Jealousy is an incredibly complex emotion caused by the fear of losing someone or something to a rival. And it's so common that if I had to pick one motivating force behind wars, crime, violence, and greed, jealousy would certainly top the list.
But notice that I also included the word control in the title of this post. That's because a jealous person will almost always attempt to control the actions and emotions of their partner, for if someone is controlled, they'll hypothetically be less likely to abandon their significant other. Therefore, by being in charge and making the rules, the jealous partner feels more secure. And so:
Insecurity and low self-esteem -> leads to the emotion of jealousy -> leads to controlling behavior.
So we can see that a partner who tries to control is really experiencing internal turmoil, which is a symptom of an underlying insecurity, Now they can be seen in a different light - as someone who lacks confidence and feels unsure about their own ability to secure someone's love. Therefore, the controlling partner is really showing a "false self" to the world in an attempt to cover up their own fears and anxieties. What Is A Good Relationship Like
I think that the answer to dealing with a consistently jealous and controlling partner is quite simple - get out of the relationship! But this isn't necessarily easy to accomplish, especially when you're afraid that your partner will do whatever they can to force you to stay with them.
Remember, their fear of losing you will fuel the jealousy, so it's natural for them to up the ante when you realize that you've had enough and want to leave. They may even threaten retribution, physical violence, stalking, or suicide, but this craziness should only convince you even more that you need to extricate yourself from the relationship.
There are a number of problems associated with jealousy and control, so let's just examine the most serious ones.
Problem #1: Your Nice, Rational Partner Suddenly Turns into a Raving Lunatic
In the beginning, your partner swept you off your feet. As you were wined and dined and lavished with gifts and attention, you felt as if you were in a dream. Everything was going beautifully, and you fell in love. But then, the tone changed dramatically. Instead of wanting to see you every day, this person wanted to keep track of you every day. You were encouraged to stop seeing your friends and family. The flowers stopped arriving, and the romance dried up. Despite your hopes and prayers, things never went back to the way they were, and you found that you were stuck with a jealous, controlling partner.
At that point it may have seemed impossible to leave the relationship because the more you were controlled and pushed around, the more you felt threatened and insecure. But freedom can be a reality. Read on.
Solution #1
First, ask yourself the following question: "Am I doing anything to warrant this jealousy?" If you are - for example, you're staying out all night, cheating, acting suspiciously, or excluding your partner from parts of your life - then the jealousy may be a reasonable response to your behavior.
But if you aren't doing anything to cause your partner to become jealous and controlling, then you have to take action to address the situation immediately: You must sit, down with your partner and tell them the following: "I cannot be with a jealous and controlling person. I know that you think that acting this way will make it less likely for me to leave you. But the opposite is going to happen - this behavior will push me away even quicker. If you continue to act this way, I can't be with you. You need to back off and let me be who I am."
They'll probably say that they just want you to be happy; they may even try to get you to admit that you're considering ending the relationship (making them justified in their jealousy). Don't fall for this manipulation. The longer you allow your partner to be the dominant force, the harder it will be to change the pattern.
If you can't do what I've suggested, then consider the following: Jealousy usually doesn't get better by itself - in fact, things usually get worse, progressing to much more punitive methods of control, including verbal and physical abuse.
Also keep in mind that a partner who comes on really strong early in the relationship (and wants to be with you every waking moment) may be the type to exhibit intense jealousy and control later on. Just because someone seems like a prince at first doesn't necessarily mean that they won't turn back into a frog as the relationship progresses. What Is A Good Relationship Like
Problem #2: Your Partner Tries to Isolate You from Others
The movie Sleeping with the Enemy, starring Julia Roberts and Patrick Bergin, shows in graphic detail what can happen if you become isolated and totally dependent on a controlling partner. If you've never seen it, here's a synopsis: Julia and Patrick's characters are married and live in a remote beach house. She has no friends, family members, or close associates nearby, as he's gotten her to believe that she needs to get away from all of her old people and "start fresh" with him. He does the shopping and goes to work while she sits isolated and helpless in their home.
As soon as he returns each day, he checks the house thoroughly to make sure that she's had no visitors. He also demands that she act "perfectly" for him that is, he measures how straight the towels are hung or how tidy the cupboards are. Anything out of step incites him to beat her.
The cycle of physical abuse continues to the point that she fakes her own death to start a new life in another town a thousand miles away (Since this is a Hollywood movie, the husband hunts her down, thus setting the stage for an explosive and violent ending.)
I certainly hope that your relationship doesn't turn out like this, but the point I'm trying to make is that you need to stay in touch with your friends and family even if you're in a dream relationship. Isolation could make you dependent on a jealous and controlling significant other, which is a terrible position to be in.
Solution #2
You must do two things to avoid this relationship problem:
- Make every attempt to keep in touch with your loved ones. It's downright rude to ignore your friends and family members just because you're flying high. What happens if you crash? Will you have done so much damage to your connection with them that you have no one to turn to during the rough times? Plus, it's never good to relate to just one other person - you need some variety in your life.
- If your partner tells you to drop your friends and family, know that this is extremely selfish and disrespectful. It's also a warning sign that your partner is highly insecure and jealous, which could get out of hand as the relationship progresses. You're nobody's possession, so you shouldn't be told whom to associate with. Adamantly resist your partner's wish to isolate you from the world - don't let them wield that much power over you.
