Why is it that we rarely manage to resolve with our partner those constant arguments about the little things in life? We spend so much energy hassling over whose turn it is to wash the dishes, why the kids aren't finishing their breakfast, or which set of in-laws to invite for the holidays.
How To Romance will provide you with a set of tools to apply solutions to daily problems. For each couple, the list of issues that cause frequent arguments will be different, but you'll do an inventory so you can pinpoint the ones that nag you the most. You'll cover everything from finances and chores to parenting, in-laws, friendships, and vacations.
You will be guided toward creative problem solving with your partner, so the two of you don't have to spend all of your energy on the same day to today problems. Former problem areas will become comfortable, agreed upon routines. As a result, your creative energies will be freed up for your Relighting Romance dreams and visions or for simply more fun and play.
Your Relighting Romance Adventure
As you begin this adventure together, think about where you've been and where you might be headed. What has characterized your relationship to this point in your lives, and how would you like it to look a year from now?
Reflect on your assessment of styles of relating. Most people start out with a combination of styles and work toward becoming Relighting Romance Partners all the time. Partnering requires a lot of consciousness and a bit of effort, but the short- and long- term benefits are many.
In the coming posts, I will walk you through all 10 Steps of Relighting Romance Partnering so you can learn to communicate, interact, and create the outcomes the two of you most desire. This process will sometimes lead - or even force you to come up with entirely new and unexpected options. As you learn to partner, not only will you find yourselves discovering mutually agreeable solutions to previously unresolved problems, but also you'll enjoy more fun and spontaneity.
As you apply the 10 Steps of Relighting Romance Partnering to such conflicts, you'll discover, to your delight, that the two of you have grown closer-and happier - in the process.
Discover Your Relationship Style Exercises
The Styles of Relating on Your Family Tree
In the following exercises you will have the opportunity to reflect on the relationship influences you experienced growing up, as well as those in your extended-family history.
Each of you should individually make a sketch of your personal family tree. Begin with the branches closest to you, then your parents, grandparents, and greatgrandparents. Don't forget to include members of blended families, especially stepparents.
Now look at your family tree. Identify which of the four styles of relating each of these couples modeled. (Some information may come from your direct experiences; some, from stories you've heard about these relatives.)
How do you think you were influenced or affected positively and negatively - by these role models?
When you think about the style of relating you would like to develop, how does your family tree influence your current choices? Write about your reflections in your notebook. You will share with your partner shortly.
Bringing Your Relationship Experience Together
At this point, come together to share and compare your responses to the individual exercises you completed. As you share your responses to these exercises, simply listen to each other.
First share with each other your lists of what is happening when things are going well between you and when things are not going well. Simply note where you are similar.
Then place your family trees next to each other. Take turns describing the influences that come from your respective family histories. Again, listen quietly and carefully as you each share your family patterns and how they had an impact on you when relating both positively and negatively.
Then take out your assessment of styles of your current relationship. Tell each other which style or combination of styles you think typifies your relationship right now. Does your relationship most resemble the Traditional, Merged, Roommate, or Relighting Romance Style, or some combination of these four?
Tell your partner why you chose each style in your assessment. Listen to each other's experience and talk about how your relationship has evolved over time. What were the various turning points, such as having a child, a promotion at work that led to longer hours, a family illness, a friend's divorce, and so on, when the underlying style changed? Can you identify together what might have caused the change?
Take turns talking and listening to how you scored the various styles and what is satisfying or dissatisfying. Then listen especially to each other's dreams about whether you are satisfied with the style of relating that characterizes your relationship today.
Look at both (communication, your relationship as a whole, then various aspects of it conflict resolution, shared interests, sex life, household management, etc.). Take turns talking about how you would like your relationship style to change. Write your responses and what you learned in your notebook.
Save what you've written to help you work toward becoming more loving and intimate partners in the coming weeks as you incorporate the 10 Steps of Relighting Romance Partnering.
