Ivan married four years to Marlene, talked about how the Child and Parent play out in their relationship at times:
When I'm feeling vulnerable, I sure can't show it around Marlene. She expects me always to be strong and lectures me about all the ways I could improve my situation. I end up feeling like she's trying to be my mother. I know she doesn't want this either, but it leaves me feeling unmanly, and extremely angry with her in the long run. She says she feels trapped by my behavior when I'm needy like that and doesn't know how to respond in a positive way. She tries, but we both lose out.
Learning to stay in their Adult Selves has improved Ivan and Marlene's situation immensely.
Penny. who has been living with Mike for nine months, said the two ofthem are also grappling with the parent/child predicament:
I feel so out of sorts these days and I don't think Mike knows what to do, so he just goes silent on me. I cry and make a scene when he's not home on time, and I miss him or am worried about him. I feel so immature, yet I can't keep myself from acting this way. I know everything is OK between us, but moving in together is more stressful than I could have imagined. Cheap Romantic Ideas
Jelxane and Julia have come up with their own strategies for staying adult. Said Julia,
It's taken a few years but now when one of us is feeling down, or hurt, or little, the other one tries to stay adult and just listens until the feelings subside.
Jerome added,
I think we are also both better at nurturing our own wounds, talking to our friends, or going for a walk or ran when we are initially hurt. Then we come back and talk later when we feel able to talk more calmly. Sometimes, by then, the feelings have gone away. If not, we quickly clear the air.
According to TA, we need to become our own best caregivers, You are the adult who now needs to nurture your own inner child. Looking to your partner for "parenting" will lead to inequality and imbalance in your relationship.
Your Adult Self needs to take responsibility for your Child Self. You need to let the adult part listen to this child or take yourself "out to play" and give yourself attention when your feelings have been wounded and the hurt is not resolved. If your Adult Self does not protect and care for the child inside you, it is like having a three-year-old in your care and walking away when the child is hurting. If you let your Critical Parent take over, it's like punishing a small child with shame or blame. Cheap Romantic Ideas
It is important that you learn to care for your inner child from a loving adult so you don't inappropriately lay this burden on your mate. Examples:
- Your healthy Adult Self knows the old habits you may fall into when you visit your family. The Adult Self can visit your extended family and leave your Child Self at home - safe and protected.
- Your healthy Adult Self knows how to get through a difficult or heated discussion when your Child Self feels afraid or acquiesces out of fear or uncertainty.
- Your healthy Adult Self knows how to stand up for yourself in an assertive way when someone is bullying you.
- While your Child Self may not know how to say no, your healthy Adult Self can do so when appropriate.
- Your healthy Adult Self can take your Child Self out for ice cream or comfort you when you need a good cry.
- Your healthy Adult Self knows how to have good, intimate sex. The Adult Self also knows not to engage in sex if you are feeling little hurt or needy.
- Your healthy Adult Self can remind your Child Self that making mistakes is part of learning, that there's nothing to be ashamed of, and that you'll be able to do better next time. Cheap Romantic Ideas
In the following post, you will continue to identify your Parent, Child, and Adult selves. Incorporate with individual reflections from earlier posts. Becoming acquainted with your responses will help you to stay positive with your partner and strengthen the adult/adult interactions between you.
Take our time and complete these exercises thoroughly on your own. Later you will come together to share your discoveries.
Once you become fully aware of your three selves, change will come more easily. The main task is to ask yourself is, "Am I using these selves wisely? How do I revert to the Critical Parent or the Wounded Child when I am under stress? How does reverting affect my interactions with people and especially my partnership? Does my Adult Self need some muscle building? Which eharaeteristit of my Adult Self do I need to work on?"
As you will he indentifying both positive and negative characteristics in yourself and your partner, try to remain nonjudgmental, yet truthful. Learn how to improve your relationship by getting - Cheap Romantic Ideas.
