Once we become aware of the three selves within us, we feel best when we're being our Adult Self. We realize that we've overcome the hurtful parts of childhood, so why continue to revisit them by choice? Besides, the Critical Parent Self just isn't very nice to be around.
You may notice just how much time you actually spend being the Critical Parent or the Wounded Child. When I ask couples to nonludgmentaily observe their parent/adult/child selves for a week or two. many of them are astounded to discover how much time they spend as the Wounded Child and how often they bounce back and forth between the Wounded Child and the Critical Parent, feeling hurt and sad in the Wounded Child Self, then beating themselves up from the Critical Parent Self, and then feeling bad once again as a Wounded Child. They discover that they don't even require an outside person to be hurtful and critical; their own Critical Parent Self can induce the Wounded Child state - all within themselves!
You may find you have this pattern of bypassing your Adult Self at times and reverting to our Critical Parent or Wounded Child. Alternatively, you may find that when you do become your Adult Self, your repertoire of behaviors and verbal responses is small and not very strong - like muscles that are seldom used. Fix My Relationship
Relighting Romance and conversations with your partner will enable you to exercise your "muscles" as you develop your Adult Self. In addition, practicing all 10 Steps in this blog will give your Adult Self a larger, more flexible set of tools, skills, behaviors, and responses you can use for a lifetime.
Every adult I have worked with has at least a small Adult Self repertoire. You may easily slip into your repertoire around colleagues, coworkers, friends, or new acquaintances. We all use our best adult behavior in public; it is in our private, most personal relationships - with romantic partners and family - that all of our Wounded Child and Critical Parent buttons are pushed and we forget to stay adult.
It is the task of maturing to grow your Adult Self and to spend almost all of our time interacting from within it. If you discover you have weak adult "muscles," start by identifying the muscles that you do have. Then look around for positive adult role modeling. How do other adults behave, interact, and commmlicate when they are at their best?
A key phrase I like to offer people is to always behave with "grace and dignity." Everyone immediately understands grace, dignity, and respect, These concepts summarize and encompass the essence of the Adult Self.
In addition, I recommend reading about healthy adult development. Talk to friends. Find a mentor or coach. Observe and interact with other people you admire. Read biographies and autobiographies of people you admire for their grace, their dignity, and the respect they inspire. Participate in your church or community. Give to others who are less fortunate, Gravitate to people and activities that challenge your thinking and your emotional and spiritual growth. All of these exercise the muscles of healthy adulthood.
If you have not yet learned enough adult behaviors and responses, it is not too late, regardless of your age. If both you and your partner work to strengthen your Adult Selves, you will have the inner strength - the adult "muscles" - to tackle the Relighting Romance adventure as you continue to build your rock-solid partnership. Fix My Relationship
Handling Emotions as an Adult
Sometimes your Adult Self may need something as simple as a refresher in table manners or social graces to feel competent in the larger world. Sometimes your Adult Self may need something more complex such as new ways to communicate with your boss or a coworker. Sometimes we need to know the boundaries of sexuality or how to stay adult in heated discussions or arguments. Trying to resolve stressful grown-up matters - your partner's insensitive behavior or your hurt feelings when your partner seems unaware of your needs - is futile when one or both of you become childish or critical.
According to TA, our Parent, Adult, and Child selves always exist. We carry each within us forever. They do not grow up or go away. Even if you successfully strengthen your adult muscles, in stressful or trigger situations you may still revert to the behaviors of a Wounded Child or the Critical Parent. The adult emotions are appropriate and effective. The Wounded Child emotions are valid as well; they are just not very effective in getting what you want and need in your adult life. The Critical Parent should be avoided altogether.
In couple relationships, if one or both individuals try to have their needs met when in a Wounded Child state, the result can be damaging and frustrating.
Next post, we'll talk about another case study about Ivan, who is married to Marlene. At mean time, you can learn how to repair your relationship by getting Fix My Relationship today!
