Problem #1: Believing That Great Sex = A Great Relationship
I don't want to stereotype the genders here, but it's been proven repeatedly that women equate sex to love more so than men. In fact, many women need to feel that there's the potential for a long-term relationship before they'll even think about having sex.
Men, on the other hand, can and will copulate with someone just for the pleasure derived from the act itself. Naturally, some men need to feel a special connection, but others are able to have great sex with women they don't really care that much about. These guys can move on without looking back.
Women are often left wondering why their relationships ended after weeks or months of awesome sex. The reality is that a few nights of sex does not automatically lead to a committed, monogamous relationship.
Solution #1
You need to accept the fact that a great relationship will be based on more than sparks in the bedroom. Just because someone wants to have sex with you doesn't mean that they also want to spend the rest of their life with you. Realize that different people have different motivations for having sex - for example, they enjoy the physicality of it, they need to feel "wanted" for a brief period of time, they use sex as a tool to draw you in, and so on. There are many more psychological reasons that drive sexual behavior, but suffice it to say that not all of them are honorable.
So wise up about the meaning of sex in a relationship. After all, many couples are able to enjoy hot, passionate nights of steamy romance, only to argue and fight their way through the rest of the relationship. It's difficult for them to see things clearly because "We're having great sex!" Hold out for the entire package - wonderful sexual experience and a great nonsexual partnership with your mate. What Is Intimacy In Marriage
Problem #2: Inability to Achieve Orgasm
Again, this problem used to be stereotypically thought of as a female one. However, there are men who can engage in sexual activity and never reach the point of orgasm. This is less common than the reverse case in which the man ejaculates too quickly, but it can still present a problem.
No matter which partner this issue affects, it's incredibly frustrating for both people and can lead to tension in the relationship. The first person starts thinking, Why can't I have an orgasm? There has to be something seriously wrong, while the other thinks, I'm not satisfying my parther enough if they can't climax when we have sex.
The orgasm has come to represent the benchmark of a mutually satisfying sexual experience, yet I believe that sex doesn't have to end with an orgasm. I've debated this point with many colleagues and friends who feel that orgasms are a must, but my opinion remains the same: By only focusing attention and energy on the end result (the orgasm), you and your partner may miss out on other important parts of sex, such as foreplay and just being together. Of course that's not to say that you shouldn't shoot for a great orgasm - the point is that by thinking about it too much, you'll decrease your chances of achieving one.
So what should you do if you or your partner find it difficult to fully enjoy sex? After all, both people deserve to achieve the ultimate pleasure in their sex life, even if one partner reaches an orgasm more readily.
Solution #2
I'm going to list the most common reasons why some people are unable to climax during sex. After each point, we'll look at a potential solution that may work for you or your partner.
- Primary anorgasmia. This means that you've never had an orgasm, even through masturbation. There are a small number of people who just cannot reach the point of orgasm, no matter what technique is used. So the first question to ask is whether you've ever had an orgasm. If you don't know what an orgasm feels like, there are several books that describe the experience in great detail read up on it.
Next, see your gynecologist or urologist to rule out any medical problems. There are conditions (such as diabetes, uterine or penile problems, thyroid complications, or depression) that can lessen the ability to have an orgasm. If your doctor clears you, then it's time to examine psychological causes. Baggage from your childhood, unpleasant sexual experiences, and other inhibitions can make you anorgasmic, and therapy can certainly help you deal with these issues and enhance your sexual experience.
- You're not properly stimulated during sex. This is probably the most common reason for not achieving an orgasm. The bottom line is that the right parts of you must be stimulated with the right amount of touch - if this doesn't happen, you probably won't climax. And believe it or not, intercourse can actually get in the way! You or your partner may need other forms of stimulation to finally let go enough to achieve orgasm. Generally speaking, for a woman the clitoris needs to be stimulated, for it's the spot that has the greatest chance of producing an orgasm. (The clitoris is located at the top of the vaginal opening on the outside and looks like a small, round, raised area.) For a man, the penis needs the right frequency of stimulation with some lubrication.
So how will your partner know what to do? The answer is simple - you need to tell or show them what feels good. If you can bring yourself to orgasm, then your partner should be able to replicate the same technique for you. This leads to the third cause. What Is Intimacy In Marriage
- Your partner is unwilling to do what it takes to help you reach orgasm. Some people are really selfish, and others just aren't gifted in the sexual arena and have poor form and technique, but you can overcome these obstacles. You need to be with someone who's willing to learn, and to take the time to improve things for both of you. What this means on a practical level is that if your partner climaxes first, they'll continue to do whatever is necessary to help you orgasm. However, if they consistently won't work with you, that's a big problem, which encompasses more than just sex - it's a symptom of disrespect and selfishness.
- You can't relax enough during sex to let go. Sex can be anxiety-provoking, especially if you're with a new partner or have various hang-ups about your body. In addition, stressors related to work or children can impact your moods and make it difficult for you to relax. Whatever the case, your anxiety level can tremendously affect your ability to have an orgasm.
The first thing to do is to identify any potential causes of nervousness and then attempt to put them aside while you have sex. I know this is easier said than done, but here's a great technique that's useful for many people. First, see if you can answer this question: "What should I be thinking about during the actual lovemaking session?" The answer is one word: "Nothing." Really try to put everything out of your head, and only focus on the sensations in your body. Successful orgasms come about after you relax enough to let it happen, which means that you may not have your best orgasms with a new partner. As you start to feel more comfortable with your partner (and practice makes perfect!), you'll increase the odds of a pleasurable outcome.
- You just don't want to have sex at that particular moment. You may be tired, angry at your partner, or just not in the mood for sex. That's okay. Give yourself and your partner a break and try again on another day. No one can climax every time they have sex ... so enjoy whatever does happen.
Finally remember that if you and your partner just can't get in synch, then it may be time for a trip to your friendly sex therapist or counselor. Don't be ashamed - this could be quite helpful and get you back on the right track. To learn more, you can check out What Is Intimacy Marriage.
