If you look at the relationship pyramid, you'll .see that the top of the pyramid contains this statement: Make your partner feel good about themselves each day. This can be difficult, since everybody gets caught up in the activities of daily living. But this post deals with specific behavior that violates the two rules that define a great relationship:
- Your partner's number one-goal should be to treat you with respect and dignity at all times.
- There must be a spirit of teamwork - you should always work through problems in a cooperative way, and compromise should be effected without fear of future retribution.
Problem #1: You Can Never Please Your Partner
You should be praised for the things you do to enhance your relationship. Maybe you won't get a formal thank-you note, but you ought to receive some acknowledgment once in a while. After all, relationships thrive in an atmosphere of mutual contentment and positive feedback. If you're with a partner who constantly criticizes (or never recognizes) your strong points, serious trouble could lie ahead. How To Establish Trust In A Relationship
Solution #1
I've treated adults who never felt they were good enough at anything they did because during the childhood years their parents ignored their accomplishments. They always felt "less than" and insecure, and were destined to perpetuate these feelings in their future relationships.
However, if someone is simply asking for a reasonable amount of recognition and is met with an abusive or unresponsive partner, then that's the person with the problem. At that point, action must be taken in an attempt to communicate feelings and take the necessary steps toward one's relationship goals.
- Step 1: Try to figure out why it's so difficult for your partner to be a giving person. Even though it's natural for people to be kind and generous to one another, some of us simply won't allow ourselves to act this way. If this applies to your partner, keep in mind that the second you call them on their behavior, their first reaction may be one of defensiveness and denial. They might say, "Hey, I gave you a compliment a few weeks ago - I told you that you looked nice!" This could then lead into a "he said, she said" argument where you go back and forth on how many times you were acknowledged. But don't give up. Make your partner understand that it's really important for you to feel good about yourself when the two of you interact. And resist the temptation to make a list of "slights" if things digress into how many compliments are offered versus how many criticisms, nothing will ever get resolved. It's more productive to explore why it's so difficult for your partner to open up in a loving way.
- Step 2: Call attention to the positive by praising your partner whenever they do something that helps you or the relationship. This may seem pretty generous, especially if you're getting nothing in return. I predict, however, that over time, your partner will come around and join in - it will be a mutual lovefest of sorts. If they don't, it's time for the next step.
- Step 3: Decide when enough is enough. How long will you stay with someone who's surly, mean-spirited, and condescending? This is your call - no one else can decide for you. But keep in mind that if you decide to leave this relationship, you'll then be free to find someone who will value you and will tell you so. You just need to make a supreme effort to overcome the little voice inside that says: "You're not good enough for anyone to love." How To Establish Trust In A Relationship
Problem #2: Your Partner Publicly Humiliates You
Many of us know a couple who can't get along to save their lives and who pick at each other constantly. I once went to a dinner party and watched a husband berate his wife in front of everyone - he criticized her dress, makeup, hair, and conversation skills. Anytime she spoke up, he'd cut her off with: "God, you're so stupid! You don't know what you're talking about!" She eventually started to sob and left the room. His offhand response was, "She'll get over it."
Of course there are times when your partner may occasionally say or do something that embarrasses you, but it will turn into a major conflict if they insist on ridiculing you in public so that others can witness your pain. This is sadistic and actually a reflection of your partner's own insecurities.
Solution #2
First of all, you need to believe that you deserve to be treated well by your partner. This means that you've got to ignore that voice in your head that says you're not good enough, smart enough, funny enough, or attractive enough. (My father always reminded me that there are enough people in the world who won't hesitate to treat me badly if given the chance, so why should I treat myself badly first?)
Then, you must in no uncertain terms tell your verbally abusive partner that you will not tolerate this behavior any longer. I personally believe that if your partner refuses to stop, then it's a relationship-ender. Your problems should be dealt with in private, so do yourself a big favor and demand respect. If you don't get it, find someone who will treat you the way you deserve. To learn more, you can check out How To Establish Trust In A Relationship.
