Argument #4: You Hurt My Feelings!
It's a given that you're occasionally going to get your feelings hurt in a relationship. After all, if you plan on relating to other people on any kind of intimate level, then there will be times when they say something that really digs deep. Hopefully these words will be said unintentionally, and you'll make up and go on. Your significant other should never deliberately say mean things to you or consistently be inconsiderate. I can't tell you the number of people I've seen who get treated with disrespect in their intimate relationship, but then say it's all right because "We love each other." This is just unacceptable - the outcome can only be a lowering of self-esteem.
Here's a little exercise I'd like you and your partner to try in the next day or so. I'll bet that both of you will be quite surprised by the results, and you may even start to treat each other with more consideration.
For one week I want you each to keep track of every remark or action emanating from your partner that you consider disrespectful or hurtful. Don't overanalyze your reactions too much or worry about whether you're justified or not. Then, at the end of the week (and not before!), share your lists with each other.
The point of this exercise isn't to dwell on a laundry list of complaints, but to open up a line of communication. A lot of times your partner may not even know the things that make you feel bad about yourself. So this isn't just an educational experience - it's also a way to initiate a process of respect and kindness toward one another. I know that you can pull this off because I've seen many other couples benefit greatly from it. How To Be Successful In Marriage
The key is to say out loud that your feelings were hurt, and to then tell your partner why their actions or words seemed so disrespectful. For example, if remarks were made about your weight, the process would go something like this:
"On Wednesday you called me fat and said that I should lose some weight before we can have good sex again. That really hurt my feelings and made me feel bad about myself."
I know this may be difficult for you to say, but the alternative is to allow a pattern of spiteful remarks to continue. It seems only fair to let your partner know what bothers you so they have a chance to change.
At this point you may be thinking of worst-case scenarios, such as your partner not taking this seriously at all and continuing to be mean-spirited or rude to you. Maybe you're envisioning your partner trying to talk you out of your emotions with statements such as: "That shouldn't hurt your feelings," or "What's the big deal? Get over it and stop acting like a baby!" In either case, if you do get this type of response, you've got larger problems in the relationship, because you have a partner who doesn't want to make you feel good. Your relationship is in serious trouble.
Remember that at the top of the relationship pyramid is the challenge to do one thing each day that makes your partner feel good about themselves. A partner who puts you down is doing the exact opposite. Consequently, the product of relationship disrespect is a chronic feeling of undesirability - that you have nothing to offer or aren't attractive or smart enough to be of any value. How To Be Successful In Marriage
It isn't unreasonable to want your partner to be aware of how their actions impact your psyche. So if you make it clear that certain things are hurtful and the pattern still continues, you'll have to make a difficult decision regarding the real worth of this relationship. It isn't any fun to be with a partner who doesn't want to spend any time with you - but it's even more painful to have a partner who is around you but does things to make you feel bad. The only outcome will be many days of arguments, and eventually, loneliness. You shouldn't have to "toughen up" to handle a partner who doesn't care about your happiness. You deserve better than that.
The Next Step
I know that the previous few posts contain a lot of information for you to digest, but I hope that it will help you categorize your emotions and allow you to see the basis for most of the arguments you have with your partner. The next time you feel angry after a conflict with your partner, ask yourself, "What is this really about? Did I not get what I really wanted? Did I not get heard? Did my partner get lazy and do nothing about the problem? Did my feelings get hurt?"
The tips in this blog will be tremendously helpful in putting you on the road to successful conflict management. You will have opened the door so that you and your partner can have a constructive discussion on the specifics of the situation.
Now we need to go on to the next logical step in becoming a great relationship problem solver. After the conflict is put out on the table for open discussion, you must both then enter into a process of negotiation and compromise. I know this sounds more like a business proposition, but it's really about the business of your intimate relationship. To learn more, you can check out How To Be Successful In Marriage.
