Problem #3: Sex-Drive Discrepancies
In an ideal world, you and your partner would want to have sex at exactly the same frequency: If you want sex three times a day, your partner would agree; if your partner wanted sex once a month, this would be fine with you, too. Unfortunately, things don't tend to be that neat in the world of sex, and people naturally desire different amounts. This can lead to big problems as feelings get hurt and egos get stepped on.
This isn't gender specific - some people may be satisfied with virtually no sex in the relationship, while others need sex almost every day (and sometimes multiple times in the same day).
Why is there such a discrepancy in sex drives from person to person? Science has yet to come up with a good explanation, except to say that it's probably a combination of genetics and psychology. So what can you do?
Solution #3
You and your partner absolutely need to discuss the sex-drive issue, because sexual frustration is one of the main reasons why people go for days without talking or even begin to cheat on each other. There's no right or wrong answer to how often you should have sex - for some couples it may be every day, and for others it may be every year - but you should both somewhat agree on the frequency. So the solution to this problem can actually be stated in steps that build on themselves:
- Step 1. You need to make every reasonable attempt to be with a partner who shares a sex-drive level close to yours. (If you don't believe in premarital sex, then this will be a bit difficult to determine, since you won't know what naturally feels right.) When you start to have sex with someone, ask yourself if their level of desire generally matches yours. For example, a friend of mine wanted to have sex several times a week, yet he dated a person who thought that once a month was appropriate. Everything else was great - they had similar interests and loved to be together - but the sex issue ultimately ended the relationship. How To Make A Healthy Relationship
- Step 2: Take action if your or your partner's sex drive significantly changes during the course of your relationship. When people lose family members; have children; or experience financial, health, or family problems, their sex drive can be affected. So you need to openly discuss, and really try to understand, why your partner is having difficulty with sex. Remember that sex is usually the first thing to go when there are other problems not being worked through.
Next, back off a bit and stop trying to guilt-trip your partner into having sex with you more often. This is difficult to do when you really desire frequent intercourse, but keep in mind that pressuring someone to have sex with you will never lead to good sex. (However, you should set a reasonable timetable with your partner to resolve the problem - if it goes on too long, you both should seek therapy.)
- Step 3: This is a controversial stance, but I believe that if the rest of the relationship is fulfilling, you may need to have sex every once in a while even if you aren't totally into it at that particular moment. You can do this occasionally to please your partner and make them happy. Part of maintaining a relationship is the realization that at times you may have to give in to your partner. Of course, this compromise then needs to be appreciated by your partner and reciprocated in the future,
Problem #4: Different Sexual Tastes
I once counseled a woman who felt badgered by her husband to perform oral sex, which was a practice that repulsed her. Unfortunately, this became an issue that threatened their entire relationship because her husband wanted fellatio desperately and told her that he'd go elsewhere to get it if she didn't comply. They were at a real impasse because neither one wanted to back down.
Another time I treated a man whose wife told him that she wanted to join a swingers' club and bring other people into their sex lives "just to add some excitement." He was shocked and felt that his wife was just looking for a way to legally cheat on him. This caused a huge rift in their relationship, and they almost split up because of it.
These two examples illustrate that there may be a major disagreement between partners with respect to what they each want and are willing to do sexually. If the behavior is illegal, physically/emotionally harmful, or obviously destructive to the relationship in general, then the decision should be easy: Don't do it. However, many sexual practices fall into a gray area - they're important to one partner and unattractive to the other. So how do you navigate through the problem of sexual practices that turn you off, weighed against the problem of hurting your partner's feelings when you say no? How To Make A Healthy Relationship
Solution #4
Most of us just hop into bed and don't ask questions - later we find out that our partner enjoys certain sexual behaviors that completely turn us off. Either way, it's a lose-lose situation: If you refuse to do something that makes you uncomfortable, your partner will be mad: if you do agree, then your principles will be compromised and you may even feel used.
So it's your responsibility, to find out sooner than later exactly what your partner enjoys in the bedroom - you need to talk about it and ask specific questions! This may not be the best topic for a first date, but you won't want to be unpleasantly surprised months or years later when your partner asks you to have sex with someone else while he or she watches, for example.
You also need to make it crystal clear what you will and will not do sexually. (There's no use holding back this information so that you won't offend someone - it will only lead to bigger problems down the road.) If your partner ignores your sexual boundaries, then this is a sign of disrespect. I know people who will bring up the "taboo topic" once every few months, after their partner has said no repeatedly. This is not only rude, but it's tiring as well. It's perfectly acceptable to tell your partner to back off and concentrate on the positives instead of what they're not getting.
Finally, if you've been up front and clear on your sexual "do's and don'ts" and your partner still insists on trying the unacceptable behaviors, then sex is being used as a means of control and intimidation. This is usually a sign of other bad things to come. Moreover, if your partner uses the old excuse for cheating that "I had to get it somewhere else since you wouldn't do it for me," you're better off ending this relationship as soon as you can. To learn more, you can check out How To Make A Healthy Relationship.
