A relationship with a shaky foundation will probably not get better with the addition of children. I then heard from many angry people who accused me of being anti-family and devaluing the importance of children for a couple. Unfortunately, these folks completely missed my point.
Of course, having a family can be an incredibly enriching experience for a couple. However, some people clearly have children for the wrong reasons. Consequently, these kids grow up in broken homes or with parents who resent their existence. Given the high level of child abuse in our society, it's obvious that many kids are being damaged by adults who don't take their parenting seriously. I wish that there was some mandate requiring prospective parents to take a course in raising children, but there isn't - so generations of young people will continue to grow into dysfunctional adults.
If you have a serious relationship problem, I implore you to solve it before you make a family addition - you'll do a huge disservice to your kids if you bring them into a relationship that's heading for a breakup or divorce. I understand that many single parents do a wonderful job raising children, but it's certainly not an ideal situation for kids to see their parents fighting and splitting up. So if you think you're responsible enough to make a baby, then you better be ready to responsibly care for that child and do everything you can to care for your relationship with your partner.
Enough of my lecture. This post is about helping you deal with the massive life adjustments that will occur after the birth of your child. Don't be naive and underestimate the stressors that will rapidly multiply rapidly when you and your partner become parents. I've never spoken to a couple who said that their relationship didn't shift enormously after the birth of a child. Hopefully the changes for you will be positive ones ... but I'd like to help you negotiate the tough spots that will inevitably arise as you raise a family.
Problem # 1: Lack of Family Planning
There are currently unprecedented numbers of unwed mothers and pregnant teens in this country. Children are, by necessity, being raised in single-parent households and by grandparents. This is a problem that can be prevented before it starts, however. And the solution lies in family planning.
I know this is obvious, but I'm going to state it anyway: Every single time you have sex, there's a likelihood that a child could be conceived. Sure, with birth control the odds are greatly reduced, but accidents do happen. Does this mean that you and your partner should become celibate? Of course not, but you need to be aware that unplanned children can put a huge financial pressure on you; there can be arguments about who's to blame for the pregnancy; you may be resentful and unconsciously take it out on your child; and your relationship may end, putting your child in a tug-of-war between two parents who can't get along. Most of all, it simply isn't fair to bring a child into the world just because you and your partner were too lazy to plan ahead.
Solution # 1
I cannot stress enough that you need to sit down and plan your family with your significant other, whether you're just dating or you've been married for years. If religious convictions preclude taking any type of birth control, this makes things more difficult but not impossible - you just need to be very disciplined when it comes to planning your sexual activity. If you can use birth-control devices, then you both must make the commitment to decide exactly when you want to start a family. Positive Relationship With Children
Family planning isn't simply limited to the time frame when a child comes into your lives - you and your partner also need to openly discuss how you'll raise the child. Most couples don't even have this discussion, so they find out too late that there are significant differences in opinion relating to discipline, parental roles, and other forms of involvement with their children. It isn't humanly possible to account for every situation that could arise as your child grows up, but it can't hurt to somewhat prepare in advance.
Preventive work in the family-planning area could save your relationship later on and set the foundation for a loving and stable home.
Problem #2: The Absentee Parent
This is, sadly, a common problem for couples - partner is always too busy or involved with other things to become an active participant in their child's life. Children will eventually sense when one parent doesn't care ... and it doesn't matter if both parents are living at home. I know some divorced parents who are more interested in their children than some married couples are. Maybe I got lucky, because both of' my parents supported me and took an active interest in my life as I grew up. Your children deserve nothing short of this same degree of attention.
It's your job as a parent to spend time with your kids and do your fair share of the workload. It's irresponsible for you to expect your partner to do everything - you contributed half of the effort to make a child, so you should at least do half the work of raising him or her. If you're not willing to do this, then I'd classify you as a "deadbeat," even if you provide financial support. Just making money doesn't get you off the hook, as many people seem to think. Your kids won't fully understand financial matters, but they'll certainly feel abandoned and neglected if you do nothing else for them besides buy them things. Positive Relationship With Children
Solution #2
First of all, I give you permission to demand that your partner share in parenting tasks. Unfortunately, you can't force your partner to care for and love your kids, or even to have any contact with them whatsoever. (However, on a separate note, you can and should enforce child support to the fullest extent of the law.)
If you're still married, then you both need to share responsibilities. This translates to an equal division of duties - if you need to delineate actual child-caring chores, so be it. You shouldn't be the one to always get up in the middle of the night, stay at home with your children while your partner goes out, or be the "bad cop" every time your child misbehaves. These are only a few examples, but you get the picture. You and your partner are a team in this endeavor.
If, after confronting your partner about their lack of interest and participation in the parenting experience, there's no change, then it may be time for a serious talk about the state of your relationship in general. Try to appeal to your partner's love for your kids, even if the two of you aren't getting along. If the pattern of neglect continues, you should try to utilize any other means of support you have, including your family and friends. Most likely, someone will step up and help you.
You're then left with an incredibly difficult decision - stay with a partner who ignores his/her family consistently, or raise the kids on your own, perhaps with outside help. I won't lie to you - neither scenario is perfect and will be fraught with its own set of disadvantages. Although I personally don't believe that staying with an absentee partner is doing anyone a favor, including the kids, I can't fault you if you pursue this option - nor would I blame you if you took the other route. To find out more, you can check out Positive Relationship With Children.
