The Parent Self
Carole and Bob, married eleven years, have a natural ability to spread goodwill and warmth to everyone in their lives. Their affection for their rambunctious two-year-old twins, Alec and Tim, is obvious. Everyone would say they are fantastic parents. One parent is always watching over their active boys, gently wiping a runny nose, drying tears, distracting them when they take each other's toys, rocking them when they get sleepy, singing and telling them bedtime stories.
Observing Carole and Bob, you'd note they are just as kind to the family pet - big yellow Lab named Max, who guards over the boys patiently as they crawl all over him - as they are to their children.
Carole and Bob worked hard to develop a strong partnership early in their relationship. When they met, each had prior relationship experiences that made them conscious of wanting to make changes. They knew that if they were to have a long life together they had to talk and make many decisions together.
They wanted to be sure their values and priorities were clear and consistent. They would need to not only have fun, but also they would have to resolve differences and go through disappointment and trials just as they would go through wonderful times.
Carole and Bob were aware that being "in love" was wonderful, but it was not enough to make a lasting partnership. They knew that their respective families had both positive and negative role modeling. They wanted to keep the good and learn new ways to interact and communicate, so they would not carry on anything negative. In addition, Carole and Bob also wanted children, so they were highly motivated to become the healthiest, most mature and loving people they could become - for each other and for the children they desired.
You may recognize a similar longing to feel fully mature and effective in your relationship; you may share a desire to model healthy interactions and communications for your children's learning, as well as for your own sense of success. Through the lessons you will learn in this blog, Bob and Carole mastered Step 4, learning how to distinguish this Adult Self from their Parent and Child selves.
Bob and Carole started their family in their late thirties, so their parents were older, and Carole's needed much attention and physical care. Carole and Bob shared these responsibilities with Carole's three siblings, who commented on how loving Carole and Bob were to Carole's parents. In fact, Bob and Carole were as caring and nurturing toward Carole's parents as they were toward their children, Alec and Tim.
In their roles as caregivers to their children, and now their parents, Bob and Carole acted in their role as positive Parent Selves. The Parent Self has both positive characteristics and negative or unhealthy characteristics. You internalized these characteristics as you observed adult behaviors toward you and around you when you were a child. Early role models may include our parents as well as older siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, babysitters, and teachers.
As we grow older, the behaviors and attitudes of the parent figures around us are unconsciously internalized, until they seem like "a part of us." They simply feel like your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
If you look at Parent Self, the positive aspects of this state are nurturing and caring, as Bob and Carole were with their parents and kids. These are the way we care for a child, a pet, or very sick or old parents.
Some Positive Parent Aspects:
- Nurturing children
- Caring for a sick or elderly people
- Showing affection for animals
The negative or unhealthy side of the Parent Self is called the Critical Parent. The Critical Parent embodies the characteristics you have internalized that are not only critical, but also shaming, blaming, judging, being selfrighteous, or angry. It may be spoken criticism or a silent judgmental vibe. Sometimes giving someone the cold shoulder, showing a look of disgust, rolling the eyes in utter dismay, or even shunning a person for a time demonstrates the Critical Parent.
You may recognize this as pointing an angry finger at others or even pointing it at yourself. Carole and Bob's experiences provide an example. In talking about her husband, Carole said,
Bob is sometimes his own worst enemy. He's a wonderful man, and he's a perfectionist. I can tell when he's letting himself down. He'll become quiet and sullen. Once in a while he'll pick on me or become critical of the twins. It's not usually like him. But it does remind me of how his dad always snaps at his wife - Bob's mom - and talks down to anyone who doesn't follow the old man's rules for how to live life.
He sure knows how to make a person feel worthless! I think that's why Bob has become so loving in his own life - not wanting to be like his father in that way. Yet it comes out when he doesn't live up to his own expectations. I'll find out later that he overlooked someone at the office, or that someone he supervises made a mistake and Bob feels he handled it poorly. He can get himself coming and going.
Some Negative or Critical Parent Aspects:
- Shaming
- Blaming
- Judging
- Anger
- Shunning
- Criticism
- Self-righteousness
Just like Bob, many people are their own worst Critical Parent - they need no one else to blame them or point a shaming finger at them. They do it to themselves, silently and internally. If you ask Bob how this feels he'd say he feels sullen and self-critical and he goes into shame. He feels like a negative father figure disgusted with himself.
It's best not to spend any time in the Critical Parent state, because it is demeaning, detrimental to self-esteem, and harmful to you and any relationship. Instead, I will show you the benefits and behaviors of developing a strong Adult Self.
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