As you use the Relighting Romance approach, you will clearly experience the many and consistent opportunities for communication and connection that are built into partnering. At first you will be guided to communicate in small increments and to apply these communications to important daily basics. Gradually you will expand these skills as you apply them to deeper issues that may have been more difficult to resolve in your past. Then you will go on to apply your new communication skills to creating your future dreams together.
Communicating and interacting, in and of themselves do not ensure that you will feel emotionally, mentally, or spiritually connected all the time. That is unrealistic. Take the example of Pete and Barb. Pete's role model was his dad, a verbally abusive alcoholic. While Pete was neither abusive nor alcoholic, under stress, such as when Barb thought they needed to spend money on the children's winter boots and finances were tight - not knowing another way - Pete reverted to the hostile refusal to discuss things he'd seen his dad use while growing up.
At first, Barb tried to reason with him, but over time, she became more and more timid. Their relationship deteriorated. It didn't matter how big or small the issue or topic, they could not talk or connect on almost anything. In desperation, they turned to Relighting Romance and learned the 10 Steps. It didn't always feel good or easy to talk - and they didn't regenerate their longed for, in-love feelings for many months as they talked through even the mundane things they had been unable to previously discuss. However, gradually a new sense of closeness developed as they consistently applied the tools you too will learn in this book.
Relighting Romance will help you create more opportunities for meaningful emotional connection, which is the stepping stone to intimacy. Using this approach, you will learn to connect frequently and consistently about everyday details as well as about your future romance.
Balancing Individuality and Mutuality
Relighting Romance brings to their relationships two distinct and unique individual selves who consciously choose to be connected. They desire to support each other's strong sense of individuality while also promoting the mutual decisions of the Our World circle they create.
Some couples find this easy to do in the beginning of a relationship, but over time - specially when children or demanding work responsibilities are introduced - remembering to take some time for each of your personal interests and for each other can be challenging. What's important is to value each other's needs as much as you value your partnership and your children's needs. Then you aim for the best balance possible, which may vary from week to week as you try to squeeze in that workout, or spend time individually with your friends.
Discounting or overlooking these needs for too long can lead to resentment. Children also do better when parents are caring for their own and each other's needs while also providing positive parenting. When couples support and work to balance both individual and couple needs, the resulting relationship becomes a mutual creation made of the inspiration, imagination, personal histories, experiences, gifts, and resources of the two partners.
Learning to Be Creative and Find New Options Together
Learning to come up with new options or solutions to your needs and problems is a skill you will want to learn through the 10 Steps in this book. Doing this together will make you feel good about yourselves and each other. The new options you invent together can be applied to everyday problems you face, such as who's going to do the meal planning, grocery shopping, and daily cooking when both of you work full time.
Creative solutions are definitely required if this is your second marriage and you are trying to meld two households and one or two sets of kids, exes, and in-laws. Coming up with new options is also necessary as children get older and are able to participate in household chores or require more juggling of schedules as you take them to games or extracurricular activities.
As you learn to problem solve together and apply your creative options to everyday issues, these wrinkles will begin to smooth out. Once this happens, Relighting Romance discovers they then have more time to develop their romance dreams together - no matter what your age or stage in relating,
Let me tell you about Harvey and Lenore. In their early fifties, each was on a second marriage. They had been together for seven years when I met them. "We are at a wonderful time of our lives and want to do something
totally different," Harvey explained. "We just don't know what that is. All we know is we want to live in a warmer climate as we get older, and we want to do something more fun!" Lenore especially wanted to live in a smaller and more eco-friendly community. Neither of them was sure how to make these parts of their dream into a whole.
"We'll probably make a change in five or six years," Harvey told me, not knowing the power of the Relighting Romance. Harvey had been a successful corporate executive for many years, and he had a love of mountain climbing, which he seldom had time to do. He wanted to try something entrepreneurial and thought one avenue might be to offer training and consulting to companies in how to go through difficult changes. Or maybe he could write. Or... he really wasn't sure. Lenore worked as an office manager for a local arts organization and wanted to remain in the arts. She also wanted to explore her writing talent.
As they had discussions about their values and dreams, Harvey and Lenore eagerly began using the 10 Steps. They started to experiment with different job ideas and traveled to explore different parts of the country where they might live. After five months, they arrived at a totally unexpected plan, all due to their brainstorming, experimenting, and exploring. Here's how Harvey explained the process:
We thought we would explore the temperate parts of the West Coast and ended up spending the last four weeks in Bend, Oregon. We met the nicest people, it's beautiful, and I've decided it's the perfect place to start a mountain climbing and hiking business for anyone - maybe even corporate execs - with treks to Mt. Hood and the surrounding area.
Harvey was jazzed. It was entrepreneurial and different from his corporate job, yet it included knowledge of what execs might need. He had met some folks doing similar things in Bend, and they had invited him to explore building this aspect of their sporting company. Lenore had fallen in love with the high desert climate and made friends with people in a local community organization that worked to protect the environment. She was enthusiastic about the area and her new job prospect:
They need someone to help them organize and write for them. I'm good at both, and it would be about twenty-five hours a week so I could also work on my novel.
Within nine months, Harvey and Lenore were excitedly closing on the sale of their home in Minneapolis and moving to Oregon. They still write or call once in a while. In our last conversation, Lenore told me,
I can't tell you how delighted we continue to be with the changes we made eleven years ago. To think that we could still be stuck in our old rut - but you got us working together and the changes happened so quickly. We are still both surprised.
If you like to have your partner sharing your dreams together, remember to use Relighting Romance techniques. If your marriage is rocky, on the lines, you can get Pull Your Ex Back and rekindle your romance once again.
