then; however, a guiding principle is to mostly listen to the talking partner.
- Take turns beginning the conversation. When your turn to talk arrives, choose a topic that is important to you. Do not talk about schedules or the kids. If you always talk about work or money, do not talk about these during regular talking time. Challenge yourself to talk about something that is important to you.
- It is not imperative that you agree or disagree. What is essential is to be together, to be willing to share, to open up a little, to be heard, and to do so on a regular basis.
- Try to begin to establish some consistency early on. Don't become discouraged if a few weeks go by before you find your rhythm and establish this regular talking time.
If you are interested to learn more about relationship, treat you partner as if he/she had left you and try to win them back. You can learn the tips from Pull Your Ex Back and relighting your relationship once more.
