Problem #3: Differing Disciplinary Styles
Discipline and limit-setting are perhaps the most important tasks you'll be charged with as parents. How you master this as a couple will go a long way in determining your child's personality and future achievements. This means that you both need to agree on the style and degree of punishments meted out; and more important, realize that the discipline needs to be fair and consistent. But be sure that you have a very good reason to punish your child - don't randomly dole it out just because you've had a bad day.
Here's the way things usually play out for parents: Whatever you received in the way of discipline as a child will tend to be how you choose to treat your kids. It's human nature to do what we've known or experienced, but some of this may be to the detriment of your children. For example, if you were verbally or physically abused as a child, there may be a tendency to repeat the same pattern.
At the other extreme, if you were rarely told no as a child or were never given appropriate boundaries, then you may tend to be a hands-off parent who isn't assertive enough. Do you really want to turn into your mom or dad when it comes to discipline? Why Relationships Fail
Solution #3
I'm not going to tell you the exact methods to use in disciplining your kids, but I do feel strongly that striking your children is an unreasonable approach to take. It just doesn't accomplish anything other than making your kids cry and causing them to fear you. Maybe you want to feel powerful and in charge, but does this do your kids any favors? I know that the argument for spanking is strong - a large part of our population swears that children behave better when this type of punishment is used. The problem I have with this is that many people will spank their kids without ever sitting them down to calmly discuss the rules so they can learn from their mistakes. So if you do utilize spanking, I urge you to follow it up with a lesson on appropriate behavior.
Another critical mistake that many couples make is that they don't agree in advance on a particular penalty, and then the child plays the parents against one another. I always knew that if my morn set up a punishment, my father would be more lenient and take it away. There was a chink in their armor that I was able to exploit - and I don't think that skill particularly helped me throughout my later years.
So you and your significant other need to agree on the exact form of discipline that will be used, as well as what offenses will warrant punishment. Then you must present a united front to your child and stick with your plan. It's easy to fall into the trap of revoking a punishment because you begin to feel sorry for your kids. But I believe that if it's a 30-minute timeout, then it should be 30 minutes. If they're grounded for a week, then it should last a week, not a day or two.
Also, the same bad behavior should deserve the same amount and intensity of discipline each time. What you're both striving for is consistency and agreement. If these two elements are present, then your kids will know what to expect and learn to think through the consequences of their actions.
Problem #4: Trying to Raise the "Perfect Kid"
I've been to countless soccer and Little League games in which the parents seemed to care more about what happened on the field than the kids did. Parents yell and scream at their own children when they make a mistake, which practically ensures that the poor kids will grow up feeling like they're never good enough.
Parents aren't perfect, so it makes no sense to expect kids to be. Children are messy and make mistakes, but most important, they don't think about the world in the same way that adults do. They're going to screw up over and over, and it's a parent's job to accept this and act in a calm and rational fashion. Why Relationships Fail
Consider the following:
- When you were a child, were you expected to act "just right"? If you didn't do so, would your parents level severe punishment against you?
- Are you and your partner just too lazy and selfish to teach your child appropriate behaviors, finding that it's easier to get angry and dish out punishment?
- Do you feel that having a "perfect" child means that you're also "perfect"? In other words, do you see your child as an extension of yourself?
- Is it easier to see faults in someone else who depends on you than it is to focus on your own shortcomings?
- Do you want your extended community (friends, family, neighbors, and so on) to think that you're the greatest parent ever? Do you take pleasure in thinking that your kids are more well behaved than others?
Solution #4
Every time you enroll your kids in another class or activity, or when you become angry because they're not the "best," ask yourself this: Who am I really doing this for, my children or myself? I bet you'll find that the gratification is for you, and your kids' happiness is secondary.
There's nothing wrong with the desire to see your children succeed in school and activities, but it is wrong to constantly berate them if they're not living up to your own set of expectations. When kids are allowed to go at their own pace and make their own choices, there's a natural maturation process that occurs. So one of the most important jobs for you as a parent is to be the support when your kids fall down ... but you have to let them fall down periodically.
Every mistake made by your child should be followed by a lesson aimed at teaching them correct behavior.
Yelling or hitting isn't teaching - it's just a process that adds another layer of scars onto a child who doesn't deserve to have a parent who acts like a maniac. To learn more, you can check out Why Relationship Fail.
