Problem #5: A Child with Behavioral Problems
Sometimes, because of genetic illnesses or chemical imbalances, children are unable to control their behavior and emotions, even with understanding and supportive parents who set reasonable limits. These kids need outside assistance, and it's up to you to get it for them.
I'm not talking about kids who occasionally act out and hit their brothers and sisters or who won't clean up their room. Hitting, temper tantrums, and defiance are within the normal realm of childhood behaviors, to a certain degree. The critical thing for you and your partner to gauge is the frequency and intensity of this behavior. I'm not going to kid you this can be very difficult. You're entering a gray zone when you try to determine the fine line between normal and abnormal behavior. Codependent Behavior In Relationships
There are some obvious warning signs that your kids are in trouble, including the following:
- They don't reach developmental milestones and seem to lag behind the curve.
- They engage in self-destructive behavior such as head-banging or intentionally inflicting harm on themselves.
- They're never able to sleep through the night.
- They find it difficult to be away from you for a short period of time (more so than other children and their parents).
- They tear up the house repeatedly (beyond throwing toys around during playtime).
- They hallucinate or are severely depressed and lethargic.
Solution #5
I believe that an integral part of good parenting is your willingness to learn new skills. There are entire sections in bookstores that deal with parenting, and your pediatrician can also provide you with literature and resources that will be of tremendous help.
Most of the resources will agree on one thing, though - if your child has a learning, behavioral, or emotional disorder (which has been properly diagnosed by an expert), your job as the parent becomes that much more important. You'll be giving your child a fighting chance if both you and your partner are able to consistently set firm limits that are explained to your child and then enforced. This is no time for haphazard or inconsistent boundaries, so you and your partner have to function as a team.
You'll need to learn about your child's disorder - treatment, diagnosis, prognosis, and outcomes; and you may, unfortunately, need to consider psychiatric treatment for your child, which may include psychotherapy and/or medication management.
And if you need to enroll your child in a special program or school, please don't think that this is a reflection on you. Know that you're being a better parent by giving your child every possible chance to succeed.
I'd like to finish up by noting a few other very important points. You and your partner will undoubtedly disagree at times about the care of your children. There's nothing wrong with this, unless the children get put into the middle of your own personal and relationship problems. This often happens when parents aren't getting along or are divorced, but no child should be the go-between or the moderator of family conflicts. Whenever you hear yourself say something like "Go tell your daddy (or mommy) that I'm angry about __," please catch yourself. Children should never negotiate adult relationship problems! Codependent Behavior In Relationships
It isn't my goal to school you on child-rearing, but you and your partner absolutely need to do the following for your children:
- Make them feel safe at home. Arguing about your relationship problems in front of them won't accomplish this goal.
- Tell your kids when you've made a mistake when dealing with them.
- Don't blame your children for your marital or relationship issues - and it certainly isn't right to force them to choose one parent over another.
- Let your kids feel secure enough to share things with you, without the threat of excessive criticism.
- Allow your kids to have real childhoods - don't place adult responsibilities on them prematurely.
- Sit down with your partner and decide on a fair set of punishments and rewards that you both agree upon. Your children should always know what to expect when they act in a certain way.
- Most of your kids' life lessons won't be taught in a classroom at school, so you two have to be their teachers and role models.
